What a difference one holiday makes!
Top 5, week of November 24, 2007:
1. Formless voices that suggest saying “AH-lou” when discussing Moises Alou
2. Florence Henderson’s false dance card
3. Statuesque lawn gnomes with bloody gums
4. Billy goats who rant about the flavor of the dress code
5. The World Series of Pork
Top 5, pre-Thanksgiving:
1. Spleen juice well behind first
2. Mispronouncing “meatus”
3. Minuscule lawn gnomes with bloodless gums
4. The curse of the odorous shaft
5. Flash drives emitting sparks of everlasting menstruation
24 November 2007
17 November 2007
Every College Football Message Board
There’s no way we loose this game. [Name of opponent] has no running game, no D, and there coach is a retart!
I’m with ya bro. Our third team would take em by 2 TDs. LOL!
Anyone see we got a chance of signing Laerton? Isn’t he the #1 recruit nationally? We do that, we win the next 4 NCs!
He’s coming. Mark it down.
That asshat [name of columnist] wrote that we’re “really good” but have a few areas to “tweak.” How does a f***ing idiot like that even get a column?!
LOL! Who cares what that a-hole says? If I ever see [columnist], I’ll kick his a** I promise you that!
Just another example of how the media NEVER gives us a break. Do they ever say [name of rival] or [name of other rival] need to tweak? Bastages!
Almost game time. Let’s start an official game thread so we can write down what we’re all watching.
Aw geez! [Name of quarterback] just threw an INT. When are they going to play [Backup QB]?
ROFL! You must be kidding!
I assure you, I don’t kid about football!
You ever play the game, asswipe? Some a you fems need to learn about football before you post. I’m LMAO at some a the crap I’m reading here. If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us who to play!
No reason to switch QBs. [Name of coach] knows what he’s doing.
Maybe, but [Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran!
LOL! Who cares what you think?
ROFL! Would you rather be [name of rival team] and win by cheating? That’s what most teams do. Thank God we’ve got class.
Not most teams—practically EVERYBODY cheats. I don’t know how [name of coach] plays so clean and wins. I guess that’s greatness for you. Like you said, pure class. We’ve got it, they wish they had it. LOL!
It’s almost halftime and we’re only winning by 10. Why are we so flat?
The reffing hasn’t helped. Has [opponent] gotten a single flag?
Only the ones they deserved. Meanwhile we get flagged for scratching our nuts.
The [name of conference] hates us. No big story there.
[Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran. Calling a run on 2nd and 10 doesn’t fool anyone if you keep doing it!
LMAO! You ever play the game, asswipe? If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us what to call!
Bad news on Laerton. [High school player ranking service] just announced he’s going to [rival school].
Good riddance to bad rubbish! We’re better off without him.
He wouldn’t have played a down here.
That a-hole will regret this day after we win the next 4 NCs. LOL!
3rd and 1. There out of time outs. We pick this up, the games over.
You ever play the game, asswipe? If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us how many time outs they have left!
Did that idiot [announcer] just ask who our 2nd string tailback is? Hello?! Does the name [of 2nd string tailback] mean anything to you?
ROFL!
Guess we no who the asshats in the booth our rooting for.
They did just say we were great…
LOL! That’s just speaking the truth! No credit for that.
YESSS! First down! Put it in the books, bay-bee!
My congrat’s to any fans of [opponent]. Your a good team. No disgrace to loose to us. Hold your heads up.
We’ll probably move up in the BCS after this.
Maybe, but our O sucked.
What do you expect? [Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran!
I’m with ya bro. Our third team would take em by 2 TDs. LOL!
Anyone see we got a chance of signing Laerton? Isn’t he the #1 recruit nationally? We do that, we win the next 4 NCs!
He’s coming. Mark it down.
That asshat [name of columnist] wrote that we’re “really good” but have a few areas to “tweak.” How does a f***ing idiot like that even get a column?!
LOL! Who cares what that a-hole says? If I ever see [columnist], I’ll kick his a** I promise you that!
Just another example of how the media NEVER gives us a break. Do they ever say [name of rival] or [name of other rival] need to tweak? Bastages!
Almost game time. Let’s start an official game thread so we can write down what we’re all watching.
Aw geez! [Name of quarterback] just threw an INT. When are they going to play [Backup QB]?
ROFL! You must be kidding!
I assure you, I don’t kid about football!
You ever play the game, asswipe? Some a you fems need to learn about football before you post. I’m LMAO at some a the crap I’m reading here. If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us who to play!
No reason to switch QBs. [Name of coach] knows what he’s doing.
Maybe, but [Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran!
LOL! Who cares what you think?
ROFL! Would you rather be [name of rival team] and win by cheating? That’s what most teams do. Thank God we’ve got class.
Not most teams—practically EVERYBODY cheats. I don’t know how [name of coach] plays so clean and wins. I guess that’s greatness for you. Like you said, pure class. We’ve got it, they wish they had it. LOL!
It’s almost halftime and we’re only winning by 10. Why are we so flat?
The reffing hasn’t helped. Has [opponent] gotten a single flag?
Only the ones they deserved. Meanwhile we get flagged for scratching our nuts.
The [name of conference] hates us. No big story there.
[Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran. Calling a run on 2nd and 10 doesn’t fool anyone if you keep doing it!
LMAO! You ever play the game, asswipe? If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us what to call!
Bad news on Laerton. [High school player ranking service] just announced he’s going to [rival school].
Good riddance to bad rubbish! We’re better off without him.
He wouldn’t have played a down here.
That a-hole will regret this day after we win the next 4 NCs. LOL!
3rd and 1. There out of time outs. We pick this up, the games over.
You ever play the game, asswipe? If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us how many time outs they have left!
Did that idiot [announcer] just ask who our 2nd string tailback is? Hello?! Does the name [of 2nd string tailback] mean anything to you?
ROFL!
Guess we no who the asshats in the booth our rooting for.
They did just say we were great…
LOL! That’s just speaking the truth! No credit for that.
YESSS! First down! Put it in the books, bay-bee!
My congrat’s to any fans of [opponent]. Your a good team. No disgrace to loose to us. Hold your heads up.
We’ll probably move up in the BCS after this.
Maybe, but our O sucked.
What do you expect? [Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran!
12 November 2007
16th Century Hyperbole
"Famisheth me wot; mine starvation thou horse for vitual wouldst erstwhile absolve."
"Thine brain, O Lord, is mightiest of all peas."
"Jocluarity of thine tale hast been told of the millionth"
"Doth thou not behold thine ladies bosom? powered vessel upon them, I wouldst 'til dawn!"
"Mine appendage; glorious and mighty, bringeth measure to thy meter!"
"Emit from thy buttocks, would most surely gaggteth lowly maggot"
"Thy visage is thus homely that canine posterior wouldeth mightly improve upon"
"Width and measure of thy girth is wot immeasurable: royal elephants doth fling legumes at thy sight!"
"Kaline, thy juice of spleen, 'een gold competest not!"
"Thine brain, O Lord, is mightiest of all peas."
"Jocluarity of thine tale hast been told of the millionth"
"Doth thou not behold thine ladies bosom? powered vessel upon them, I wouldst 'til dawn!"
"Mine appendage; glorious and mighty, bringeth measure to thy meter!"
"Emit from thy buttocks, would most surely gaggteth lowly maggot"
"Thy visage is thus homely that canine posterior wouldeth mightly improve upon"
"Width and measure of thy girth is wot immeasurable: royal elephants doth fling legumes at thy sight!"
"Kaline, thy juice of spleen, 'een gold competest not!"
09 November 2007
Some Thanksgiving Conversation
“Please pass the stuffing.”
“Why don’t you have your new little trophy wife pass the stuffing, you f***ing a**hole?!”
* * * *
“You didn’t have to bring a dessert. We have plenty.”
“Yeah, but last year yours were a bit, oh, let’s just say tart.”
* * * *
“You did a great job on this. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too dry or juicy.”
“The aroma is absolutely yummy!”
“And the color is a perfect brown.”
“Uh…are you guys talking about the turkey or the dump I just took?”
* * * *
“Do you like my pie, dear?”
“If I didn’t, would there be 12 people seated around this table?”
* * * *
“So Joe, you married yet?”
“No. And to answer your next question, I’m still straight.”
* * * *
“These potatoes have a weird aroma.”
“Maybe you’re smelling the SBD I just cracked.”
* * * *
“What’s that noise? Oh... Hey, dogs throw up cranberries! Who knew?”
* * * *
“I think you’ll find this wine satisfying, if a bit amusing. White, but not dry; possessing a zesty essence.”
“As long as it gets my ass buzzed, it can dry the zest off my shaft for all I care.”
* * * *
“Eat the food before it gets hard.”
“Would that be so bad? Hell, that’s what I’m most thankful for!”
“Before the food gets hard.”
“Oh, right.”
* * * *
“So you’re an accountant now. Hey, sounds gripping!”
“So you’re still a smartass. Hey, grip this!”
“Why don’t you have your new little trophy wife pass the stuffing, you f***ing a**hole?!”
* * * *
“You didn’t have to bring a dessert. We have plenty.”
“Yeah, but last year yours were a bit, oh, let’s just say tart.”
* * * *
“You did a great job on this. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too dry or juicy.”
“The aroma is absolutely yummy!”
“And the color is a perfect brown.”
“Uh…are you guys talking about the turkey or the dump I just took?”
* * * *
“Do you like my pie, dear?”
“If I didn’t, would there be 12 people seated around this table?”
* * * *
“So Joe, you married yet?”
“No. And to answer your next question, I’m still straight.”
* * * *
“These potatoes have a weird aroma.”
“Maybe you’re smelling the SBD I just cracked.”
* * * *
“What’s that noise? Oh... Hey, dogs throw up cranberries! Who knew?”
* * * *
“I think you’ll find this wine satisfying, if a bit amusing. White, but not dry; possessing a zesty essence.”
“As long as it gets my ass buzzed, it can dry the zest off my shaft for all I care.”
* * * *
“Eat the food before it gets hard.”
“Would that be so bad? Hell, that’s what I’m most thankful for!”
“Before the food gets hard.”
“Oh, right.”
* * * *
“So you’re an accountant now. Hey, sounds gripping!”
“So you’re still a smartass. Hey, grip this!”
02 November 2007
How to Order Pay-Per-View
Here are the steps to ordering pay-per-view in my area. Your results may vary (though I’m guessing not by much).
1) Try to order the game by hitting the correct button on the remote.
2) Read an error message stating that it’s not yet available.
3) Repeat step 1 closer to game time.
4) Observe the new error message, telling you it is now too late to order this particular game.
5) Call cable customer service.
6) Wait on hold and hear ads about how great their service is.
7) Listen to customer service rep tell you the game’s not available in your area.
8) Call again.
9) Wait on hold again.
10) Get a different rep and ask if the game is available in the area.
11) Be told no again.
12) Repeat steps 8-10 until you get a rep who says yes.
13) Ask this last rep to hook up the game.
14) By then it’s halftime, so wait 15 more minutes to see if it’s actually the second half of the game for which you just paid full price.
15) If yes: Enjoy. If not, return to step 5.
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