Ever been at Thanksgiving dinner when suddenly you’re asked what you’re thankful for and you have nothing to say? Next time, instead of looking like a dweeb in front of the entire extended family, use some or all of the following.
I’m thankful for…
• Seeing most of you only once a year
• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats
• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge
• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football
• Time travel (assuming you know about this)
• The statute of limitations on public nudity
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend
• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant
• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand
And, finally:
• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!
Showing posts with label Thanksgiving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thanksgiving. Show all posts
12 November 2009
09 November 2007
Some Thanksgiving Conversation
“Please pass the stuffing.”
“Why don’t you have your new little trophy wife pass the stuffing, you f***ing a**hole?!”
* * * *
“You didn’t have to bring a dessert. We have plenty.”
“Yeah, but last year yours were a bit, oh, let’s just say tart.”
* * * *
“You did a great job on this. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too dry or juicy.”
“The aroma is absolutely yummy!”
“And the color is a perfect brown.”
“Uh…are you guys talking about the turkey or the dump I just took?”
* * * *
“Do you like my pie, dear?”
“If I didn’t, would there be 12 people seated around this table?”
* * * *
“So Joe, you married yet?”
“No. And to answer your next question, I’m still straight.”
* * * *
“These potatoes have a weird aroma.”
“Maybe you’re smelling the SBD I just cracked.”
* * * *
“What’s that noise? Oh... Hey, dogs throw up cranberries! Who knew?”
* * * *
“I think you’ll find this wine satisfying, if a bit amusing. White, but not dry; possessing a zesty essence.”
“As long as it gets my ass buzzed, it can dry the zest off my shaft for all I care.”
* * * *
“Eat the food before it gets hard.”
“Would that be so bad? Hell, that’s what I’m most thankful for!”
“Before the food gets hard.”
“Oh, right.”
* * * *
“So you’re an accountant now. Hey, sounds gripping!”
“So you’re still a smartass. Hey, grip this!”
“Why don’t you have your new little trophy wife pass the stuffing, you f***ing a**hole?!”
* * * *
“You didn’t have to bring a dessert. We have plenty.”
“Yeah, but last year yours were a bit, oh, let’s just say tart.”
* * * *
“You did a great job on this. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too dry or juicy.”
“The aroma is absolutely yummy!”
“And the color is a perfect brown.”
“Uh…are you guys talking about the turkey or the dump I just took?”
* * * *
“Do you like my pie, dear?”
“If I didn’t, would there be 12 people seated around this table?”
* * * *
“So Joe, you married yet?”
“No. And to answer your next question, I’m still straight.”
* * * *
“These potatoes have a weird aroma.”
“Maybe you’re smelling the SBD I just cracked.”
* * * *
“What’s that noise? Oh... Hey, dogs throw up cranberries! Who knew?”
* * * *
“I think you’ll find this wine satisfying, if a bit amusing. White, but not dry; possessing a zesty essence.”
“As long as it gets my ass buzzed, it can dry the zest off my shaft for all I care.”
* * * *
“Eat the food before it gets hard.”
“Would that be so bad? Hell, that’s what I’m most thankful for!”
“Before the food gets hard.”
“Oh, right.”
* * * *
“So you’re an accountant now. Hey, sounds gripping!”
“So you’re still a smartass. Hey, grip this!”
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