Overheard in the Caribbean

Look at those fat people getting’ off the cruise ship, mon! I surely feel sorry for their toilets!

Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.

Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!

Say something in Jamaican!

Do you tell time the same way we do?

Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?

Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?

This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!

Why did you shave your nut sac?

Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!

That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!

Halloween Costumes You Can Make at Home

Guy with butter knife imbedded in his hand

Stripper looking for her pole

Mr. Band-Aid Moustache

Mrs. Lost Pants

Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler

David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)

A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs

The Abominable Nosebleed

Coagulated Vaseline

Joe the Plumber

Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)

Mark the Congressman (requires candy)

A prison whore with a purty mouth

Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)

Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)

A Floridian Visits Tampa

I was told to visit 4 places. That’s right, these were the recommendations; the best Tampa has to offer.

1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.

2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!

3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.

4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.

4 x 4

People who should have been trombonists:
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me

Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle

Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births

Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints

Things to do on a Trans-Atlantic Flight

Order a Pepsi. When the attendant tells you they only serve Coke, yell, “Imperialist Swine!” in a thick middle eastern accent.

Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.

When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”

Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”

Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.

“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.

Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.

When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.

Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.

Lesser known Military acronyms

We all know FUBAR and SNAFU, but did you know these?

BITE: Bile is trickling everywhere

SNARF: Shit No, Ain't Rectal F**king

SPLEEN: Spit polish, lick, eat each nut

OBNOXION: Made up fu**ing army word

ESTRADA: Eat shit, then rape all dumb asses

PLEBE: Please let each boy ejaculate

FYCSCLFPOS: F*ck you, c*ck sucking c*nt licking f*ckstick piece of shit.

Peculiar Statements Made in the Bahamas, Summer 2009

Get your ass out of my rum.

Why is Schistosomiasis so fun to say, but such a pain to have?

I got your Grand Bahama, right here!

Eight bucks for a box of cereal? You got a lot of nerve calling this Free Port!

The backhoe contingency necessitates spiritual interpretations any way the wind blows, Herr Scheiss Monster.

Nassau?! Is dat named aftuh da one in New Yawk?

The ocean water is so warm there's no difference when I pee!

If conch fritters rhymed with diarrhea, I could write a poem about this place.

The next one who sings 'Glass bottomed boat, you make the rockin' world go 'round' gets knifed in the gizzard. Don't believe it? Try me!