Showing posts with label cellophane. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cellophane. Show all posts
16 June 2010
World Cup Forum
Given that LT has such a widespread international readership, along with the fact that the planet’s largest global competition is currently being played out in South Africa, we thought this would be an ideal time to turn over a thread to our fans. So what are your thoughts on the World Cup?
29 April 2010
Final: Secretariat vs. 1972 Dolphins
The mighty Fins barely avoided an upset in the semis. Determined to up their intensity, they come out firing in the final. Big Red weathers the initial storm, but just barely, carrying a sizable deficit into the second period. At that juncture, however, Big Mo changes jerseys and Secretariat actually takes the lead just before the half. Miami attempts a trick play as time runs out, but they quickly realize that they’ve never been up against a defense as smart as this. Bailed out by yet another favorable call, however, the Dolphins score off an error and manage a halftime tie.
The Fins begin the second half with trash talk and posturing. Secretariat goes up by 10. Miami tries some deception. Secretariat by 20. The Dolphins get back to basics. Secretariat by 30. Miami gives up. At this point, oddly, the gap closes as Big Red takes pity on his undermanned opponent. Red then clowns his way through the final period, juggling and break dancing instead of playing. Mercifully for Miami, the spectators, and the record-setting TV audience, time runs out on yet another easy Secretariat win.
The Fins begin the second half with trash talk and posturing. Secretariat goes up by 10. Miami tries some deception. Secretariat by 20. The Dolphins get back to basics. Secretariat by 30. Miami gives up. At this point, oddly, the gap closes as Big Red takes pity on his undermanned opponent. Red then clowns his way through the final period, juggling and break dancing instead of playing. Mercifully for Miami, the spectators, and the record-setting TV audience, time runs out on yet another easy Secretariat win.
04 April 2010
A Carolina Easter Poem
In honor of Duke making the national championship game, here's an Easter poem from the Tarheel state (or whatever the hell it's called):
This ain't the day fur deer or pigs
Cuz I is huntin Easter iggs!
This ain't the day fur deer or pigs
Cuz I is huntin Easter iggs!
19 March 2010
Best Trumpet Solos Heard in New Orleans This Month
1. duh duh duh duh DUNH-NUNH!
2. ban a na na na na na na na…BWONK!
3. bwee bwee bweeeeee bweep
4. wonk wonk Bwap wonk wonk (repeat)
5. do do do doooo THWOMP!
2. ban a na na na na na na na…BWONK!
3. bwee bwee bweeeeee bweep
4. wonk wonk Bwap wonk wonk (repeat)
5. do do do doooo THWOMP!
18 February 2010
01 February 2010
The 5 Most Overrated Rivalries
1. Red Sox-Yankees
They play each other what?—18 times a year? Hey ESPN, stop pretending that every one of them is an event! Nobody outside of New England gives a crap.
2. Auburn-Alabama
Such intensity! Such hatred! Such rooting for one another the rest of the year for the glory of the good ol’ SEC!! Duke-UNC you guys ain’t.
3. Evert-Navratilova
Martina went oh for her fat years. Once she got in shape, MarNav laid Chrissie out like Greg Norman on Viagra.
4. Army-Navy
Admirable students at important universities, but the football game has become a big yawner. Quick—who won last year? Yeah, I don’t know either.
5. Duquesne-Fordham
The Dukes rock. Fordham is suck. ‘Nuff said.
They play each other what?—18 times a year? Hey ESPN, stop pretending that every one of them is an event! Nobody outside of New England gives a crap.
2. Auburn-Alabama
Such intensity! Such hatred! Such rooting for one another the rest of the year for the glory of the good ol’ SEC!! Duke-UNC you guys ain’t.
3. Evert-Navratilova
Martina went oh for her fat years. Once she got in shape, MarNav laid Chrissie out like Greg Norman on Viagra.
4. Army-Navy
Admirable students at important universities, but the football game has become a big yawner. Quick—who won last year? Yeah, I don’t know either.
5. Duquesne-Fordham
The Dukes rock. Fordham is suck. ‘Nuff said.
02 November 2009
Overheard in the Caribbean
Look at those fat people getting’ off the cruise ship, mon! I surely feel sorry for their toilets!
Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.
Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!
Say something in Jamaican!
Do you tell time the same way we do?
Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?
Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?
This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!
Why did you shave your nut sac?
Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!
That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!
Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.
Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!
Say something in Jamaican!
Do you tell time the same way we do?
Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?
Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?
This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!
Why did you shave your nut sac?
Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!
That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!
21 September 2009
4 x 4
People who should have been trombonists:
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me
Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle
Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births
Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me
Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle
Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births
Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints
01 September 2009
Things to do on a Trans-Atlantic Flight
Order a Pepsi. When the attendant tells you they only serve Coke, yell, “Imperialist Swine!” in a thick middle eastern accent.
Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.
When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”
Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”
Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.
“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.
Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.
When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.
Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.
Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.
When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”
Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”
Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.
“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.
Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.
When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.
Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.
01 June 2009
Ranking Nothing in Particular
What a difference cell topography makes!
Top 5, June 1, 2009:
1. The spleen beat of the Kaline tympani
2. Poetic references to Turkish sausage production
3. Pillsbury roadkill at a Ghanaian wake
4. Data that do what they should (yes, I said do!)
5. My name is Mephistopheles but you can call me “Sugar Tits”
Top 5 prior to Jennifer Biel’s last BM:
1. Stegosaurus dreams and the resulting mixed fruit pies
2. Black market vinyl atop motorcade tribute bands
3. Crotch grabbing rubberneckers in the heat of fluoridation
4. Pamplona “Eat me’s” during playoff years
5. Whatever it is that keeps sliding into Rafa Nadal’s butt crack before he serves
Top 5, June 1, 2009:
1. The spleen beat of the Kaline tympani
2. Poetic references to Turkish sausage production
3. Pillsbury roadkill at a Ghanaian wake
4. Data that do what they should (yes, I said do!)
5. My name is Mephistopheles but you can call me “Sugar Tits”
Top 5 prior to Jennifer Biel’s last BM:
1. Stegosaurus dreams and the resulting mixed fruit pies
2. Black market vinyl atop motorcade tribute bands
3. Crotch grabbing rubberneckers in the heat of fluoridation
4. Pamplona “Eat me’s” during playoff years
5. Whatever it is that keeps sliding into Rafa Nadal’s butt crack before he serves
21 May 2009
04 May 2009
A Floridian visits Disney
All right readers; let’s get this over with so we can move on to something more important. Navel lint, for example.
Here’s all you need to know about the 4 parks.
Magic Kingdom: Creepy oversized characters and a roller coaster that would be tolerable were not all the suspense removed by placing it under a darkened dome. Oh—that other ride where they strap you in so an alien can spit on you? Pass.
Hollywood Studios: Another unlit roller coaster (what’s the deal?), only this time riders get to hear Aerosmith filler songs at a volume level of distortion as they twist along undaunting loops. All told, this park is about as Hollywood as a NASCAR double-wide.
Animal Kingdom: Sort of like a zoo, but without any real proximity to animals.
Epcot: The front is dominated by a giant Titleist that houses the slowest park ride in captivity. The back has an international flavor, provided you believe that Denmark borders China.
Tune in next time readers, as I give this column a truly international flavor!
Here’s all you need to know about the 4 parks.
Magic Kingdom: Creepy oversized characters and a roller coaster that would be tolerable were not all the suspense removed by placing it under a darkened dome. Oh—that other ride where they strap you in so an alien can spit on you? Pass.
Hollywood Studios: Another unlit roller coaster (what’s the deal?), only this time riders get to hear Aerosmith filler songs at a volume level of distortion as they twist along undaunting loops. All told, this park is about as Hollywood as a NASCAR double-wide.
Animal Kingdom: Sort of like a zoo, but without any real proximity to animals.
Epcot: The front is dominated by a giant Titleist that houses the slowest park ride in captivity. The back has an international flavor, provided you believe that Denmark borders China.
Tune in next time readers, as I give this column a truly international flavor!
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