A Carolina Easter Poem

In honor of Duke making the national championship game, here's an Easter poem from the Tarheel state (or whatever the hell it's called):


This ain't the day fur deer or pigs
Cuz I is huntin Easter iggs!

On FaceBook, Every Day is April Fool’s Day

Here are some of the favored pranks you can try:


Find a picture of a wineglass butt (females) or 6-pack abs (males) to use as your profile

Use the words “my son” and “state championship” in numerous posts

State that you rarely have time for FB, even though everyone can see via the chat feature that you’re full of shit

Track down old flames, then act surprised to find them there

Give BS examples of how your kids are oh-so perfectly smart

Express your 6th grade political views with such vehemence that people actually think you know what the hell you’re talking about

Call yourself a “playa” from the safety of Mom’s basement computer

Christmas Gift Ideas for Those Hard-to-Shop-For Loved Ones

A closed head injury

“A Dummy’s Guide to Infidelity” by David Letterman (with Foreword by Tiger Woods)

“Soldier or Anteater” NFL locker room hidden camera guessing game

Frat Party Simulator (pay the extra for the projectile vomit sprayer)

Cleveland Browns season tickets (the deals on these keep getting better)

Petrified smegma

An electric balloon

Earwax statue of Millard Fillmore (get started early on this one)

Barbed wire jockstrap (unsalted)

Backhoe contingency lair spotters fresh off the highway of lust

Hemorrhoid glitter

A subscription to Lincoln’s Trombone

Giving Thanks

Ever been at Thanksgiving dinner when suddenly you’re asked what you’re thankful for and you have nothing to say? Next time, instead of looking like a dweeb in front of the entire extended family, use some or all of the following.

I’m thankful for…

• Seeing most of you only once a year

• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats

• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge

• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football

• Time travel (assuming you know about this)

• The statute of limitations on public nudity

• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend

• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant

• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand

And, finally:

• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!

Halloween Costumes You Can Make at Home

Guy with butter knife imbedded in his hand

Stripper looking for her pole

Mr. Band-Aid Moustache

Mrs. Lost Pants

Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler

David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)

A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs

The Abominable Nosebleed

Coagulated Vaseline

Joe the Plumber

Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)

Mark the Congressman (requires candy)

A prison whore with a purty mouth

Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)

Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)

More Good April Fool’s Pranks

Induce nightmares in your children with midnight swirlies.

Speed down the highway at 125 mph. When a cop pulls you over, eat a spoonful of mustard and vomit all over his uniform.

Put mashed banana in your girlfriend’s sunscreen. When you get to the beach, release the chimps.

When your roommate falls asleep, nail one of those stupid Razorback hats to his head.

Marinate Grandpa’s stool softeners in taco sauce.

Add some ketchup to a dirty Sanchez. Tell her she better get to the proctologist pronto!

Put a non-orange ‘Whorns’ shirt on your child and drive him to Austin. If you live too far away, just put him on the short school bus.

Leave a bottle of Scope and a turd in the coffee lounge. See what sort of interesting interpretations your co-workers come up with.

Join Facebook in your friend’s name. Describe in great detail your career in porn.

St. Patrick’s Day Events in Your Area

Kissimmee, FL: Green Snot Bubble Contest, Amphitheater, 3 pm

Norman, OK: O’Connell’s Breakfast Beer Brawl, 8-9 am

Cleveland, OH: Corned Beef Vomit Exhibit, Lakefront Park, 12-5 pm

New York, NY: Urine Sword Fights, Every Stairwell in Manhattan, all day*

Lincoln, NE: Mr. Potato Head—and Shaft—Contest, Memorial Stadium, 6–10 pm

Flagstaff, AZ: Beach Ball Throw—Speed Gun Reading Closest to Sinead O’Connor’s IQ Wins, Fairgrounds, 11 am

South Bend, IN: The Greatness of Us Lecture Series, part LXVIII, Central Quad, 12-8 pm

Carbondale, IL: Cabbage Turd Open Competition, 10 am (length) and 1 pm (girth)

Mount Pleasant, MI: Klaas Van Vanderhooven’s “Pretend Anyone Gives a Crap about the Irish” Parade, Van Kooi Street, 10 am – 2 pm

Boulder, CO: The Irish Gourmet, Foothills Mall, 5 pm until the potato boils

Crapcakes, ND: Snow Peeing Likenesses of Hollywood Character Actor Brian Dennehy, Main Street, 1-6 pm

Amelia Island: Bono Preach-Alike Gala, noon until a winner is declared.

Pocatello, ID: ISU Student Taste Test: Guinness vs. Pennzoil, 8 am

Burbank, CA: Colin Farrell Quality Film Festival, Palm Theater, 12:30–12:45 pm

Winston-Salem, NC: Class Action Lawsuits Against Conan O’Brien Reunion, Wake Forest Law School, 7 am

Mobile, AL: A Celebration of Celtic Music and Other Annoying Noises, Bear Bryant Park, 10 am–10 pm




*Event not limited to St. Patrick’s Day

A Holiday Poem

Strolling the snowy streets, her and me,
My gaze falls about and what do I see?

Lights and shit.

Cheap Fireworks

-Conjure memories of last year’s fireworks
-Shooting stars
-Explosive diarrhea
-Tell your wife her butt looks too big
-Projectile vomit
-Violent “see-food” discharge
-Drop melons off the roof
-Drop in-laws off the roof
-Pop a mountainous zit
-Sever an aorta
-Induce tri-stream urination; sword fight with your friends
-Flatulate like a harmonica

Unique Father's Day Gift

For the dad who has everything, a poem about places in Michigan:


Fruitport, Westnedge, Mackinac,
Highway 6 and west Paw Paw.
Cheboygan and the Dairy Queen;
Pier Marquette and Kaline’s spleen.

Mona Lake, I-94,
Tekonsha and the eastern shore.
The woods where Nugent finds his bliss,
The rest stop where I took a piss.

Eastmanville, a Cloud called Saint,
Cheboygan and Jeff Daniels’taint.
Farmington and Manitou;
Norton Shores and ol’ Moo U.

Assorted creeks, the Upper Pen;
Motown and the Lion’s Den.
Saginaw, home of the Gears;
Paradise; Bob Seger’s ears.

Some Good April Fools' Pranks

Sneak up on your best friend’s wife and, when she’s least expecting it, break her arm.

Take a dump on your boss’s desk. When he asks who did it, say it couldn’t have been you because yours smell like peppermint.

Tell your children that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce because they can’t stand to be around kids who fight all the damn time.

If your girlfriend is feeling amorous, kiss her passionately. Then blindfold her and tell her you have a kinky surprise. Once this step is completed, quietly sneak in your roommate to finish the job.

Go into a co-worker’s office when he isn’t there. Pour beer all over the carpet. Call in the boss and ask if he thinks your colleague might be drinking on the job.

When the meeting chairperson isn’t looking, perform surprise titty twisters on other committee members.

Power staple a slide trombone to a stranger’s back.

Replace your roommate’s mouthwash with cerebro-spinal fluid. If he’s a major league baseball player, do the same to his syringes.

Ask your girlfriend if she wants to rent The Godfather. When she goes out to get it, place a bloody horse’s head under her sheets. Wait 3 hours for the merriment to ensue.

In permanent marker, write “I eat sh*t” on your sleeping spouse’s forehead. Make sure he or she oversleeps and has to rush out quickly in the morning. And hide all the hats.

Call a subordinate into your office. Tell him that you’ve received numerous reports that he’s a Nazi. Turn on a tape player and say, “According to federal law, I’m required to record your response.”

If you’re an identical twin, threaten to break up with your brother’s girlfriend unless she bears you a son.

And, lastly:

Make your mother think she’s pregnant by climbing back into her womb.

10 Valentine’s Day Presents That Might Surprise Your Mate

1. Pork

2. Snow tires

3. A dramatic interpretation of crotch rot

4. A wiener puppet portraying the head and torso of surgical pioneer Johann Diffenbach

5. The Ironic Smegma Boxed Set

6. A titty-twister

7. A “19-0 = History” sweatshirt

8. Millard Fillmore’s decaying corpse

9. A life sized cast of your proudest turd

10. Diamond spleenlets

Duke’s 2008 Resolutions Involving German Cheeses

I resolve:

To never vomit handkäse on the side of a stagecoach museum

To one day prance amongst the milbenkäse of yesteryear

To at least once stink like one of Heidi Klum’s romadur belches

To understand the relationship between Bavaria blu and the phrase “Eat me”

To tell the world that cambozolais is actually about as German as Nipsy Russell’s manboobs

To wish the lightness of heart inherent in weisslacker was stocked toward planets that worship Millard Fillmore

To say “gorgonzola” in such a way that an audience of hog farmers scream like girlish garden gnomes

To respond to an order of harzer by saying, “Honey, this is as harz as it gets!”

To repay the miller for Klutzer Gold spilt during deciduous decades

To admit the inherent mystery observed in each slice of nillekas

And finally,

To say steinbuscher without blushing like a monitor lizard

A Ghey Family Christmas

“Oh Father, the tree is ever so lovely this year!”

“Merci, my dear. When I first laid eyes upon it, I thought it was splendid and, with a knowing wink, said to the gentleman in the lot, ‘My good man, the Gheys simply must have this gorgeous specimen!’”

“Let’s unwrap the gifts!”

“Yes, let’s shall!”

[unwrapping noises]

“Oh my! This sweater is exquisite! My everlasting thanks, m’lady!”

“Oh Father!”

[laughter, followed by more unwrapping noises]

“The complete works of Truman Capote! A touch naughty, but I likey!”

“I’m pleased that you’re pleased!”

“Oh Father, we love all your presents. Thank you so so so so so much!”

“Shopping is even more of a treat when guided by love!”

“I was about to opine that Christmas is the best, but no.”

[gasps]

“Father, you are the best! You fill the Ghey home and hearth with such love!”

“I bow to your compliments, for I am humbled.”

“But still incorrigible!”

“Ho ho!”

“What shall we do next? Try on our new outfits?”

“Is there a foot ball match on the telly?”

“Ho ho! Foot ball?! You always were the black sheep of the family!”

“Speaking of such, Father, I have a confession. At University, I shan’t be majoring in theatre.”

[silence]

“Then what? Literature? Willst thou be a playwright?”

“Oh my! I sense a tiff arising and must ask who would like to partake in snow sledding.”

“Oh, let’s shall!”

“Yes!”

“Oh yes!”

“Not I.”

[silence]

“Say again? You’d miss such jollification? Is your heart too light for the dales on this morn?”

“Nothing like that. It’s just that someone has to prepare the hot chocolate for when the hardy sledders return from their sporty endeavor.”

“Last one out has lumps of coal in their stocking!”

Advice for the Holidays

Should a German family invite you to a Christmas costume party, and you decide to go as Fox news commentator Brit Hume, remember to sing the following song:

I’ll be Hume for Christmas.
Du kann count auf mich.
C-N-N and F-O-X
Would ne-ver hire dich…

Some Thanksgiving Conversation

“Please pass the stuffing.”
“Why don’t you have your new little trophy wife pass the stuffing, you f***ing a**hole?!”

* * * *

“You didn’t have to bring a dessert. We have plenty.”
“Yeah, but last year yours were a bit, oh, let’s just say tart.”

* * * *

“You did a great job on this. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too dry or juicy.”
“The aroma is absolutely yummy!”
“And the color is a perfect brown.”
“Uh…are you guys talking about the turkey or the dump I just took?”

* * * *

“Do you like my pie, dear?”
“If I didn’t, would there be 12 people seated around this table?”

* * * *

“So Joe, you married yet?”
“No. And to answer your next question, I’m still straight.”

* * * *

“These potatoes have a weird aroma.”
“Maybe you’re smelling the SBD I just cracked.”

* * * *

“What’s that noise? Oh... Hey, dogs throw up cranberries! Who knew?”

* * * *

“I think you’ll find this wine satisfying, if a bit amusing. White, but not dry; possessing a zesty essence.”
“As long as it gets my ass buzzed, it can dry the zest off my shaft for all I care.”

* * * *

“Eat the food before it gets hard.”
“Would that be so bad? Hell, that’s what I’m most thankful for!”
“Before the food gets hard.”
“Oh, right.”

* * * *

“So you’re an accountant now. Hey, sounds gripping!”
“So you’re still a smartass. Hey, grip this!”