The Legend of Tim Tebow

It’s a cryin’ shame that the mighty Tim was robbed of the Heisman. Yes, a shame—and here’s a short list why:

• Tebow put the team on his back after their undeserved loss. Percy Harvin and the rest of the untalented stiffs simply tagged along for the ride.

• Tebow will head butt a wrecking ball if that’s what it takes to inspire his lazy-ass teammates.

• Tebow actually coaches his team behind a cardboard cutout of “Urban Meyer”

• Tebow never pees in the shower. And if he did, drains would unclog, I’ll tell you that right now!

• Tebow is Santa Claus.

• Tebow solved Lost and knows all the secrets of the island.

• When Tebow shakes hands, metacarpals turn to dust.

• When Tebow takes a dump, fields of lilies wish they smelled so good.

• When he’s in a bind, Jack Bauer calls Tebow for advice.

• Tebow collects for the Salvation Army while simultaneously playing Flight of the Bumblebees on a bass trombone.

• Obama prayed daily that Tebow wouldn’t run.

• Tebow satisfied your girlfriend like she’s never been satisfied before.

• Tebow pulled Pete Carroll’s pants up and chased him off my porch.

• Tebow prosecuted OJ.

Bad Santa 2008

As has been custom for many a year, a collection of prose, for the season, from a different point of view....

Twas the month before Obama
and all through the land
Democrats and Republicans
Joined in the F**k you America, band.
F**K fannie, f**k freddie, f**k AIG;
F**k Citi f**k Morgan and screw Goldman with glee!
Most of all, f**k Lehman and f**k old bear stearns;
With the largest f**kstick, probe till they yearn!


Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Looks like I'll be jerking off again.


Dear Johnnie:

Thanks for your letter;
(But I liked the way your Mom sucked my d**k much better!)
You asked about elves
and to this I reply,
Yes, I have them
until they all cry.
As the reindeer; of course they can fly!
The secret ingredient? Mrs Claus' pie.
How can I make that trip in a night?
Wild Turkey and Red Bull until I'm higher than a kite.
As for your present, you ask, in your Christmas sock
Of course, you shall have one! (next line too graphic...)


Dear Santa:

I left you a salad instead of Milk and Cookies. I'm worried about your cholesterol. Signed, Martha S.

Dear Martha S:

Thanks for the salad. I left you a big black dildo for you to go f**k yourself. Santa

Dear Santa:

Could you get me outta here before the 25th? Signed, Orenthal S.

Dear Orenthal S:

No problem. You should be meeting Johnnie C. soon - I'll set up an appointment for you.

Dear Santa:

I'm sick of this place. Signed, George B.

Dear George B:

I guess so! You sold it to a f******g ******!
(illini)

A Holiday Poem

Strolling the snowy streets, her and me,
My gaze falls about and what do I see?

Lights and shit.