What a difference 47,000 light years makes:
Top 5, week of August 29, 2007
1. Dots of SJ splatter on the right field wall
2. Giving flowers to badly scripted waffle iron salesladies
3. Saxophonists who say “uh oh” when asked to introduce their skeleton keys
4. Meowing at St. Cloud’s entrance rules
5. Pork sausages in a wheelhouse dental chair
Top 5, Centuron XP5Philo
1. Smart ass light photons trespassing from Semera LT1091
2. Spiral galaxies in lacy push up bras
3. Bacterium under the guise of temperate microfiche
4. Those black hole jokes astronomers think we can’t hear
5. The punch line, “Hubble? Heck no! I think I HUMMED-ble!”
29 August 2007
24 August 2007
A Summary of an Unwritten Story
A celebrity party cruise goes down in the Pacific. Two survivors make it to a nearby island: comedian Bob Zany and German badminton champion Hans Goefflingmeyer. This situation becomes a classic good news-bad news scenario for Zany. Although Hans is a lifelong bully, he labors diligently, albeit silently, as the two survivors build homes, haul water, and hunt for food. Then Hans begins work on what looks to be a large platform with a primitive bench in front of it. Zany helps out, though he is unclear why such a platform is needed.
Once the platform is built, Hans proceeds to go insane for exactly one hour a day—always at nightfall. He begins speaking, but only to insist that Zany get on stage and perform a faux Tonight Show 5 nights a week while Hans watches from the bench. As Hans is a world-class athlete, Zany has little choice but to comply. The badminton champ is a good audience, laughing uproariously at Zany’s material. But insanity has not affected his memory or his passion for entertainment, and thus Zany is beaten senseless whenever he repeats a joke or states aloud that he isn’t really interviewing, say, Ally Sheedy.
Although it becomes clear that the 2 castaways will never be rescued, we learn much about the human condition by observing their behavior. It is unlikely that readers will ever laugh the same way again.
Once the platform is built, Hans proceeds to go insane for exactly one hour a day—always at nightfall. He begins speaking, but only to insist that Zany get on stage and perform a faux Tonight Show 5 nights a week while Hans watches from the bench. As Hans is a world-class athlete, Zany has little choice but to comply. The badminton champ is a good audience, laughing uproariously at Zany’s material. But insanity has not affected his memory or his passion for entertainment, and thus Zany is beaten senseless whenever he repeats a joke or states aloud that he isn’t really interviewing, say, Ally Sheedy.
Although it becomes clear that the 2 castaways will never be rescued, we learn much about the human condition by observing their behavior. It is unlikely that readers will ever laugh the same way again.
21 August 2007
Top Ten explanations for General Fester’s absence
2. Was caught doing the War Eagle chant in downtown Tuscaloosa and subsequently given the “Dueling Banjo” treatment by the locals
3. Hospitalized after ordering a GLBT by mistake at the Broken Spoke Saloon
4. Attending a symposium on the late 1950’s trombone movement known as the “Brass Ass”
5. In crisis emotional health care after realizing that Millard Fillmore was not chosen “Man of the Year” at any time during his term.
6. Interviewing a mime
7. Just couldn’t give up on the Harry Potter movement; was seen stalking Aunt Petunia.
8. Trapped by Yeat’s Beast yet again; forced to perform untoward acts of perversion involving Underwood’s deviled ham, Duncan Hines cake mix and a crazed yak named Patty.
9. Judging an internet fight between the UCLA Bruins and the USC Trojans about who is more ghey. (Unable to decide…)
10. Driving to South Dakota, viewing the blog, driving back so that SD was represented equally with equatorial Africa
16 August 2007
Football Season Is Upon Us
Football season is starting, and that means over the next 5 months you can expect the following:
· During a sideline interview at halftime, the coach of the team that’s ahead will be more or less pleased about how the game is progressing, but will caution that “there’s a long way to go.”
· After a play that worked in the first half doesn’t work in the second, a color commentator will inform the viewing audience that the offensive coordinator “went to the well once too often.”
· A fat guy in a sports bar, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, will yell over his plate of onion ring carcasses that it’s time for his team to “dig deep” and you’ll wonder how deep Tubby has to dig to make it up a flight of stairs.
· Three weeks into the NFL season, some team will still be undefeated and pre-game shows will begin parading out the ’72 Dolphins.
· Six weeks into the season, you’ll grab the remote and announce to everyone in the room that you “can’t watch that damn Peyton Manning commercial again.”
· Troy Aikman will babble on about how it’s the slot receiver’s job to get open in the flat and Ijust don’tknow howaguycanpossiblyrunaroutethatbad, etc. and you’ll suddenly realize he hasn’t inhaled in over 4 minutes.
· A play-by-play announcer will yell that a punt returner has “one man to beat!” seconds before 3 guys tackle him.
· Your TV Guide will list “SEC Football” and for the third or fourth time since the beginning of the season you’ll become excited at the possibilities of who might be playing: Florida-Tennessee? Georgia-LSU? Auburn-Arkansas? Then you’ll once more deflate when you see that it’s Vanderbilt and Kentucky, two teams you’ll swear have played each other at least twice already.
· A radio sports talk host will term a caller an imbecile for expressing a theory about the local team.
· The same radio sports talk host will fawn all over some assistant coach who expresses a theory identical to that of the aforementioned imbecile.
· Chris Berman will say, “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills” with such conviction that, for a while, you’ll think it actually means something.
· A player on a team with only a remote chance for the playoffs will state that his team must henceforth play “one game at a time” and then “see what happens.”
· You will look at the commentators’ “Keys to the game” and think, “Score a lot of points and limit their scoring. Got it.”
· The twelfth time you hear someone say that the BCS is one letter too many, you’ll stop even pretending to laugh.
· After the Super Bowl, you know you’re going to miss football over the next 7 months, but not desperately enough to actually watch the Pro Bowl.
· During a sideline interview at halftime, the coach of the team that’s ahead will be more or less pleased about how the game is progressing, but will caution that “there’s a long way to go.”
· After a play that worked in the first half doesn’t work in the second, a color commentator will inform the viewing audience that the offensive coordinator “went to the well once too often.”
· A fat guy in a sports bar, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, will yell over his plate of onion ring carcasses that it’s time for his team to “dig deep” and you’ll wonder how deep Tubby has to dig to make it up a flight of stairs.
· Three weeks into the NFL season, some team will still be undefeated and pre-game shows will begin parading out the ’72 Dolphins.
· Six weeks into the season, you’ll grab the remote and announce to everyone in the room that you “can’t watch that damn Peyton Manning commercial again.”
· Troy Aikman will babble on about how it’s the slot receiver’s job to get open in the flat and Ijust don’tknow howaguycanpossiblyrunaroutethatbad, etc. and you’ll suddenly realize he hasn’t inhaled in over 4 minutes.
· A play-by-play announcer will yell that a punt returner has “one man to beat!” seconds before 3 guys tackle him.
· Your TV Guide will list “SEC Football” and for the third or fourth time since the beginning of the season you’ll become excited at the possibilities of who might be playing: Florida-Tennessee? Georgia-LSU? Auburn-Arkansas? Then you’ll once more deflate when you see that it’s Vanderbilt and Kentucky, two teams you’ll swear have played each other at least twice already.
· A radio sports talk host will term a caller an imbecile for expressing a theory about the local team.
· The same radio sports talk host will fawn all over some assistant coach who expresses a theory identical to that of the aforementioned imbecile.
· Chris Berman will say, “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills” with such conviction that, for a while, you’ll think it actually means something.
· A player on a team with only a remote chance for the playoffs will state that his team must henceforth play “one game at a time” and then “see what happens.”
· You will look at the commentators’ “Keys to the game” and think, “Score a lot of points and limit their scoring. Got it.”
· The twelfth time you hear someone say that the BCS is one letter too many, you’ll stop even pretending to laugh.
· After the Super Bowl, you know you’re going to miss football over the next 7 months, but not desperately enough to actually watch the Pro Bowl.
06 August 2007
Inappropriate Comments Set To ‘70’s Music
Some stupid with a flare gun, burned the place to the ground…
"Sir, I assure you that my intentions with your daughter are quite honorable. But, uh, man-to-man, we all get urges, you know what I’m sayin’?"
It’s so hard to keep this mouth on my face…
"Hey Joe, I hear you’re gay. Do me a favor and tell me how I should get my hair cut."
Big ol’ jet airline-uh. Don’t carry me too far away…
"Does it make your butt look big? Not at all dear, assuming you are at this moment smuggling 2 beanbag chairs in a quarter-acre of bubble wrap."
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me…for me…FOR MEEEEEEEE!
"If everyone is finished with the agenda items, I have some new business. Boss, that giant turd you crapped out in the second floor bathroom still hasn’t flushed down. Don’t you think you should try a plunger?"
Whose wine? What wine? Where the hell did I dine?
"It’s an honor to meet you, your holiness. Quick—pull my finger!"
Slow ride….take it ea-sy…
"Laskowski? What is that, Polish? Hey—do I have a joke for you!"
Jeremiah was a bullfrog! Was a good friend of mine…
"Why do I want this job? Hey, got to stay one step ahead of those bullsh** molestation charges!"
And she’s buying a stairway. To heaven.
"Sir, I assure you that my intentions with your daughter are quite honorable. But, uh, man-to-man, we all get urges, you know what I’m sayin’?"
It’s so hard to keep this mouth on my face…
"Hey Joe, I hear you’re gay. Do me a favor and tell me how I should get my hair cut."
Big ol’ jet airline-uh. Don’t carry me too far away…
"Does it make your butt look big? Not at all dear, assuming you are at this moment smuggling 2 beanbag chairs in a quarter-acre of bubble wrap."
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me…for me…FOR MEEEEEEEE!
"If everyone is finished with the agenda items, I have some new business. Boss, that giant turd you crapped out in the second floor bathroom still hasn’t flushed down. Don’t you think you should try a plunger?"
Whose wine? What wine? Where the hell did I dine?
"It’s an honor to meet you, your holiness. Quick—pull my finger!"
Slow ride….take it ea-sy…
"Laskowski? What is that, Polish? Hey—do I have a joke for you!"
Jeremiah was a bullfrog! Was a good friend of mine…
"Why do I want this job? Hey, got to stay one step ahead of those bullsh** molestation charges!"
And she’s buying a stairway. To heaven.
02 August 2007
Babysitting Blues
I can’t get any f****** babysitting jobs!
My plan for the summer was pick up some extra f****** cash babysitting, but I haven’t made sh** and the summer is half-f****** over! Why can’t I get f****** work? I have friends who babysit and they’re dipsh**s! Why won’t any f***nut parents hire me? And don’t give me that bullsh** about babysitting being for chicks. I know plenty of guys who do it (most of whom are a**holes with earrings and tattoos, of which I have neither!).
It’s not like I haven’t gotten jobs before. Fact is, I’m a d*** good worker. I worked construction one summer and that’s hard-a** labor! The summer before that, I was employee of the f****** month at the car wash! And when I’m not working summer jobs, I’m a straight A f****** student in college! But does any of that impress people? H*** no!
Example: A single dad needs a sitter and he f****** asks me, “Do you have a girlfriend?” wondering, I guess, whether I’ll spend the night sucking some b****’s face rather than watching his f***a** kids. I told him, “F*** yeah, I got me a piece of a**, but when I’m on the f****** clock, her a** won’t be anywhere near this place, you can bet your wife’s left t** on that, may she rest in peace.” But rather than acting reassured, he stops the conversation, like I’m lying or somef******thing. Sh**!
Then there’s the lady who asked me if I’m a partier. I tell her the truth: “I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t even like that f****** sh** that passes for rock ‘n’ roll these days.” Then I joked, “’Course, I might buttf*** your cat if I get to feeling frisky!”
Apparently, the b**** didn’t get it because I didn’t hear from her again.
Anyway, I can tell you one f****** thing: Next year I’m going back to the car wash or f****** construction site. This babysitting bullsh** turned out to be a f****** waste of what should have been a kick-a** summer!
My plan for the summer was pick up some extra f****** cash babysitting, but I haven’t made sh** and the summer is half-f****** over! Why can’t I get f****** work? I have friends who babysit and they’re dipsh**s! Why won’t any f***nut parents hire me? And don’t give me that bullsh** about babysitting being for chicks. I know plenty of guys who do it (most of whom are a**holes with earrings and tattoos, of which I have neither!).
It’s not like I haven’t gotten jobs before. Fact is, I’m a d*** good worker. I worked construction one summer and that’s hard-a** labor! The summer before that, I was employee of the f****** month at the car wash! And when I’m not working summer jobs, I’m a straight A f****** student in college! But does any of that impress people? H*** no!
Example: A single dad needs a sitter and he f****** asks me, “Do you have a girlfriend?” wondering, I guess, whether I’ll spend the night sucking some b****’s face rather than watching his f***a** kids. I told him, “F*** yeah, I got me a piece of a**, but when I’m on the f****** clock, her a** won’t be anywhere near this place, you can bet your wife’s left t** on that, may she rest in peace.” But rather than acting reassured, he stops the conversation, like I’m lying or somef******thing. Sh**!
Then there’s the lady who asked me if I’m a partier. I tell her the truth: “I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t even like that f****** sh** that passes for rock ‘n’ roll these days.” Then I joked, “’Course, I might buttf*** your cat if I get to feeling frisky!”
Apparently, the b**** didn’t get it because I didn’t hear from her again.
Anyway, I can tell you one f****** thing: Next year I’m going back to the car wash or f****** construction site. This babysitting bullsh** turned out to be a f****** waste of what should have been a kick-a** summer!
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