A closed head injury
“A Dummy’s Guide to Infidelity” by David Letterman (with Foreword by Tiger Woods)
“Soldier or Anteater” NFL locker room hidden camera guessing game
Frat Party Simulator (pay the extra for the projectile vomit sprayer)
Cleveland Browns season tickets (the deals on these keep getting better)
Petrified smegma
An electric balloon
Earwax statue of Millard Fillmore (get started early on this one)
Barbed wire jockstrap (unsalted)
Backhoe contingency lair spotters fresh off the highway of lust
Hemorrhoid glitter
A subscription to Lincoln’s Trombone
04 December 2009
12 November 2009
Giving Thanks
Ever been at Thanksgiving dinner when suddenly you’re asked what you’re thankful for and you have nothing to say? Next time, instead of looking like a dweeb in front of the entire extended family, use some or all of the following.
I’m thankful for…
• Seeing most of you only once a year
• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats
• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge
• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football
• Time travel (assuming you know about this)
• The statute of limitations on public nudity
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant
• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand
And, finally:
• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!
I’m thankful for…
• Seeing most of you only once a year
• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats
• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge
• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football
• Time travel (assuming you know about this)
• The statute of limitations on public nudity
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant
• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand
And, finally:
• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!
02 November 2009
Overheard in the Caribbean
Look at those fat people getting’ off the cruise ship, mon! I surely feel sorry for their toilets!
Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.
Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!
Say something in Jamaican!
Do you tell time the same way we do?
Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?
Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?
This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!
Why did you shave your nut sac?
Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!
That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!
Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.
Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!
Say something in Jamaican!
Do you tell time the same way we do?
Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?
Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?
This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!
Why did you shave your nut sac?
Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!
That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!
19 October 2009
Halloween Costumes You Can Make at Home
Guy with butter knife imbedded in his hand
Stripper looking for her pole
Mr. Band-Aid Moustache
Mrs. Lost Pants
Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler
David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)
A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs
The Abominable Nosebleed
Coagulated Vaseline
Joe the Plumber
Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)
Mark the Congressman (requires candy)
A prison whore with a purty mouth
Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)
Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)
Stripper looking for her pole
Mr. Band-Aid Moustache
Mrs. Lost Pants
Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler
David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)
A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs
The Abominable Nosebleed
Coagulated Vaseline
Joe the Plumber
Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)
Mark the Congressman (requires candy)
A prison whore with a purty mouth
Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)
Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)
01 October 2009
A Floridian Visits Tampa
I was told to visit 4 places. That’s right, these were the recommendations; the best Tampa has to offer.
1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.
2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!
3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.
4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.
1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.
2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!
3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.
4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.
21 September 2009
4 x 4
People who should have been trombonists:
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me
Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle
Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births
Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me
Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle
Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births
Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints
01 September 2009
Things to do on a Trans-Atlantic Flight
Order a Pepsi. When the attendant tells you they only serve Coke, yell, “Imperialist Swine!” in a thick middle eastern accent.
Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.
When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”
Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”
Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.
“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.
Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.
When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.
Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.
Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.
When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”
Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”
Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.
“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.
Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.
When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.
Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.
20 August 2009
Lesser known Military acronyms
We all know FUBAR and SNAFU, but did you know these?
BITE: Bile is trickling everywhere
SNARF: Shit No, Ain't Rectal F**king
SPLEEN: Spit polish, lick, eat each nut
OBNOXION: Made up fu**ing army word
ESTRADA: Eat shit, then rape all dumb asses
PLEBE: Please let each boy ejaculate
FYCSCLFPOS: F*ck you, c*ck sucking c*nt licking f*ckstick piece of shit.
10 August 2009
Peculiar Statements Made in the Bahamas, Summer 2009
Get your ass out of my rum.
Why is Schistosomiasis so fun to say, but such a pain to have?
I got your Grand Bahama, right here!
Eight bucks for a box of cereal? You got a lot of nerve calling this Free Port!
The backhoe contingency necessitates spiritual interpretations any way the wind blows, Herr Scheiss Monster.
Nassau?! Is dat named aftuh da one in New Yawk?
The ocean water is so warm there's no difference when I pee!
If conch fritters rhymed with diarrhea, I could write a poem about this place.
The next one who sings 'Glass bottomed boat, you make the rockin' world go 'round' gets knifed in the gizzard. Don't believe it? Try me!
Why is Schistosomiasis so fun to say, but such a pain to have?
I got your Grand Bahama, right here!
Eight bucks for a box of cereal? You got a lot of nerve calling this Free Port!
The backhoe contingency necessitates spiritual interpretations any way the wind blows, Herr Scheiss Monster.
Nassau?! Is dat named aftuh da one in New Yawk?
The ocean water is so warm there's no difference when I pee!
If conch fritters rhymed with diarrhea, I could write a poem about this place.
The next one who sings 'Glass bottomed boat, you make the rockin' world go 'round' gets knifed in the gizzard. Don't believe it? Try me!
30 July 2009
Best Team Nicknames
Southern Illinois University Salukis (college sports)
Albuquerque Isotopes (minor league baseball)
Springfield Isotopes (Simpsons)
Oslo Ice-O-Dopes (Scandinavian flaggledrop)
Macon Bacon (soft core sports)
Fredericksburg Flatulence (wedding planners associated)
St. John’s Shaft (actors’ guild of Wichita)
Otsego Nads (poetry club)
The (Sherman bowling)
Warrington Pink Funpockets (Eastern field hockey)
The Norton, Marion, & Worth, Esq. That Deep Crack Itch You Sometimes Get From Sitting Around Too Much (legal debating association)
UK Sniveling Piles of Pretentious Poo (Lincoln’s Trombone)
Atlanta Stoops 2 (Owen Field)
Cleveland Tromboners (symphonic Paleolithic circuit)
The Oklahoma If You Don’t Know the Backhoe Contingency You May as Well Reinforce Your Pants With Cellophane (inside jokesters)
Albuquerque Isotopes (minor league baseball)
Springfield Isotopes (Simpsons)
Oslo Ice-O-Dopes (Scandinavian flaggledrop)
Macon Bacon (soft core sports)
Fredericksburg Flatulence (wedding planners associated)
St. John’s Shaft (actors’ guild of Wichita)
Otsego Nads (poetry club)
The (Sherman bowling)
Warrington Pink Funpockets (Eastern field hockey)
The Norton, Marion, & Worth, Esq. That Deep Crack Itch You Sometimes Get From Sitting Around Too Much (legal debating association)
UK Sniveling Piles of Pretentious Poo (Lincoln’s Trombone)
Atlanta Stoops 2 (Owen Field)
Cleveland Tromboners (symphonic Paleolithic circuit)
The Oklahoma If You Don’t Know the Backhoe Contingency You May as Well Reinforce Your Pants With Cellophane (inside jokesters)
24 July 2009
Shit from Shinola
Shinola: Lebron
Shit: Lebron's ego
Shinola: Niel Loebig
Shit: Sal Muncy
Shinola: Al Kaline's spleen juice
Shit: Ochocinco's spleen juice
Shinola: Michael Jackson
Shit: Michael Jackson's sleepover with the Culkin brothers
Shinola: The glory of "Lost"
Shit: Getting Lost in my pants
Shinola: Tim Tebow
Shit: Tim Teboner
Shit: Erik Estrada's body of work
Shit, part 2: Erik Estrada
Shinola: The magnificence of Stoops to Atlanta
Shit: Liver and Beets greatest hits
Shinola: Lincoln's Trombone
Shit: Fillmore's Kazoo
17 July 2009
Top 5 things heard on the 1 train
5. A huffing glue addict sings an on-key version of 'If I were a rich man' from Fiddler on the roof after a 2 minute speech that had less than 25 words in it.
4. A one-man band of three trombones and a drum asks me to 'make some room for the band'.
3. Two old Jewish women discussing the horrible lunch they just ate, equally mentioning the small size of the portions, blissfully unaware of the opening lines of Annie Hall.
2. A Michael Jackson impersonator, that neither looked, sounded or danced like the King of Pop.
1. A human 'Statue of Liberty' belching (almost sounded like the 'William Tell Overture')
04 July 2009
Indepence Day: Ode to feral pigs
I sing of those that rode the ark
and wonder why they traveled?
Did not the pig of ham suffice for man?
I suppose not, these non-cud chewers
I suppose not, these non-cud chewers
Have lived life abundant, though hunted.
HAIL THE BOAR! HAIL THE RAZORBACK!
Ye Arkansas clan unite as one!
Your mighty mascot dwelleth
In swamps and shit and scum untold
Not unlike your fellow kinsmen.
Feral pride is beyond measure to all
Whose bathroom hole is dug without septic
And relief for urges cry "cuzzin"
HAIL THE BOAR! HAIL THE RAZORBACK!
09 June 2009
01 June 2009
Ranking Nothing in Particular
What a difference cell topography makes!
Top 5, June 1, 2009:
1. The spleen beat of the Kaline tympani
2. Poetic references to Turkish sausage production
3. Pillsbury roadkill at a Ghanaian wake
4. Data that do what they should (yes, I said do!)
5. My name is Mephistopheles but you can call me “Sugar Tits”
Top 5 prior to Jennifer Biel’s last BM:
1. Stegosaurus dreams and the resulting mixed fruit pies
2. Black market vinyl atop motorcade tribute bands
3. Crotch grabbing rubberneckers in the heat of fluoridation
4. Pamplona “Eat me’s” during playoff years
5. Whatever it is that keeps sliding into Rafa Nadal’s butt crack before he serves
Top 5, June 1, 2009:
1. The spleen beat of the Kaline tympani
2. Poetic references to Turkish sausage production
3. Pillsbury roadkill at a Ghanaian wake
4. Data that do what they should (yes, I said do!)
5. My name is Mephistopheles but you can call me “Sugar Tits”
Top 5 prior to Jennifer Biel’s last BM:
1. Stegosaurus dreams and the resulting mixed fruit pies
2. Black market vinyl atop motorcade tribute bands
3. Crotch grabbing rubberneckers in the heat of fluoridation
4. Pamplona “Eat me’s” during playoff years
5. Whatever it is that keeps sliding into Rafa Nadal’s butt crack before he serves
21 May 2009
04 May 2009
A Floridian visits Disney
All right readers; let’s get this over with so we can move on to something more important. Navel lint, for example.
Here’s all you need to know about the 4 parks.
Magic Kingdom: Creepy oversized characters and a roller coaster that would be tolerable were not all the suspense removed by placing it under a darkened dome. Oh—that other ride where they strap you in so an alien can spit on you? Pass.
Hollywood Studios: Another unlit roller coaster (what’s the deal?), only this time riders get to hear Aerosmith filler songs at a volume level of distortion as they twist along undaunting loops. All told, this park is about as Hollywood as a NASCAR double-wide.
Animal Kingdom: Sort of like a zoo, but without any real proximity to animals.
Epcot: The front is dominated by a giant Titleist that houses the slowest park ride in captivity. The back has an international flavor, provided you believe that Denmark borders China.
Tune in next time readers, as I give this column a truly international flavor!
Here’s all you need to know about the 4 parks.
Magic Kingdom: Creepy oversized characters and a roller coaster that would be tolerable were not all the suspense removed by placing it under a darkened dome. Oh—that other ride where they strap you in so an alien can spit on you? Pass.
Hollywood Studios: Another unlit roller coaster (what’s the deal?), only this time riders get to hear Aerosmith filler songs at a volume level of distortion as they twist along undaunting loops. All told, this park is about as Hollywood as a NASCAR double-wide.
Animal Kingdom: Sort of like a zoo, but without any real proximity to animals.
Epcot: The front is dominated by a giant Titleist that houses the slowest park ride in captivity. The back has an international flavor, provided you believe that Denmark borders China.
Tune in next time readers, as I give this column a truly international flavor!
27 April 2009
Chicago City Streets/Bad Lyrics
Dearborn/Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Michigan/If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar
State/I had a dream, I had an awesome dream
Balbo/If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?
Rush/What you say about his company is what you say about society
The Mag Mile/Told my girl I’d have to forget her; rather buy me a new carburetor
Ohio/And then he went and he ate up all of my corn
Michigan/If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar
State/I had a dream, I had an awesome dream
Balbo/If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?
Rush/What you say about his company is what you say about society
The Mag Mile/Told my girl I’d have to forget her; rather buy me a new carburetor
Ohio/And then he went and he ate up all of my corn
10 April 2009
3 x 3
Places I’ve never been
1. Flat Top, WV
2. The set of “The Kallikaks”
3. Salvador Dali’s arcuate fasciculus
Concepts divorced from baseball
1. Neighborhood association presidents who dress their wieners in Barbie clothes
2. Deviled street urchins
3. An Elizabethan beach squat
Nothing in particular
1. The use of condiment metaphors to accentuate sex tapes
2. “More corn turds, your Excellency?”
3. Valedictorians who display spit stalactites every time they mimic Nat King Cole
1. Flat Top, WV
2. The set of “The Kallikaks”
3. Salvador Dali’s arcuate fasciculus
Concepts divorced from baseball
1. Neighborhood association presidents who dress their wieners in Barbie clothes
2. Deviled street urchins
3. An Elizabethan beach squat
Nothing in particular
1. The use of condiment metaphors to accentuate sex tapes
2. “More corn turds, your Excellency?”
3. Valedictorians who display spit stalactites every time they mimic Nat King Cole
03 April 2009
A New Yorker Visits New York
I was recently forced to visit the fair (as in average) city of New York. Quite a place, this metropolis—sort of a Toledo in drag. What follows is a run-down of my excursion.
On a recommendation of someone from whom I will never again take advice, I dropped by the Museum of Natural History. The animal exhibit was really something—for anyone who has never seen actual animals! Hey, New Yorkers, it's called a zoo! It has real creatures and they’re alive!
Getting out of the museum as quickly as possible, I walked through a field of barren trees and hookers that the locals call Central Park. From there I took a filthy subway to FAO Schwartz, thinking a toy store might be fun. And it might have been, had any of the overpriced exhibits worked. As it was, I witnessed such an abundance of overacting and saccharine cutesiness that I contracted diabetes.
No worries; I was hungry anyway, so I dined in a real New York deli. And let me tell you, it was some of the finest stale bread and indiscernible meat I ever gagged down. Actually, "dined" may be the wrong word to use for food that becomes projectile diarrhea that quickly.
The locals are quite proud of a large statue in their harbor. What the hell, I thought. Why not?
I'll tell you why not: 1200 people in a boat that could comfortably seat perhaps 35. From there it gets worse, a combination of water, cold, wind, and stairs that lead to basically the same view I had from the ground. Oh yes, then another boat ride.
All in all, a miserable experience, though not an unexpected one. Remember, readers, to find me next week when I visit some backwater known as Disney World.
On a recommendation of someone from whom I will never again take advice, I dropped by the Museum of Natural History. The animal exhibit was really something—for anyone who has never seen actual animals! Hey, New Yorkers, it's called a zoo! It has real creatures and they’re alive!
Getting out of the museum as quickly as possible, I walked through a field of barren trees and hookers that the locals call Central Park. From there I took a filthy subway to FAO Schwartz, thinking a toy store might be fun. And it might have been, had any of the overpriced exhibits worked. As it was, I witnessed such an abundance of overacting and saccharine cutesiness that I contracted diabetes.
No worries; I was hungry anyway, so I dined in a real New York deli. And let me tell you, it was some of the finest stale bread and indiscernible meat I ever gagged down. Actually, "dined" may be the wrong word to use for food that becomes projectile diarrhea that quickly.
The locals are quite proud of a large statue in their harbor. What the hell, I thought. Why not?
I'll tell you why not: 1200 people in a boat that could comfortably seat perhaps 35. From there it gets worse, a combination of water, cold, wind, and stairs that lead to basically the same view I had from the ground. Oh yes, then another boat ride.
All in all, a miserable experience, though not an unexpected one. Remember, readers, to find me next week when I visit some backwater known as Disney World.
24 March 2009
More Good April Fool’s Pranks
Induce nightmares in your children with midnight swirlies.
Speed down the highway at 125 mph. When a cop pulls you over, eat a spoonful of mustard and vomit all over his uniform.
Put mashed banana in your girlfriend’s sunscreen. When you get to the beach, release the chimps.
When your roommate falls asleep, nail one of those stupid Razorback hats to his head.
Marinate Grandpa’s stool softeners in taco sauce.
Add some ketchup to a dirty Sanchez. Tell her she better get to the proctologist pronto!
Put a non-orange ‘Whorns’ shirt on your child and drive him to Austin. If you live too far away, just put him on the short school bus.
Leave a bottle of Scope and a turd in the coffee lounge. See what sort of interesting interpretations your co-workers come up with.
Join Facebook in your friend’s name. Describe in great detail your career in porn.
Speed down the highway at 125 mph. When a cop pulls you over, eat a spoonful of mustard and vomit all over his uniform.
Put mashed banana in your girlfriend’s sunscreen. When you get to the beach, release the chimps.
When your roommate falls asleep, nail one of those stupid Razorback hats to his head.
Marinate Grandpa’s stool softeners in taco sauce.
Add some ketchup to a dirty Sanchez. Tell her she better get to the proctologist pronto!
Put a non-orange ‘Whorns’ shirt on your child and drive him to Austin. If you live too far away, just put him on the short school bus.
Leave a bottle of Scope and a turd in the coffee lounge. See what sort of interesting interpretations your co-workers come up with.
Join Facebook in your friend’s name. Describe in great detail your career in porn.
12 March 2009
St. Patrick’s Day Events in Your Area
Kissimmee, FL: Green Snot Bubble Contest, Amphitheater, 3 pm
Norman, OK: O’Connell’s Breakfast Beer Brawl, 8-9 am
Cleveland, OH: Corned Beef Vomit Exhibit, Lakefront Park, 12-5 pm
New York, NY: Urine Sword Fights, Every Stairwell in Manhattan, all day*
Lincoln, NE: Mr. Potato Head—and Shaft—Contest, Memorial Stadium, 6–10 pm
Flagstaff, AZ: Beach Ball Throw—Speed Gun Reading Closest to Sinead O’Connor’s IQ Wins, Fairgrounds, 11 am
South Bend, IN: The Greatness of Us Lecture Series, part LXVIII, Central Quad, 12-8 pm
Carbondale, IL: Cabbage Turd Open Competition, 10 am (length) and 1 pm (girth)
Mount Pleasant, MI: Klaas Van Vanderhooven’s “Pretend Anyone Gives a Crap about the Irish” Parade, Van Kooi Street, 10 am – 2 pm
Boulder, CO: The Irish Gourmet, Foothills Mall, 5 pm until the potato boils
Crapcakes, ND: Snow Peeing Likenesses of Hollywood Character Actor Brian Dennehy, Main Street, 1-6 pm
Amelia Island: Bono Preach-Alike Gala, noon until a winner is declared.
Pocatello, ID: ISU Student Taste Test: Guinness vs. Pennzoil, 8 am
Burbank, CA: Colin Farrell Quality Film Festival, Palm Theater, 12:30–12:45 pm
Winston-Salem, NC: Class Action Lawsuits Against Conan O’Brien Reunion, Wake Forest Law School, 7 am
Mobile, AL: A Celebration of Celtic Music and Other Annoying Noises, Bear Bryant Park, 10 am–10 pm
*Event not limited to St. Patrick’s Day
Norman, OK: O’Connell’s Breakfast Beer Brawl, 8-9 am
Cleveland, OH: Corned Beef Vomit Exhibit, Lakefront Park, 12-5 pm
New York, NY: Urine Sword Fights, Every Stairwell in Manhattan, all day*
Lincoln, NE: Mr. Potato Head—and Shaft—Contest, Memorial Stadium, 6–10 pm
Flagstaff, AZ: Beach Ball Throw—Speed Gun Reading Closest to Sinead O’Connor’s IQ Wins, Fairgrounds, 11 am
South Bend, IN: The Greatness of Us Lecture Series, part LXVIII, Central Quad, 12-8 pm
Carbondale, IL: Cabbage Turd Open Competition, 10 am (length) and 1 pm (girth)
Mount Pleasant, MI: Klaas Van Vanderhooven’s “Pretend Anyone Gives a Crap about the Irish” Parade, Van Kooi Street, 10 am – 2 pm
Boulder, CO: The Irish Gourmet, Foothills Mall, 5 pm until the potato boils
Crapcakes, ND: Snow Peeing Likenesses of Hollywood Character Actor Brian Dennehy, Main Street, 1-6 pm
Amelia Island: Bono Preach-Alike Gala, noon until a winner is declared.
Pocatello, ID: ISU Student Taste Test: Guinness vs. Pennzoil, 8 am
Burbank, CA: Colin Farrell Quality Film Festival, Palm Theater, 12:30–12:45 pm
Winston-Salem, NC: Class Action Lawsuits Against Conan O’Brien Reunion, Wake Forest Law School, 7 am
Mobile, AL: A Celebration of Celtic Music and Other Annoying Noises, Bear Bryant Park, 10 am–10 pm
*Event not limited to St. Patrick’s Day
05 March 2009
The Replacement Coach and the Provisional Administrator
“There any asswipe on your side?”
“Hey pal, why the hell didn’t you check before taking a—wait a sec! PA, is that you?”
[giggle] “Oh you! I was trying to disguise my voice!”
“Never mind that—what the hell are you doing in the men’s room?”
“It’s quicker.”
“But you can’t be in here.”
“It’s quicker.”
“It’s not for you!”
“It’s quicker.”
“Never mind. Just—”
[ppppp ppppp pppplack]
“—What the hell was that?”
“Sorry—poultry.”
“Whoa! Smells like roadkill. What did you eat-a raw chicken?”
[giggle] “Come on. It’s not supposed to be, like, lemony fresh, now is it?”
“Jeez, I got to get out of here. We have a game in 15 minutes.”
“You’re a tennis coach.”
“So?”
“I’m no expert, but I remember them being called matches.”
“Here’s a match: your face and my—“
“Just give me some TP. Please.”
“OK, here.”
[ppppppppppplllaaaacckkkkk]
“On second thought, never mind.”
“Oh come on RC!”
[ppp ppp ppplack ppplack]
“Forget it. I’m not putting my hand any closer to that crapfest than necessary.”
“Well what am I supposed to use?”
“Got any turds?”
“Uh, of course.”
“There yuh go.”
“I’m supposed to wipe my ass with a turd?”
“Why not?”
“Well, just off the top of my head, it would seem that I would be augmenting, as it were, the very substance I’m trying to remove, thereby—”
“Just do it!”
“OK, OK. Keep your pants on.”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, figure of speech.”
“Look, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that if you really believe something is true, then it is. It’s called visuali- victuals-, vaginal-... It doesn’t matter what it’s called. Just grab the turd and start wiping!”
“Fine! I’ll do it! Never let it be said that I won’t do exactly as I’m told!”
[splash]
“Uh…PA…you OK?”
“This is icky. It fell apart in my hands.”
“Hmm, sounds like you need more protein in your diet. Try a Power Bar.”
[plop]
“Oh yuck!”
“Now what?”
“I made a bigger mess than I started with.”
“You didn’t believe, did you?”
“I did believe!”
“But did you really believe? ‘Cause if you had really believed that turd was toilet paper, you’d have wiped your ass clean.”
“I did, I did believe! I swear!”
“Just get dressed and get out of here.”
“But what about the skid marks up and down my vertical smile?”
“What about them?”
“For one thing, they smell.”
“Nobody will notice.”
“They won’t?”
“Not if you want it bad enough!”
“Oh, OK. Thanks!”
[flush]
“Hey pal, why the hell didn’t you check before taking a—wait a sec! PA, is that you?”
[giggle] “Oh you! I was trying to disguise my voice!”
“Never mind that—what the hell are you doing in the men’s room?”
“It’s quicker.”
“But you can’t be in here.”
“It’s quicker.”
“It’s not for you!”
“It’s quicker.”
“Never mind. Just—”
[ppppp ppppp pppplack]
“—What the hell was that?”
“Sorry—poultry.”
“Whoa! Smells like roadkill. What did you eat-a raw chicken?”
[giggle] “Come on. It’s not supposed to be, like, lemony fresh, now is it?”
“Jeez, I got to get out of here. We have a game in 15 minutes.”
“You’re a tennis coach.”
“So?”
“I’m no expert, but I remember them being called matches.”
“Here’s a match: your face and my—“
“Just give me some TP. Please.”
“OK, here.”
[ppppppppppplllaaaacckkkkk]
“On second thought, never mind.”
“Oh come on RC!”
[ppp ppp ppplack ppplack]
“Forget it. I’m not putting my hand any closer to that crapfest than necessary.”
“Well what am I supposed to use?”
“Got any turds?”
“Uh, of course.”
“There yuh go.”
“I’m supposed to wipe my ass with a turd?”
“Why not?”
“Well, just off the top of my head, it would seem that I would be augmenting, as it were, the very substance I’m trying to remove, thereby—”
“Just do it!”
“OK, OK. Keep your pants on.”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, figure of speech.”
“Look, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that if you really believe something is true, then it is. It’s called visuali- victuals-, vaginal-... It doesn’t matter what it’s called. Just grab the turd and start wiping!”
“Fine! I’ll do it! Never let it be said that I won’t do exactly as I’m told!”
[splash]
“Uh…PA…you OK?”
“This is icky. It fell apart in my hands.”
“Hmm, sounds like you need more protein in your diet. Try a Power Bar.”
[plop]
“Oh yuck!”
“Now what?”
“I made a bigger mess than I started with.”
“You didn’t believe, did you?”
“I did believe!”
“But did you really believe? ‘Cause if you had really believed that turd was toilet paper, you’d have wiped your ass clean.”
“I did, I did believe! I swear!”
“Just get dressed and get out of here.”
“But what about the skid marks up and down my vertical smile?”
“What about them?”
“For one thing, they smell.”
“Nobody will notice.”
“They won’t?”
“Not if you want it bad enough!”
“Oh, OK. Thanks!”
[flush]
23 February 2009
February Discussion
I'd hate to go the entire month without an entry. So what do you guys want to talk about?
12 January 2009
A Science Writer Who Really Wants His Butt Kissed
The argument over intelligent design reminds me of my years as a young scholar, wanting desperately to be taken seriously by the intelligentsia, despite having published only a handful of experiments in minor research journals. So kiss my butt.
“Show us you belong,” said the greats. Now, years later, I realize what they meant and furthermore, why they were absolutely correct in their admonitions. Their point was simply this: Young promise does not an intellectual make. And kiss my butt.
Such is the case with Intelligent Design, please kiss my butt. Taking into account the scientific method—form, test, and modify a hypothesis—one can envision a scenario whereby a scientist concludes that a complex process such as, say, cell division must have been designed (as opposed to random, kiss my butt). Hence, a hypothesis has been formed. Can it be tested and modified? Perhaps, although I cannot think how, I beg of you to kiss my butt. That, however, is beside the point and you really should kiss my butt. You see, it has not yet been tested, as any scientific theory must be. In other words, at this point in time, it is, scientifically speaking, mere speculation (regardless of its ultimate truth), not evidence-based theory. It is no more equal to reputable theories than my once-novice self was to established scholars. Come on, just once kiss my butt.
“Show us you belong,” said the greats. Now, years later, I realize what they meant and furthermore, why they were absolutely correct in their admonitions. Their point was simply this: Young promise does not an intellectual make. And kiss my butt.
Such is the case with Intelligent Design, please kiss my butt. Taking into account the scientific method—form, test, and modify a hypothesis—one can envision a scenario whereby a scientist concludes that a complex process such as, say, cell division must have been designed (as opposed to random, kiss my butt). Hence, a hypothesis has been formed. Can it be tested and modified? Perhaps, although I cannot think how, I beg of you to kiss my butt. That, however, is beside the point and you really should kiss my butt. You see, it has not yet been tested, as any scientific theory must be. In other words, at this point in time, it is, scientifically speaking, mere speculation (regardless of its ultimate truth), not evidence-based theory. It is no more equal to reputable theories than my once-novice self was to established scholars. Come on, just once kiss my butt.
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