Leap Day Thoughts

As February 29 only comes around every whatever it is (14 or 15 years?), it marks a perfect time to take a break from the mundane and contemplate life’s larger questions. As a public service, I will provide some concepts for our readers to wrap their minds around on this Leap Day 2008. Happy thinking.

How can the universe keep expanding? What’s out there beyond it? And if it’s nothing (not even space), what would that look like?

How can pi be infinite and the universe not?

If there are parallel universes, is there a me out there who didn’t tell Erika Elaniak to take a hike?

Can people really make deals with the devil? And if not, how do you explain David Lee Roth?

If diarrhea dehydrates you, would holding it in keep you moist?

Are there bowl games in heaven? If not, how do they waste away New Year’s Day?

When guys tell stories that involve taking a leak, why do they invariably hold their right hands like they’re gripping a can of Fosters?

Why didn’t they make crap a cuss word? It’s got 4 letters, it refers to a bodily function not discussed in polite company, and it sounds vulgar—in short, all the usual prerequisites for profanity. And yet, it never achieved such status.

Were down actually the dreams of black spotted puppies, would geese be any less mobile in the rain?

Why does armpit hair stop growing after it reaches a certain length?

What would happen if Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne were hunting each other down?

And finally,

If the backhoe contingency were followed to the letter, would basic delays of gamesmanship result in an infiltration of the obtuse combination of regulations known as flaggledrop?

Words that almost rhyme with douche-bag

The top 15, as of 3:36 CDT, February 27, 2008

15. GeorgeHWGeorgeWJebandtherest-Bush
14. Mecha-Streisand
13. Estrada-able
12. Antelope pecker-puss
11. Bric-a-Brac
10. Loebid-ness
09. F*****g-Liberace
08. Slide-salve
07. Yeat's-Beast
06. Hussein-Orgasm
05. Bill-ary
04. Kaline-splenectomy
03. Mortgage-banker
02. Diffenbach-Texas
01. Boomer-Backer

Duke’s Mailbag

Hey, I get mail too!

Dear Duke of Coagulation: Based on your recognition of both poetry and prose, I have to say that you’re clearly a literary sort of guy. My question is this: Why do SBDs stink so much? Especially the ones that burn. Mookie Saluki

Dear MooSal: What—they don’t have a literature department there at SIU? Let them handle your question.

Dear Duke: You clearly know a lot of celebrities (e.g., Al Kaline, Ted Nugent, General Fester). Have you ever met Diffenbach? Old Doc Potter

Dear Sherm: Have I ever met Diffenbach? Does Millard Fillmore kick ass?

Dear Duke: Are these letters real or composed by you? Milt Laerton

Dear ML Junior or Senior (whichever one you are): Most are real. Yours, however, is one I made up.

Dear Duke: How about mine? Niel Loebig

Dear DUQB: Seems real to me.

Dear Duke: What kind of an idiot would waste his or her time reading your asinine blog? Man’s Man in Boise

Dear Ma’ma’s Boi: The classification schema for idiocy is based on a number of parameters—intelligence, impulsiveness, and childishness, to name but a few. Those who frequent this site tend to be characterized by traits clustering within the alpha subclass of the factor butthead. Also guys who like to say “Ooga!” in high voice.

In Honor of President's Day

A little known list of some 'dirty little secrets', in honor of the day.....

1. George Washington, 1789-1797 – frequent snatch grabber
2. John Adams, 1797-1801 – had boils on his left testicle
3. Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809 – ‘spoke’ to the spirits of dead spleens
4. James Madison, 1809-1817 – dressed up like Dolly’s sister and played nurse
5. James Monroe, 1817-1825 – little known ‘doctrine of flatulence’
6. John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829 – friends called him JQ polyp popper
7. Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837 – known for his shadow puppet likeness of a dead wolverine
8. Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841 – discouraged when his pet rock urinated on his new shoes
9. William Henry Harrison, 1841 – smoked the wildwood weed with Dick Johnson
10. John Tyler, 1841-1845 – first foot fetish POTUS….
11. James Knox Polk, 1845-1849 – average guy in the list, but his **** tasted like ****
12. Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850 – spent hours pondering the asterisk
13. Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853 – GREATEST PRESIDENT NEVER ELECTED
14. Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857 – world class dingleberry collection
15. James Buchanan, 1857-1861 – kept saying ‘turd burglar’ during inaugural address
16. Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 – greatest Trombonist to ever sleep with Mary Todd
17. Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869 – spoke profanity in strict Elizabethan method
18. Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877 – had a doll collection all named “Jeffie Boy”
19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881 – breast fed until he was 42
20. James Abram Garfield, 1881 – first woman president
21. Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885 – invented the ‘festering puss’ sarsaparilla
22. Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889 – irritated parents by filing name change to “Kalamazoo”
23. Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893 – spanked pet gerbils before feedings
24. Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897 – sang in the tub, fully clothed
25. William McKinley, 1897-1901 – the original ‘heartbreak of psoriasis’
26. Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909 – ‘bully’ meant ‘fu**stick’
27. William Howard Taft, 1909-1913 – consumed his first VP candidate (and a side of gravy)
28. Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921 – until 1993, most practiced POTUS in the Kama Sutra
29. Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923 – collected toenails of former First Ladies
30. Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929 – bladder control issues highlighted his term
31. Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933 – bowel control issues highlighted his term
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945 – first POTUS to say ‘obnoxion’ in a speech
33. Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953 – kept opening the icebox after hearing the fruit ‘talk’
34. Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961 – first POTUS to bang Marilyn
35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963 – second POTUS to bang Marilyn
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969 – last POTUS to bang Marilyn (sick, I know)
37. Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974 – gambled away life savings on aardvark fights
38. Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977 – incredibly graceful, often did the samba naked
39. James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981 – largest porn collection of POTUS (until 1993)
40. Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989 – Originally named each of his children “Bonzo”
41. George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993 – liked to trick or treat dressed as M. Fillmore
42. William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001 – first non-inhaling virgin POTUS
43. George Walker Bush, 2001- thinks Iraq is just outside Coral Gables

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference 10 minutes makes!

Top 5, February 15, 2008, 11:29 a.m.:

1. Spleenie squeezin’s from Motown
2. Notes heard within the confines of a Nehru jacket
3. Blasted pork home facades designed to fool sarcastic South Dakotans
4. Gargoyles that resemble fish-hook nipples
5. Yelling “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!” solely to confuse whaling pundits

Top 5, February 15, 2008, 11:19 a.m.:

1. The night that foam battered Karch Kiraly’s spork
2. The personification of gas as a .300 hitter
3. Cantilevered industrial tangelos
4. Blowhole wheeze with harmonica accompaniment
5. Frankly giving 2 sh*ts

10 Valentine’s Day Presents That Might Surprise Your Mate

1. Pork

2. Snow tires

3. A dramatic interpretation of crotch rot

4. A wiener puppet portraying the head and torso of surgical pioneer Johann Diffenbach

5. The Ironic Smegma Boxed Set

6. A titty-twister

7. A “19-0 = History” sweatshirt

8. Millard Fillmore’s decaying corpse

9. A life sized cast of your proudest turd

10. Diamond spleenlets

Potential Names for English Football Teams

1. Silly Nannies
2. Meat pie and a pint, mate.
3. The Dentists
4. Revolutionaries
5. Sheep Bangers
6. Freudian Slips
7. Chartered Accountancy R Us
8. Potter Party
9. Churchill's Busteirs
10. Sniveling Piles of Pretentious Poo

An Editorial Writer with a Short Attention Span

Presidential candidates, and this runs across party lines, are making a big mistake by leaving Syria out of their Middle East discussions. Let’s face it—say, isn’t there a Syria in Illinois? Or is it—what am I thinking of? Maybe Northwestern—boy, was their football team bad this year or what? They’re the Eddie Money of college football. Baby hold on to me; give me a break. What does that even mean? Hey Eddie—hold this!

Most Eddies, I’ve noticed, are named Edward; damned few are Edwin. On the other hand, Edwin Pope writes for the Miami Herald, the paper that had Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry on staff at the same time—wonder what that was like. I also wonder about balloons. If a kid let go of me and I drifted up to the clouds, that would be scary as hell. Still, “cumulonimbus” is kind of a cool word. Not as cool as “uvula”, but pretty cool nonetheless.

Cartoonists always draw the uvula when a character has his or her mouth open wide. It’s become habit now to write “his or her” where before I always had to make an effort to remember. Some people call it PC, but most of them don’t even know what PC means. In that respect, it’s sort of like “internist.” It’s tempting to assume those guys are still learning. But when you assume…you know the rest.

I first saw that when-you-assume thing on The Odd Couple. I once met a set of twins that were sort of like Oscar and Felix, except they were females. Twins do some peculiar things. I wonder if all that telepathy stuff is real. I know there sure are some weird stories about separated twins who know more about what the other one is doing than would seem possible.

Something that’s impossible at my local Burger King is actually getting the order right. I order the same thing every time and not only is my meal always different, the price is too. I never cared for The Price is Right. Too many weirdos. Sort of like Devo. What was the deal with those hats?

Dr. Seuss based “The Cat in the Hat” on a list of recommended words for children to learn. Recommendations can be touchy business. If you think someone needs a psychologist, how do you tell them? In that sense, it’s a bit like halitosis.

Women seem to remember the bad breath thing more than men do. When they eat fish or onions, they cover their mouths when talking. I know only one male who does that and he’s not from America. He’s been here most of his life, but grew up somewhere in the Middle East. It might have been Syria. Coincidentally, I was just thinking about that particular nation. To my way of thinking, presidential candidates, and this runs across party lines, are making a big mistake by leaving Syria out of their Middle East discussions.

But that’s a topic better left for another day.