Canada Statements Followed By My Ass

• ·         “Canada eh?” my ass!
• ·         Horseshoe Falls my ass!
• ·         And while I’m at it: Roger Woodward? My ass!
• ·         Raptors a contender my ass!
• ·         I understand the Adopt-a-Highway program needs help. How about my ass?
• ·         Justin Bieber sucks my ass.
• ·         $1.39 per LITER? Them gas prices belong where? Up my ass!
• ·         How cold is Lake Superior? My ass! That’s how friggin cold it is!
• ·         What’s better than hockey? My ass!
• ·         Banff?! Nice name! Why not just call it my ass?
• ·         You call this coin a looney? Looney my ass!
• ·         I’ve got 3 words for Rob Ford: Kiss...my ass!
• ·         TWO teams named the Rough Riders? That's shit! Up my ass!
• ·         Your ‘biting wind’ can bite my ass!
• ·         I tell where I’d put one a them black squirrels…

Liquids and/or Irony

• Horse cum
• I posted a status update about how Facebook posters are unpoetic obnoxions.
• Diffenbachia squeezin’s
• The Cleveland Symphony is so “sophisticated” they played 3 Ironic Smegma songs in 1 Christmas concert.
• The name of Bengal’s top poet is “Mikl Or-uus”.
• Right fielder spleen juice
• You laugh at a player who sloped 3 feltings and the next thing you know, you’re outside the flaggledroppery bung zone!
• Jewish magician rennen
• Soft?! This butter is about as soft as Loebig when Muncy puts on that leather bikini!
• Condensed VBF
• Smegma in a vat

Follow the NBA Playoffs on Twitter!

@niel_nugent:

Dis b redeculouz play dat could get @ellisj eject! #nba

@tarheelcowboy:

#bobcats stayin wid #heat LOL this 1 goin 7 #bobcatsstayinwid#heatLOLthis1goin7

@livernbeets:

Aint no shit dem boy ballin allova can say wid da fuck LOL! #griz

@nykool:

#nets gone lose dis game sum shit

@estradabung:

Hey @nykool suck my dick bitch

@nykool:

@estradabung fuck you mother bitch

@estradabung:

@nykool SUCK MY DICK BITCH

@honkifyoucoachbama:

@estradabung @nykool fite all fuckers who do talk n shit any tim

@estradabung:

@honkifyoucoachbama @nykool suck my dick bitch

@indyearlie:

What wi @rhibbert look like antic bitch #pacers #nbaplayoffs

@vbf4warriors:

DSterling buttfuckin dildo hope he loose sweep #clipperssuck

@indyearlie:

#pacers win dis pgeorge best eva!

@yoorklitoris:

#griz over #thunder gone b sweep LOL

@Texisuck:

#rockets too big lookin like sweep #nbadonteatme

@salmuncy:

#nba #nbaplayoffs #favmovies #replaceTVcatchphrasewithdick

@fuckbronsface:

MJ wooda never struggled with a team run by a stupid owner #lebronsucks #bobcatnation

Top 10 Trombonist Monthly Controversies

10. The Cleveland Symphony F trigger debate. Long may it wave!

9. The January 1999 exposé suggesting that Millard Fillmore didn’t really discover the trombone. Rather, it was claimed, he invented the tetherball.

8. Crappington’s alleged “discovery” that a Bach 1862 mute with the slide in 4^th position sounds just like a VBF.

7. June 2007 editorial entitled “The Bass Trombone: I Mean, What Sort of Goofy Shit is That?”

6. The long-running Muncy-Loebig debate re. whether the first and second braces should be named after Erik Bung & Niel Hole.

5. The as-yet unresolved question about P-bones: Can they really approximate a clean sound or do we use them just because they look so damn cool?

4. The Duquesne University study suggesting that the friction inherent in the back & forth movement of the slide will eventually force the spit valve to empty itself under great pressure (a new wrinkle to the old “Is it the size of the slide or motion of the trombonist?” argument).

3. Ted Nugent’s prepared statement that “Ya Shoodn’t give yer horn a female name cuz ya kan’t blow a girl! Yi yi yi yi yi yi yi!! Ahhhhhh!!!”

2. The “tromboner” jokes told by the London Philharmonic’s section and the resulting backlash by their prissy little woodwinds.

1. The question of whether media bias exists against the Cleveland Symphony or if their negative press reflects actual widespread hatred. Once this topic hit the message boards, it took off like smegma from a pervert’s whiz pickle.

The 5 People You Meet Up Erik Estrada's Bunghole

Some excerpts from Mitch Albom's new tour de force:

"Sal Muncy?! I haven't seen you since college! Wow—it was with you that I learned how to satisfy a woman."

"Are you kidding me, you asshole? You always finished faster than Usain Bolt on steroids."

*          *          *          *          *

"Will Robinson? What are you doing here?"

"Hey, anything is better than hearing that damn robot yell your name any time there's even a hint of danger. In a way, I’m still Lost in Space. Get it? Haw haw haw!!! Oh crap—Ponch diarrhea just shot out my nose! Ahhh! PONCH DIARRHEA! DANGER! PONCH DIARRHEA!"

*          *          *          *          *

"So let me get this straight--you’re   Ted Nugent's willy?"

"Wang Dang Sweet Brown Tang!"

*          *          *          *          *

Then I saw a badger and feared that I must tred lightly.

"Relax," spoke the varmint. "I was Aesop's favorite."

*          *          *          *          *

"Erik Estrada? But...? How...? is that even possible?" 

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference 4 Pi Days make!

Top 5, last time I got some:

1. Overheard in 1958: “That right fielder of the Tigers looks like he’d have some mighty dee-lish spleen juice!”

2. Mountain bikers who wipe their bums with liquid nails

3. Links pertaining to, but not directly referencing, pepper-stained ovaries

4. Seaside gentlemen who seem exceedingly sensitive about their whiskey-scented urine

5. Final French fish that isn’t a rock reference?

 Top 5, week of:

1. Fillmorian structure applied to the vomit on my dick
2. Vlad Putin’s moobs as a cornerstone of broken Lego
3. Spanish werewolves trying to act all merry merry merry and shit
4. Compound words for acts of increased sexual capacity

5. "Al Kaline’s spleen juice is so runny it’s dropping faster than Erik Estrada's death bed turds!" 

A Surrealist Dog Takes A Shit

Need to go out. Go to door. Wag tail. Wag more damn it! Somebody must let me out! Molten spleen of the right fielder emanates a Dickinsonian nectar.

Someone coming. Grabbing a leash! All is well. The beating pulse of arterial splendor casts lightly upon one’s shelter.

Outside. Must walk. Can’t shit too close to house or walk ends. Volcanic frequencies flash aft, as if emanating from the sun.

Have traveled around 2 corners. Must pull leash. Stop walking! Time to squat. The brightness of odorous limbs claims royalty per heaven’s lost pastries.

Ah! Oh…yessss! Finally dislodged the bastard! And in 4 separate places so the human has to move his bag all about the knoll as he searches for my waste. Plaid dexterity is gaseous upon contextual power.

Back inside. Feel something under my tail. One last job: Must wipe ass on carpet. Lucidity is never superficial in the wake of secession.

Fini.

Downton Abbey Recaps the Sochi Winter Olympics

Adieu is quite in order for the rich and poor of Downton Abbey as they summarize the goings on in that 'dreadful' country with the bald old chap in charge...

Cora: I was so enthralled by the Ice Dancing and the bulging manhood of the dancers! I don't know if they enjoy the company of women, sadly. I can't get Robert to clean my ice anymore.

Thomas: Wow, my Lady, are you reading my mind? My formal servant attire was getting tight in the midsection if you know what I mean. The throbbing vibration of the ice brings juice to the loins! Being gay in Sochi is very similar to the 1920's in England!

Bates: Fuck the Olympics and anyone who isn't first. Keep you damn smegma stained hands off my wife - I know where to find sharpened luge blades, pal. Oh, and my limp was from a triple salchow accident.

Robert: Bates has taken on such an aggressive attitude of late hasn't he? I suspect VBF in the homeplace, which is why Cora goes without my 'attention', if you please. The brits made quite a show, good chaps, though I do not understand why women and servants compete. This should be for gentleman only, by God!

Sybil and Matthew: Yeah, we are dead. But we are banging each other daily and laughing at your tears. Olympics? You should see Matthew and I in the two person bedroom luge! FUCK!

Branson: I am torn between who I was and who I am and who I am meant to be and have annoyed everyone throughout.

Dowager Countess: Branson, you pitiful fool. You are dreadful regardless. And I find myself ashamed at this family. Watching Shaun White suck ass publicly was righteous! Word!

Edith and Rose: We love us some 'N' word booty!

Lincoln's Trombone Presents Honest Answers to Your Sports Questions

What'd you think of the Super Bowl?

Meh.

Was Peyton Manning's legacy diminished?

He threw some bad passes. It's not like the guy plagiarized a cure for rectal discharge. Who gives a shit about some musclehead's legacy?

What are your thoughts on the Wells Report?

Turns out that, deep down, guys who bang their heads into each other for a living are assholes. Shocker.

We all know this year's Winter Olympics are in Sochi. Where will the next ones be held?

I'm sure it'll be some other snowy shithole you never heard of.

Can Nadal top Federer's grand slam record with Djokovic in his way?

I wonder about that myself.

Which major league baseball team will surprise everyone this season a la '12 Giants or '13 Pirates?

Who the hell knows?

Is Florida State a shoo-in for the next college football national championship?

History says it’s far more likely they'll go back to beating up cupcakes in September, lose to NC State, then limp into some bowl named after a product you would never buy.

Who got the best recruiting class this year?

You’re asking which group of current 17-year olds will eventually be the best 22-year old players? Seriously?

March Madness: Most exciting way to pick a champion?

If by "most exciting" you mean "least valid," then yes.

What about that Marcus Smart spitting thing?

The fan is clearly a grade A number one fuckstick. On the other hand, Smart plays for a school best known for causing sheep bung to bleed for all the wrong reasons. Tough call.

Do you think Michael Sam's announcement will hurt his draft status?

It shouldn't. Any good GM will be more concerned with how well he inflicts brain damage on opponents than on where he sticks his cock after practice.

The Browns need a QB. Think they'll draft Manziel?

Who the fuck cares?

Is Miami-OKC the next great NBA rivalry?

You think Lincoln's Trombone can predict injuries, player attrition, coaching changes, draft successes, trades, how well new players mesh, blind luck, and 100 or so other variables? You're an idiot.

How about that All-Star game?

Every bit as good as the Pro Bowl. And by 'good' I mean unwatchable.

Who's your bet for this year's Stanley Cup?

Oh shit. Is it time for that again?

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition


5. Watching Michael Sam 'do' the half-pipe to Scott Hamilton

4. The hotel water as a kicker for Germany's Shizer Team

3. Vladimir Putin's celebratory Gold Medal Rim-Job

2. Selfies by Miley Cyrus and the Jamaican Bobsled team, au natural

1. Mary Carillo licking Bob Costas' eyeballs

Guide to the Winter Olympics

We all love the Olympics with its wide variety of games. But how well do we really understand sports we watch once every 4 years? For those having trouble, we present a list of Olympic sports & their objectives.

Bobsled--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Luge--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Skeleton--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Snowboarding--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Skiing--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Ski jumping--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible, then fly
Speed skating--get across an icy surface as quickly as possible
Short track speed skating--get around tiny icy circles as quickly as possible
Figure skating--smile pretty for the judges
Curling--like Jarts except you don't end up putting a hole in little brother's hand
Biathlon--nobody knows

Best and Worst Super Bowl Commercials of 2014

Best, in no particular order:

· That Bud Light one that made some of the people at my Super Bowl party laugh.
· Millard Fillmore singing with Ironic Smegma was genius.
· Nancy Reagan farting the FOX NFL jingle was mildly amusing.

I don’t actually remember any of the others. Oh wait—the last one I saw that was actually funny had Letterman, Leno, & Oprah on a couch. Can’t remember exactly when it played though.

Worst:

· That Bud Light one, ‘cause it made only the stupid people at my Super Bowl party laugh.
· The Queen of England deep throating Richard Sherman crossed the line, in the humble opinion of this writer.
· The ones where the ad execs were trying so hard to be clever that they not only failed in that endeavor, but no one even remembers the product (at last count, there were 188 of these).

SUPER BOWL 2014: PREDICTIONS

1. Dan Dierdorf's lisp will become self aware

2. The kickoff will be precisely at 4:20

3. Peyton Manning's forehead will be interviewed by a posthumous Tom Mees forehead.

4. Jim Brown threatens to return to the game to preserve any record broken by "those niggas hoes        who dissed my mama, yo"

5. The entire Seahawks team is discovered to use a little know, first to be found, Performance enhancing drug: Al Kaline's Spleen Juice. Rather than a forfeit, they are forced to watch Pete Carroll take a dump on Howie Long's yard.

6. ESPN will promote the SEC as being better than the NFL - just look at the damn competition!

7. Nick Saban will make a guest appearance. Promptly screams at Terry Bradshaw for "NOT WANTING IT ENOUGH GAWD DAMMIT!"

8. Al Michaels will shout DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, YES! over and over. Madonna's boyfriend responds with a sad, knowing nod.

9. Michael Jackson suddenly appears to the do the halftime show and quickly dissipates when he realizes it isn't the Little League World Series and Catholic priest hummer rally.

10. A variety of half thought out and mildly clever commercials appear. Erik Estrada tells his gathering that he 'turned down roles in each of them' because they didn't invite Jon or his astrologer onto the set.

How to be an Internet Asshole

Step 1. Get drunk.

Step 2. Post something stupid. And don't pretend you don't know how. You've seen the posts. "Obama got into Harvard on a Muslim scholarship. It's been verified!" or "Christie can't relate to me cause all the fat **** does is suck on his diabetic sores! I hope he dies!" If you're still stuck, use this formula: Choose a country, state, town, team, civic organization, church, or random building and announce that we should "burn the f***** place to the ground!"

Step 3. Take the resulting flak. When anonymous Internet responses begin with "Suck cocks in hell you f**** asshole" you know you've done steps 1 & 2 correctly.

Step 4. Sober up. Realize you crossed the line. Time to rally!

Step 5. Post that you never really believed what you said in step 2. Rather, you were just trying to get people talking about such an important matter.

Step 6. Sit back and watch as the ever-present flak gets balanced with some sympathy and even support. Someone will comment on the "guts" it took to post something so "provocative." This will momentarily confuse you until you realize it is simply a reference to your stupid post by somebody even stupider.

Step 7. After reading everything that everyone said about you, state that you don't really care what anyone says about you.

Step 8. Repeat step 7. Often. Make certain that everyone knows that you don't care what anyone thinks. 

Step 9. Go back to step 1. Repeat sequence with a new stupid opinion.


One final note: This same basic sequence works for sportswriters who give away their Baseball Hall of Fame vote.

Top 10 Death Bed Confessions of all time (bengali style)

With no adieu whatsoever...


10. Sigmund Freud, minutes before he died, claiming that he hit the dirt hole of Greta Garbo

 9.  John Belushi claiming to have won the 1974 Flaggledrop MVP of Glastonbury

 8.  Phil Silvers was said to have suggested that "Hecuba left those poor poor people"

 7.  Al Kaline reportedly secretly stashed all of his remaining spleen juice in a Captian Kangaroo cup stored
      in the refrigerator of a soon to be born A. Rodriguez. (and as a result, did NOT DIE!)

 6. Salvador Dali reportedly crapped on canvas and it sold for $27,000,000 in 2011.

 5. John Denver reportedly said, "Good Luck, Mr Gorsky"

 4. Marching ant #203,402,789,612 claiming to be #309,677,336,101

 3. The "Gipper" confessing to being Jewish and being an Oklahoma fan.

 2. Yul Brynner admitting to shaving his head with Anne Baxter's sandpaper like snatch

  1. Millard Fillmore claimed to have killed a time traveling Erik Estrada