Downton Abbey Recaps the Sochi Winter Olympics

Adieu is quite in order for the rich and poor of Downton Abbey as they summarize the goings on in that 'dreadful' country with the bald old chap in charge...

Cora: I was so enthralled by the Ice Dancing and the bulging manhood of the dancers! I don't know if they enjoy the company of women, sadly. I can't get Robert to clean my ice anymore.

Thomas: Wow, my Lady, are you reading my mind? My formal servant attire was getting tight in the midsection if you know what I mean. The throbbing vibration of the ice brings juice to the loins! Being gay in Sochi is very similar to the 1920's in England!

Bates: Fuck the Olympics and anyone who isn't first. Keep you damn smegma stained hands off my wife - I know where to find sharpened luge blades, pal. Oh, and my limp was from a triple salchow accident.

Robert: Bates has taken on such an aggressive attitude of late hasn't he? I suspect VBF in the homeplace, which is why Cora goes without my 'attention', if you please. The brits made quite a show, good chaps, though I do not understand why women and servants compete. This should be for gentleman only, by God!

Sybil and Matthew: Yeah, we are dead. But we are banging each other daily and laughing at your tears. Olympics? You should see Matthew and I in the two person bedroom luge! FUCK!

Branson: I am torn between who I was and who I am and who I am meant to be and have annoyed everyone throughout.

Dowager Countess: Branson, you pitiful fool. You are dreadful regardless. And I find myself ashamed at this family. Watching Shaun White suck ass publicly was righteous! Word!

Edith and Rose: We love us some 'N' word booty!

Lincoln's Trombone Presents Honest Answers to Your Sports Questions

What'd you think of the Super Bowl?

Meh.

Was Peyton Manning's legacy diminished?

He threw some bad passes. It's not like the guy plagiarized a cure for rectal discharge. Who gives a shit about some musclehead's legacy?

What are your thoughts on the Wells Report?

Turns out that, deep down, guys who bang their heads into each other for a living are assholes. Shocker.

We all know this year's Winter Olympics are in Sochi. Where will the next ones be held?

I'm sure it'll be some other snowy shithole you never heard of.

Can Nadal top Federer's grand slam record with Djokovic in his way?

I wonder about that myself.

Which major league baseball team will surprise everyone this season a la '12 Giants or '13 Pirates?

Who the hell knows?

Is Florida State a shoo-in for the next college football national championship?

History says it’s far more likely they'll go back to beating up cupcakes in September, lose to NC State, then limp into some bowl named after a product you would never buy.

Who got the best recruiting class this year?

You’re asking which group of current 17-year olds will eventually be the best 22-year old players? Seriously?

March Madness: Most exciting way to pick a champion?

If by "most exciting" you mean "least valid," then yes.

What about that Marcus Smart spitting thing?

The fan is clearly a grade A number one fuckstick. On the other hand, Smart plays for a school best known for causing sheep bung to bleed for all the wrong reasons. Tough call.

Do you think Michael Sam's announcement will hurt his draft status?

It shouldn't. Any good GM will be more concerned with how well he inflicts brain damage on opponents than on where he sticks his cock after practice.

The Browns need a QB. Think they'll draft Manziel?

Who the fuck cares?

Is Miami-OKC the next great NBA rivalry?

You think Lincoln's Trombone can predict injuries, player attrition, coaching changes, draft successes, trades, how well new players mesh, blind luck, and 100 or so other variables? You're an idiot.

How about that All-Star game?

Every bit as good as the Pro Bowl. And by 'good' I mean unwatchable.

Who's your bet for this year's Stanley Cup?

Oh shit. Is it time for that again?

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition


5. Watching Michael Sam 'do' the half-pipe to Scott Hamilton

4. The hotel water as a kicker for Germany's Shizer Team

3. Vladimir Putin's celebratory Gold Medal Rim-Job

2. Selfies by Miley Cyrus and the Jamaican Bobsled team, au natural

1. Mary Carillo licking Bob Costas' eyeballs

Guide to the Winter Olympics

We all love the Olympics with its wide variety of games. But how well do we really understand sports we watch once every 4 years? For those having trouble, we present a list of Olympic sports & their objectives.

Bobsled--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Luge--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Skeleton--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Snowboarding--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Skiing--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Ski jumping--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible, then fly
Speed skating--get across an icy surface as quickly as possible
Short track speed skating--get around tiny icy circles as quickly as possible
Figure skating--smile pretty for the judges
Curling--like Jarts except you don't end up putting a hole in little brother's hand
Biathlon--nobody knows

Best and Worst Super Bowl Commercials of 2014

Best, in no particular order:

· That Bud Light one that made some of the people at my Super Bowl party laugh.
· Millard Fillmore singing with Ironic Smegma was genius.
· Nancy Reagan farting the FOX NFL jingle was mildly amusing.

I don’t actually remember any of the others. Oh wait—the last one I saw that was actually funny had Letterman, Leno, & Oprah on a couch. Can’t remember exactly when it played though.

Worst:

· That Bud Light one, ‘cause it made only the stupid people at my Super Bowl party laugh.
· The Queen of England deep throating Richard Sherman crossed the line, in the humble opinion of this writer.
· The ones where the ad execs were trying so hard to be clever that they not only failed in that endeavor, but no one even remembers the product (at last count, there were 188 of these).