Christmas Gift Ideas for Those Hard-to-Shop-For Loved Ones

A closed head injury

“A Dummy’s Guide to Infidelity” by David Letterman (with Foreword by Tiger Woods)

“Soldier or Anteater” NFL locker room hidden camera guessing game

Frat Party Simulator (pay the extra for the projectile vomit sprayer)

Cleveland Browns season tickets (the deals on these keep getting better)

Petrified smegma

An electric balloon

Earwax statue of Millard Fillmore (get started early on this one)

Barbed wire jockstrap (unsalted)

Backhoe contingency lair spotters fresh off the highway of lust

Hemorrhoid glitter

A subscription to Lincoln’s Trombone

Overheard in the Caribbean

Look at those fat people getting’ off the cruise ship, mon! I surely feel sorry for their toilets!

Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.

Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!

Say something in Jamaican!

Do you tell time the same way we do?

Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?

Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?

This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!

Why did you shave your nut sac?

Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!

That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!

Peculiar Statements Made in the Bahamas, Summer 2009

Get your ass out of my rum.

Why is Schistosomiasis so fun to say, but such a pain to have?

I got your Grand Bahama, right here!

Eight bucks for a box of cereal? You got a lot of nerve calling this Free Port!

The backhoe contingency necessitates spiritual interpretations any way the wind blows, Herr Scheiss Monster.

Nassau?! Is dat named aftuh da one in New Yawk?

The ocean water is so warm there's no difference when I pee!

If conch fritters rhymed with diarrhea, I could write a poem about this place.

The next one who sings 'Glass bottomed boat, you make the rockin' world go 'round' gets knifed in the gizzard. Don't believe it? Try me!

Presidential Debate Questions

Senator, in your opinion, what would happen if I dug up Millard Fillmore’s bones, then went back in time and handed them to him?

Hey Ralph--popcorn: Who figured that one out?

Say Alan, if C. Montgomery Burns and Carter Pewterschmidt both wanted the same company, who do you think would get it and why?

Question for all: Might the backhoe contingency be rendered useless under existentialist thought as understood by Jim Morrison?

Why are so many entries in this blog written in list format?

If someone’s nickname was Placenta Earl, would that mean his real name was even worse?

Why have I never been given a Whopper that looks anywhere near as good as the ones in the ads?

Why do we not refer to people as a whole but, instead, to their behinds, as in “Tell him to get his ass in here” or “Just leave her ass alone”?

Whatever happened to General Fester’s “remote” as described in that homophobic entry posted May 24?