A closed head injury
“A Dummy’s Guide to Infidelity” by David Letterman (with Foreword by Tiger Woods)
“Soldier or Anteater” NFL locker room hidden camera guessing game
Frat Party Simulator (pay the extra for the projectile vomit sprayer)
Cleveland Browns season tickets (the deals on these keep getting better)
Petrified smegma
An electric balloon
Earwax statue of Millard Fillmore (get started early on this one)
Barbed wire jockstrap (unsalted)
Backhoe contingency lair spotters fresh off the highway of lust
Hemorrhoid glitter
A subscription to Lincoln’s Trombone
04 December 2009
12 November 2009
Giving Thanks
Ever been at Thanksgiving dinner when suddenly you’re asked what you’re thankful for and you have nothing to say? Next time, instead of looking like a dweeb in front of the entire extended family, use some or all of the following.
I’m thankful for…
• Seeing most of you only once a year
• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats
• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge
• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football
• Time travel (assuming you know about this)
• The statute of limitations on public nudity
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant
• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand
And, finally:
• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!
I’m thankful for…
• Seeing most of you only once a year
• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats
• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge
• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football
• Time travel (assuming you know about this)
• The statute of limitations on public nudity
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant
• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand
And, finally:
• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!
02 November 2009
Overheard in the Caribbean
Look at those fat people getting’ off the cruise ship, mon! I surely feel sorry for their toilets!
Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.
Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!
Say something in Jamaican!
Do you tell time the same way we do?
Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?
Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?
This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!
Why did you shave your nut sac?
Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!
That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!
Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.
Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!
Say something in Jamaican!
Do you tell time the same way we do?
Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?
Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?
This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!
Why did you shave your nut sac?
Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!
That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!
19 October 2009
Halloween Costumes You Can Make at Home
Guy with butter knife imbedded in his hand
Stripper looking for her pole
Mr. Band-Aid Moustache
Mrs. Lost Pants
Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler
David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)
A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs
The Abominable Nosebleed
Coagulated Vaseline
Joe the Plumber
Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)
Mark the Congressman (requires candy)
A prison whore with a purty mouth
Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)
Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)
Stripper looking for her pole
Mr. Band-Aid Moustache
Mrs. Lost Pants
Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler
David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)
A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs
The Abominable Nosebleed
Coagulated Vaseline
Joe the Plumber
Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)
Mark the Congressman (requires candy)
A prison whore with a purty mouth
Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)
Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)
01 October 2009
A Floridian Visits Tampa
I was told to visit 4 places. That’s right, these were the recommendations; the best Tampa has to offer.
1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.
2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!
3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.
4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.
1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.
2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!
3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.
4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.
21 September 2009
4 x 4
People who should have been trombonists:
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me
Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle
Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births
Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me
Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle
Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births
Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints
01 September 2009
Things to do on a Trans-Atlantic Flight
Order a Pepsi. When the attendant tells you they only serve Coke, yell, “Imperialist Swine!” in a thick middle eastern accent.
Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.
When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”
Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”
Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.
“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.
Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.
When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.
Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.
Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.
When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”
Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”
Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.
“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.
Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.
When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.
Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.
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