Blow Me! Lincolns Mailbag

Dear General Fester: I have recently been pet shopping and have had trouble deciding which young pup would look best on my wall (in pictures, of course). My friends won't talk to me anymore (they found new, BETTER friends). Can you help? Also, any advice you might give on keeping a recent 'test' out of the public eye would be appreciated. Signed, Falcon Forever (PS: My agent helped me write this)

Dear Canine Hitman: I knew you didn't write this letter. You couldn't spell DOG if I spotted you the D and the G. Stay out of the f***ing pet store, fool. By the by, I understand you have Fluffy rated as a 3 point favorite over Spot? Bite me, Fly boy. Say hi to your brother. Maybe they will put you two together soon. I wouldn't worry about the test; I don't think anyone knows about it!

Dear General Fester: I recently was on a really cool TV show! It was AWESOME! I took the opportunity to yell at a bitch who had said some naughty things about one of my friends. Of course, it was all true (what she said), but I figured, since I was on TV, and my hair was especially spikey, that "what the hell?" Hell, a couple of the people in the audience (Mommy and Daddy) even clapped! Why doesn't anyone like me any more? I am really hawt and smart and I have all of my teeth! Signed: Coach G.

Dear Aggie: No one likes you now? Uh, earth to stoolwater: they never did......idiot. PS: When hand feeding children with teeth, be especially careful.

Dear General Fester: Why would people intentionally mispronounce someone's name? A 'friend' of mine, with a pretty unusual name, is being called "Satan" which sounds a LOT like his real name. In fact, a rather hurtful little song was written in this space with the word "Smegma" instead of my 'friend's' real name was posted recently? How do I make it stop? Signed: Rick Fabian

Dear Satan: Repeat after me: I (state your name) promise to never, ever, Dolphins, ever (repeat it) ever, Spartans, ever (repeat) ever, Tigers, ever (repeat) ever, GO F*CK YOURSELF, ever (repeat and go to beginning and repeat continuously until you feel better)

Dear General Fester: I am just a regular gal, wondering what it takes to get into your pants? It seems that Blow Me! is mostly made up of celebrities and sports people, not just regular people like me. Seriously, how do I get lucky? Signed: PSA

Dear google search engine queen: QUIT STALKING ME. It's over, baby......

CONFIDENTIAL TO JUICE MAN: Of course I believe you! I would want my gloves back, too!

The Ballad of Nick Smegma

There was a team they called the fish
Who won most of their games.
But when December rolled around,
Their play was rather tame.

“A new coach! That will fix our plight!”
Said fans in fish-dom-land.
“Our last two haven’t won enough
“And that we cannot stand!

“There is a coach named Smegma.
“I think his first name’s Nick.
“He’ll cost a lot of money,
“But he might do the trick!”

So Smegma came and coached the fish
And drafted players new.
They couldn’t run or block or catch.
Big plays? Well, there were few.

And even though they won oft’ not,
Coach Smegma said he’d stay:
“I’m never going anywhere
“No matter what they pay!

“A promise is a promise
“As such, it must be kept!”
Nick seethed at every question as
The fish grew more inept.

But as the losses mounted up.
Fans saw Nick was a sham.
“I’m staying!” he announced once more,
Then left for Alabam.

Remember that team called the fish,
Who won most of the time?
They’re losing still. Though Smegma’s gone,
He left a trail of slime.

Point:

If life is every bit the stage player that d’Angoulême claimed she was (Roman numerals aside), it should fall to mystics, not the intellectual elite, to steer young scholars away from “backhoed” contingencies.

I await your counterpoints.

Assignment Haiku

Write about what happens when Nickelodeon characters cease to be solids and take other forms.


Patrick, great starfish;
An FM radio wave:
The two merge as one.

Diego: Now steam
From a boiling pot of grits;
His nuts no longer.

Imaginary
Is Eliza Thornberry.
(It’s kind of scary!)

Neutron’s dog Goddard
Dissipates into smegma.
Never shall he wave.

Though spirits one time,
Timmy’s Fairly Oddparents
Are pus in a zit.

Magenta, ex-dog
Now reproduces comics
As Silly Putty.

Movie Reviews, by Erik Estrada

The Godfather
Supposedly one of the greatest movies of all time. I say bullsh*t. Jon and I would have arrested the little rat bastard in a high speed chase, sans shirts. After the chase, with my bare heaving six-pack glistening in the sun, I would have said: "Looking for cannoli? Here's an offer you can't refuse: you're under arrest!"

You've Got Mail
I really like this movie. I cry every time I see it. It brings out the sensitive side in me. My astrologer says that it's tough to have jupiter in gemini and I shouldn't be worried about wearing a terri cloth robe and smelling sharpened pencils. Jon and I like to watch it together, with tissue and lots of lotion handy.

Caged Fury
Definitely my favorite movie of all time. I love women in prison. I love seeing myself in great roles that stretch my acting abilities. I really liked the part where the mime kind of randomly walks through the scene (with the monkey in the cage!). That was my idea; it made the movie more artsy. I had a big argument with the producers about my pulling a hammy right before the big prison escape scene. They said it was more believable that the sister from Oregon broke into and saved the day, since it was an all-girls prison anyway. I wanted to show off my Spanish, too, but they just told me to shut up and take my shirt off! It was awesome!

Spiderman I, II and III
Crap, crappier, crappiest. Who would believe that Seabiscuit's jockey would save the day? He's a f***ing nerd! I thought I should play Peter Parker. I have a much better body for the part and a much better Peter Parker, I've been told. (Get it? that was one of my funny jokes) I think my latino hotness would have been so much better. No way I'm an idiot photographer, though. I would have banged that high school chick rotten.

Interview with a Vampire
I love this movie! It has blood and stuff and I think Brad Pitt is totally hot. I think a bloody faced Tom Cruise may be the most sexy thing I've seen, since I watched the Chips reruns with my shirt off (did I say that again? ooops! LOL! I can't stop myself). It also has a younger version of the chick I would have banged in Spiderman. The only thing I didn't like about it is that there are no motorcycles, and of course, the fact that I'm not in it.

Oldie of the Week: Casablanca
Total piece of crap. My numerologist told me to watch it because of something that my online tarot reading said. When that happens, I always do it. But damn it, I couldn't get my tv to work. There wasn't any color and it was in English. I finally just gave up and watched the stupid thing. No motorcycles, no ME WITH MY SHIRT OFF, no funny stuff or naked women. Again, I would have banged the sh*t outta the girl and put her on the f***ing plane crying, like he did, except for the fact she would be crying in pain and knowing she would never have Ponch again, if you hear what I'm saying.

I've got to go now. I've got my daily hair appointment and then my astrologer told me I needed to go try out for some dancing show that I know is bullsh*t. Send me your movie ideas or questions and I'll do my best to answer them. Don't even think about it if you are a Taurus with a rising sign of Leo. I'll kick your mother f***ing a** for even thinking about it.

An Advice Columnist with Dementia

Dear AACwD: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. Sometimes he smells of perfume. His car does too. More telling, I saw some provocative e-mails from “Sheila” on his computer. Do you think I should confront him?

AACwD: Good morning.


Dear AACwD: I am a recovering alcoholic at my wit’s end. My wife left me, my children (grown) don’t return my calls, and my job is soon to be phased out. I don’t want to drink, but I don’t know where else to turn. Please help!

AACwD: Sometimes my shoes are on the wrong feet. But if they weren’t, it would be double!


Dear AACwD: No matter what I do, I can’t get on my in-laws’ good side. Example: MIL tells me to bring a salad to the family reunion, even though she knows I’m a master chef. Though steamed, I complied, even made a joke about the situation (one that was met with blank stares). Any advice?

AACwD: Have you seen my driver’s license? Half of Spain is in the picture! Quite delightful, really.


Dear AACwD: My husband is so possessive, I can’t stand it! If I so much as talk to another man (like saying “excuse me” in a crowded restaurant), hubby accuses me of sleeping around. I don’t know if it’s insecurity or an overactive imagination, but I’ve about had enough!

AACwD: I must retire to the nest. Bill Tilden is coming to dinner and I mustn’t forget to fluff the nosegay!

Gridiron Musings

I think it's kind of ironic that during football season, it's OK for guys who similarly castigate their significant others for the same thing all year, to plan their wardrobe weeks in advance, to the last detail .

I'm pretty sure that when using the toilet in the stadium from now on, I won't ever reach under the stall for some TP.

Why is it that grown men act like their life is over as they know it to go shopping on the day after Thanksgiving (too crowded, traffic, bad parking lots, standing in line) yet will drop a couple hundred bucks on a September Saturday to do the same exact thing for a football game? Why am I asking you?

I'm sure if I googled it, I could easily find out the origins of 'gridiron' and 'pigskin'. However, I would be afraid to do it without 'safe search enabled'.

Why are we even bothering playing this season? USC has already claimed 5 national titles for their collection before the first damn ball was kicked.

I've been thinking about a new color scheme for penalty flags. I think they should throw pink ones for sissy penalties like encroachment (and by the way, what ever happened to calling it offsides?) and illegal procedure. I'm thinking perhaps a nice shade of orange for 10 yarders like holding, etc (because not a damn thing good happens in orange). And then, Jolly Roger flags, soaked in the blood of virgin goats (have to go somewhere besides Stillwater or Morgantown to find them) for personal fouls.

If one more ghey soccer fan says that soccer "is the real football", I'm gonna punk their sorry asses.....or maybe tell their Mom on them....

After years of picking college football winners, I've arrived at a singular truth: my picks are nearly perfect, I'm just picking the wrong year, apparently.

BOOMER SOONER!