Quarterfinals

Match 1: 1972 Dolphins vs. Bobby Fischer. Fischer opens well, but this is one group match that is simply too much for his insane cortex to handle. With a quick fake and limber execution, Jake Scott single-handedly snatches victory away from “The Fischer-Man” in the final seconds.

Match 2: 1927 Yankees vs. Mark Spitz. First upset of the day, as the ’27 team is surprised by Spitz’s speed and stamina. Gehrig leads a valiant comeback, but too late in the day and the Yanks fall short.

Match 3: Secretariat vs. Taylor Hicks. A complete mismatch. Big Red, fresh off his qualifying annihilation of Larry Storch, defeats Hicks before the opening bell stops ringing.

Match 4: Bill Tilden vs. Millard Fillmore. Though Vegas installed him as a slight favorite, Tilden can’t hang with the tougher and more seasoned prez. Fillmore gets the early lead and coasts.

Semifinal pairings: Dolphins-Spitz; Secretariat-Fillmore.

Rejected Disney Theme Park Atractions

Top 10, as of early this morning:

10. Simba's Buffet, featuring the grisly deaths of Timon and Poomba
9. Roy Disney's Polyp Collection
8. Regis and Kathy Lee starring in "The Rescuers go North of 90th Street"
7. "So you want to be a fairy?" narrated by Richard Simmons
6. Michael Eisner presents "Reasons I am God"
5. Interactive videos: "What lonely pirates do at sea"
4. The world is freaking HUGE, dude!
3. Discounted park hopper pass that doesn't include bathroom admission
2. Bambi's Bordello
1. Al Kaline's spleen juice adventure

Something for the Thursday-Friday Commenters

I did a little research and discovered that over a quarter of the comments we get come on Thursdays and Fridays. To show our appreciation, we will open this entry to the many end-of-the-work-week folks.

Tell us what's on your minds.

Halloween Costumes I’ve Been Unable to Find

1. That translucent liquid that squirts out the first time you use the mustard
2. The saddle sores on Lady Godiva’s ass
3. Danny Bonaduce’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
4. The nose hair fairy
5. A Dolphin fan celebrating a win
6. The guitar solo from The Torture Never Stops
7. Rudy Giuliani's impersonation of Hannah Montana
8. The semaphore version of the wind beneath Abe Vigoda's scales
9. Mark McGwire’s Hall of Fame acceptance speech
10. The perfume my ex-girlfriend wore that night she vomited Boone’s Farm all over the console
11. A guy with his hand in his pants
12. An unpopped blackhead
13. Nick Smegma
14. A sporkful of Cheez Whiz
15. The act of merrily awakening to scofflaws with sunburn
16. An UFC fan on his way to a Mensa meeting
17. Cranial nerve VIII
18. Man O’ War’s rotting corpse
19. That stuff on sunny-side up eggs that looks like snot
20. Snot

Trading Places: Jack Bauer and Cosmo Kramer

While trying to bring down an terrorist cell, Kramer's weapon is entangled in his mansiere. Hilarity ensues.

Jack goes with Jerry to the Soup Nazi kitchen. After a terse exchange, Jack blows the mother f**king soup man to pieces.

Kramer promotes Frank Costanza to director of field ops in exchange for smuggling actual Cubans into the country (who turn out to be Dominican knock-offs).

Jerry complains to Elaine that Jack says 'dammit' way too much.

Kramer attempts to court Chloe by going to the ladies room to show her his 'protocol'.

Jack is seen torturing the doorman for information about Newman's whereabouts.

Kramer makes a phone call to the President about a 'sure thing' in the 4th at Aqueduct.

Elaine passes out on the floor when Jack bursts into Jerry's apartment 'commando' style.

Kramer is reprimanded by the powers that be for asking Audrey's Raines to "do the Nina for me, baby".

Jack is accused by Jerry of being a 'low-talker'.

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference several ranking points can make.

Top 5, week of October 8, 2007:

1. Pedestrian greed associated with burlap panties

2. The quarter minute between mastication and deglutition

3. Coeds claiming to major in pre-Horsecrap

4. Reruns of the classic Goefflingmeyer-Horst semifinal

5. “If sweltering fistulae are so delightful, why sleep near the gravy?” (when used as an insult)


Other notables:

6. Clandestine fornicators in a buzz saw of tripe

11. Al Kaline’s spleen juice

25. One-liners about morning wood

58. Word play that leads to nose vomit

339. Carefully executed scene stealers who double as license plate tags

Words that in no way rhyme with Steve

My current list:

filching
brandished
spleenguard
Lewinsky
wassail (german derivation)
blarney
putrid
vbf
Loebidness
mandingo
splotchy crotch
maniacal melvin's mystery meat
autocoprophagy

I would usually add the word whorn or puke orange faggots, but it just pisses me off, generally (and specifically).

Feel free to add to the list.

Notable Essays, Part MCXXVII: Grappefroot

The following excerpt is from an essay, entitled “Republicans and Democrats,” written by Stanley Grappefroot, the only American writer known to simulate bodily noises every 13 syllables.

Perhaps I was naïve, but as a young adult, I—sniff—viewed American political parties far dif—ah-choo!—ferently than I do today. My mental image—BRAAACK!!—of Democrats was an idealistic son, full—[grunt]—of ideas and wanting desperately to save the—ack!—world, if only he had the money to do so. Re—BLAH! LURCH! SPLASH!—publicans, on the other hand, were the dad with the—hack!—checkbook, saying, “Son, I respect your goals, but we sim—ssssssss… “Ah, the pause that refreshes!”—ply cannot afford them all. Let us choose some and re—squeek—visit the others later.” To my way of thinking— Ptttt!—both were needed and both needed each other. Nowa—“Oof! Uh!” [Ker-plunk!] “Ahh!”—days, however, the GOP stands for power, as—Wah! Wahh!—in accumulating as much as possible, damn—ptui!—those in the way. But, unlike the Dems, at least they stand—zzzzzzzzzz—for something.