BAD SANTA - 2015

Santa: What would you like for Christmas young man?

Hairpiece guy: I would like to be president, please.

Santa: I have granted this wish previously. Are you willing to pay the price?

Hairpiece guy: I will do anything...anything.

Santa: Ok, my fine man. All you have to do is suck Hillary's titties and eat out her VBF vag anytime she asks.

Hairpiece guy: What the fuck?

Santa: Bill did it for eight years.

Hairpiece guy: Fuck this shit, I am going to play golf with Nugent.

Santa: Go fuck yourself, douchebag.

Hairpiece guy: Happy Kwanzaa, bitch.

Canada Statements Followed By My Ass

• ·         “Canada eh?” my ass!
• ·         Horseshoe Falls my ass!
• ·         And while I’m at it: Roger Woodward? My ass!
• ·         Raptors a contender my ass!
• ·         I understand the Adopt-a-Highway program needs help. How about my ass?
• ·         Justin Bieber sucks my ass.
• ·         $1.39 per LITER? Them gas prices belong where? Up my ass!
• ·         How cold is Lake Superior? My ass! That’s how friggin cold it is!
• ·         What’s better than hockey? My ass!
• ·         Banff?! Nice name! Why not just call it my ass?
• ·         You call this coin a looney? Looney my ass!
• ·         I’ve got 3 words for Rob Ford: Kiss...my ass!
• ·         TWO teams named the Rough Riders? That's shit! Up my ass!
• ·         Your ‘biting wind’ can bite my ass!
• ·         I tell where I’d put one a them black squirrels…

Liquids and/or Irony

• Horse cum
• I posted a status update about how Facebook posters are unpoetic obnoxions.
• Diffenbachia squeezin’s
• The Cleveland Symphony is so “sophisticated” they played 3 Ironic Smegma songs in 1 Christmas concert.
• The name of Bengal’s top poet is “Mikl Or-uus”.
• Right fielder spleen juice
• You laugh at a player who sloped 3 feltings and the next thing you know, you’re outside the flaggledroppery bung zone!
• Jewish magician rennen
• Soft?! This butter is about as soft as Loebig when Muncy puts on that leather bikini!
• Condensed VBF
• Smegma in a vat

Follow the NBA Playoffs on Twitter!

@niel_nugent:

Dis b redeculouz play dat could get @ellisj eject! #nba

@tarheelcowboy:

#bobcats stayin wid #heat LOL this 1 goin 7 #bobcatsstayinwid#heatLOLthis1goin7

@livernbeets:

Aint no shit dem boy ballin allova can say wid da fuck LOL! #griz

@nykool:

#nets gone lose dis game sum shit

@estradabung:

Hey @nykool suck my dick bitch

@nykool:

@estradabung fuck you mother bitch

@estradabung:

@nykool SUCK MY DICK BITCH

@honkifyoucoachbama:

@estradabung @nykool fite all fuckers who do talk n shit any tim

@estradabung:

@honkifyoucoachbama @nykool suck my dick bitch

@indyearlie:

What wi @rhibbert look like antic bitch #pacers #nbaplayoffs

@vbf4warriors:

DSterling buttfuckin dildo hope he loose sweep #clipperssuck

@indyearlie:

#pacers win dis pgeorge best eva!

@yoorklitoris:

#griz over #thunder gone b sweep LOL

@Texisuck:

#rockets too big lookin like sweep #nbadonteatme

@salmuncy:

#nba #nbaplayoffs #favmovies #replaceTVcatchphrasewithdick

@fuckbronsface:

MJ wooda never struggled with a team run by a stupid owner #lebronsucks #bobcatnation

Top 10 Trombonist Monthly Controversies

10. The Cleveland Symphony F trigger debate. Long may it wave!

9. The January 1999 exposé suggesting that Millard Fillmore didn’t really discover the trombone. Rather, it was claimed, he invented the tetherball.

8. Crappington’s alleged “discovery” that a Bach 1862 mute with the slide in 4^th position sounds just like a VBF.

7. June 2007 editorial entitled “The Bass Trombone: I Mean, What Sort of Goofy Shit is That?”

6. The long-running Muncy-Loebig debate re. whether the first and second braces should be named after Erik Bung & Niel Hole.

5. The as-yet unresolved question about P-bones: Can they really approximate a clean sound or do we use them just because they look so damn cool?

4. The Duquesne University study suggesting that the friction inherent in the back & forth movement of the slide will eventually force the spit valve to empty itself under great pressure (a new wrinkle to the old “Is it the size of the slide or motion of the trombonist?” argument).

3. Ted Nugent’s prepared statement that “Ya Shoodn’t give yer horn a female name cuz ya kan’t blow a girl! Yi yi yi yi yi yi yi!! Ahhhhhh!!!”

2. The “tromboner” jokes told by the London Philharmonic’s section and the resulting backlash by their prissy little woodwinds.

1. The question of whether media bias exists against the Cleveland Symphony or if their negative press reflects actual widespread hatred. Once this topic hit the message boards, it took off like smegma from a pervert’s whiz pickle.

The 5 People You Meet Up Erik Estrada's Bunghole

Some excerpts from Mitch Albom's new tour de force:

"Sal Muncy?! I haven't seen you since college! Wow—it was with you that I learned how to satisfy a woman."

"Are you kidding me, you asshole? You always finished faster than Usain Bolt on steroids."

*          *          *          *          *

"Will Robinson? What are you doing here?"

"Hey, anything is better than hearing that damn robot yell your name any time there's even a hint of danger. In a way, I’m still Lost in Space. Get it? Haw haw haw!!! Oh crap—Ponch diarrhea just shot out my nose! Ahhh! PONCH DIARRHEA! DANGER! PONCH DIARRHEA!"

*          *          *          *          *

"So let me get this straight--you’re   Ted Nugent's willy?"

"Wang Dang Sweet Brown Tang!"

*          *          *          *          *

Then I saw a badger and feared that I must tred lightly.

"Relax," spoke the varmint. "I was Aesop's favorite."

*          *          *          *          *

"Erik Estrada? But...? How...? is that even possible?" 

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference 4 Pi Days make!

Top 5, last time I got some:

1. Overheard in 1958: “That right fielder of the Tigers looks like he’d have some mighty dee-lish spleen juice!”

2. Mountain bikers who wipe their bums with liquid nails

3. Links pertaining to, but not directly referencing, pepper-stained ovaries

4. Seaside gentlemen who seem exceedingly sensitive about their whiskey-scented urine

5. Final French fish that isn’t a rock reference?

 Top 5, week of:

1. Fillmorian structure applied to the vomit on my dick
2. Vlad Putin’s moobs as a cornerstone of broken Lego
3. Spanish werewolves trying to act all merry merry merry and shit
4. Compound words for acts of increased sexual capacity

5. "Al Kaline’s spleen juice is so runny it’s dropping faster than Erik Estrada's death bed turds!"