More Good April Fool’s Pranks

Induce nightmares in your children with midnight swirlies.

Speed down the highway at 125 mph. When a cop pulls you over, eat a spoonful of mustard and vomit all over his uniform.

Put mashed banana in your girlfriend’s sunscreen. When you get to the beach, release the chimps.

When your roommate falls asleep, nail one of those stupid Razorback hats to his head.

Marinate Grandpa’s stool softeners in taco sauce.

Add some ketchup to a dirty Sanchez. Tell her she better get to the proctologist pronto!

Put a non-orange ‘Whorns’ shirt on your child and drive him to Austin. If you live too far away, just put him on the short school bus.

Leave a bottle of Scope and a turd in the coffee lounge. See what sort of interesting interpretations your co-workers come up with.

Join Facebook in your friend’s name. Describe in great detail your career in porn.

St. Patrick’s Day Events in Your Area

Kissimmee, FL: Green Snot Bubble Contest, Amphitheater, 3 pm

Norman, OK: O’Connell’s Breakfast Beer Brawl, 8-9 am

Cleveland, OH: Corned Beef Vomit Exhibit, Lakefront Park, 12-5 pm

New York, NY: Urine Sword Fights, Every Stairwell in Manhattan, all day*

Lincoln, NE: Mr. Potato Head—and Shaft—Contest, Memorial Stadium, 6–10 pm

Flagstaff, AZ: Beach Ball Throw—Speed Gun Reading Closest to Sinead O’Connor’s IQ Wins, Fairgrounds, 11 am

South Bend, IN: The Greatness of Us Lecture Series, part LXVIII, Central Quad, 12-8 pm

Carbondale, IL: Cabbage Turd Open Competition, 10 am (length) and 1 pm (girth)

Mount Pleasant, MI: Klaas Van Vanderhooven’s “Pretend Anyone Gives a Crap about the Irish” Parade, Van Kooi Street, 10 am – 2 pm

Boulder, CO: The Irish Gourmet, Foothills Mall, 5 pm until the potato boils

Crapcakes, ND: Snow Peeing Likenesses of Hollywood Character Actor Brian Dennehy, Main Street, 1-6 pm

Amelia Island: Bono Preach-Alike Gala, noon until a winner is declared.

Pocatello, ID: ISU Student Taste Test: Guinness vs. Pennzoil, 8 am

Burbank, CA: Colin Farrell Quality Film Festival, Palm Theater, 12:30–12:45 pm

Winston-Salem, NC: Class Action Lawsuits Against Conan O’Brien Reunion, Wake Forest Law School, 7 am

Mobile, AL: A Celebration of Celtic Music and Other Annoying Noises, Bear Bryant Park, 10 am–10 pm




*Event not limited to St. Patrick’s Day

The Replacement Coach and the Provisional Administrator

“There any asswipe on your side?”
“Hey pal, why the hell didn’t you check before taking a—wait a sec! PA, is that you?”
[giggle] “Oh you! I was trying to disguise my voice!”
“Never mind that—what the hell are you doing in the men’s room?”
“It’s quicker.”
“But you can’t be in here.”
“It’s quicker.”
“It’s not for you!”
“It’s quicker.”
“Never mind. Just—”
[ppppp ppppp pppplack]
“—What the hell was that?”
“Sorry—poultry.”
“Whoa! Smells like roadkill. What did you eat-a raw chicken?”
[giggle] “Come on. It’s not supposed to be, like, lemony fresh, now is it?”
“Jeez, I got to get out of here. We have a game in 15 minutes.”
“You’re a tennis coach.”
“So?”
“I’m no expert, but I remember them being called matches.”
“Here’s a match: your face and my—“
“Just give me some TP. Please.”
“OK, here.”
[ppppppppppplllaaaacckkkkk]
“On second thought, never mind.”
“Oh come on RC!”
[ppp ppp ppplack ppplack]
“Forget it. I’m not putting my hand any closer to that crapfest than necessary.”
“Well what am I supposed to use?”
“Got any turds?”
“Uh, of course.”
“There yuh go.”
“I’m supposed to wipe my ass with a turd?”
“Why not?”
“Well, just off the top of my head, it would seem that I would be augmenting, as it were, the very substance I’m trying to remove, thereby—”
“Just do it!”
“OK, OK. Keep your pants on.”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, figure of speech.”
“Look, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that if you really believe something is true, then it is. It’s called visuali- victuals-, vaginal-... It doesn’t matter what it’s called. Just grab the turd and start wiping!”
“Fine! I’ll do it! Never let it be said that I won’t do exactly as I’m told!”
[splash]
“Uh…PA…you OK?”
“This is icky. It fell apart in my hands.”
“Hmm, sounds like you need more protein in your diet. Try a Power Bar.”
[plop]
“Oh yuck!”
“Now what?”
“I made a bigger mess than I started with.”
“You didn’t believe, did you?”
“I did believe!”
“But did you really believe? ‘Cause if you had really believed that turd was toilet paper, you’d have wiped your ass clean.”
“I did, I did believe! I swear!”
“Just get dressed and get out of here.”
“But what about the skid marks up and down my vertical smile?”
“What about them?”
“For one thing, they smell.”
“Nobody will notice.”
“They won’t?”
“Not if you want it bad enough!”
“Oh, OK. Thanks!”
[flush]