Dearborn/Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Michigan/If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar
State/I had a dream, I had an awesome dream
Balbo/If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?
Rush/What you say about his company is what you say about society
The Mag Mile/Told my girl I’d have to forget her; rather buy me a new carburetor
Ohio/And then he went and he ate up all of my corn
27 April 2009
10 April 2009
3 x 3
Places I’ve never been
1. Flat Top, WV
2. The set of “The Kallikaks”
3. Salvador Dali’s arcuate fasciculus
Concepts divorced from baseball
1. Neighborhood association presidents who dress their wieners in Barbie clothes
2. Deviled street urchins
3. An Elizabethan beach squat
Nothing in particular
1. The use of condiment metaphors to accentuate sex tapes
2. “More corn turds, your Excellency?”
3. Valedictorians who display spit stalactites every time they mimic Nat King Cole
1. Flat Top, WV
2. The set of “The Kallikaks”
3. Salvador Dali’s arcuate fasciculus
Concepts divorced from baseball
1. Neighborhood association presidents who dress their wieners in Barbie clothes
2. Deviled street urchins
3. An Elizabethan beach squat
Nothing in particular
1. The use of condiment metaphors to accentuate sex tapes
2. “More corn turds, your Excellency?”
3. Valedictorians who display spit stalactites every time they mimic Nat King Cole
03 April 2009
A New Yorker Visits New York
I was recently forced to visit the fair (as in average) city of New York. Quite a place, this metropolis—sort of a Toledo in drag. What follows is a run-down of my excursion.
On a recommendation of someone from whom I will never again take advice, I dropped by the Museum of Natural History. The animal exhibit was really something—for anyone who has never seen actual animals! Hey, New Yorkers, it's called a zoo! It has real creatures and they’re alive!
Getting out of the museum as quickly as possible, I walked through a field of barren trees and hookers that the locals call Central Park. From there I took a filthy subway to FAO Schwartz, thinking a toy store might be fun. And it might have been, had any of the overpriced exhibits worked. As it was, I witnessed such an abundance of overacting and saccharine cutesiness that I contracted diabetes.
No worries; I was hungry anyway, so I dined in a real New York deli. And let me tell you, it was some of the finest stale bread and indiscernible meat I ever gagged down. Actually, "dined" may be the wrong word to use for food that becomes projectile diarrhea that quickly.
The locals are quite proud of a large statue in their harbor. What the hell, I thought. Why not?
I'll tell you why not: 1200 people in a boat that could comfortably seat perhaps 35. From there it gets worse, a combination of water, cold, wind, and stairs that lead to basically the same view I had from the ground. Oh yes, then another boat ride.
All in all, a miserable experience, though not an unexpected one. Remember, readers, to find me next week when I visit some backwater known as Disney World.
On a recommendation of someone from whom I will never again take advice, I dropped by the Museum of Natural History. The animal exhibit was really something—for anyone who has never seen actual animals! Hey, New Yorkers, it's called a zoo! It has real creatures and they’re alive!
Getting out of the museum as quickly as possible, I walked through a field of barren trees and hookers that the locals call Central Park. From there I took a filthy subway to FAO Schwartz, thinking a toy store might be fun. And it might have been, had any of the overpriced exhibits worked. As it was, I witnessed such an abundance of overacting and saccharine cutesiness that I contracted diabetes.
No worries; I was hungry anyway, so I dined in a real New York deli. And let me tell you, it was some of the finest stale bread and indiscernible meat I ever gagged down. Actually, "dined" may be the wrong word to use for food that becomes projectile diarrhea that quickly.
The locals are quite proud of a large statue in their harbor. What the hell, I thought. Why not?
I'll tell you why not: 1200 people in a boat that could comfortably seat perhaps 35. From there it gets worse, a combination of water, cold, wind, and stairs that lead to basically the same view I had from the ground. Oh yes, then another boat ride.
All in all, a miserable experience, though not an unexpected one. Remember, readers, to find me next week when I visit some backwater known as Disney World.
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