SUPER BOWL 2014: PREDICTIONS

1. Dan Dierdorf's lisp will become self aware

2. The kickoff will be precisely at 4:20

3. Peyton Manning's forehead will be interviewed by a posthumous Tom Mees forehead.

4. Jim Brown threatens to return to the game to preserve any record broken by "those niggas hoes        who dissed my mama, yo"

5. The entire Seahawks team is discovered to use a little know, first to be found, Performance enhancing drug: Al Kaline's Spleen Juice. Rather than a forfeit, they are forced to watch Pete Carroll take a dump on Howie Long's yard.

6. ESPN will promote the SEC as being better than the NFL - just look at the damn competition!

7. Nick Saban will make a guest appearance. Promptly screams at Terry Bradshaw for "NOT WANTING IT ENOUGH GAWD DAMMIT!"

8. Al Michaels will shout DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, YES! over and over. Madonna's boyfriend responds with a sad, knowing nod.

9. Michael Jackson suddenly appears to the do the halftime show and quickly dissipates when he realizes it isn't the Little League World Series and Catholic priest hummer rally.

10. A variety of half thought out and mildly clever commercials appear. Erik Estrada tells his gathering that he 'turned down roles in each of them' because they didn't invite Jon or his astrologer onto the set.

How to be an Internet Asshole

Step 1. Get drunk.

Step 2. Post something stupid. And don't pretend you don't know how. You've seen the posts. "Obama got into Harvard on a Muslim scholarship. It's been verified!" or "Christie can't relate to me cause all the fat **** does is suck on his diabetic sores! I hope he dies!" If you're still stuck, use this formula: Choose a country, state, town, team, civic organization, church, or random building and announce that we should "burn the f***** place to the ground!"

Step 3. Take the resulting flak. When anonymous Internet responses begin with "Suck cocks in hell you f**** asshole" you know you've done steps 1 & 2 correctly.

Step 4. Sober up. Realize you crossed the line. Time to rally!

Step 5. Post that you never really believed what you said in step 2. Rather, you were just trying to get people talking about such an important matter.

Step 6. Sit back and watch as the ever-present flak gets balanced with some sympathy and even support. Someone will comment on the "guts" it took to post something so "provocative." This will momentarily confuse you until you realize it is simply a reference to your stupid post by somebody even stupider.

Step 7. After reading everything that everyone said about you, state that you don't really care what anyone says about you.

Step 8. Repeat step 7. Often. Make certain that everyone knows that you don't care what anyone thinks. 

Step 9. Go back to step 1. Repeat sequence with a new stupid opinion.


One final note: This same basic sequence works for sportswriters who give away their Baseball Hall of Fame vote.

Top 10 Death Bed Confessions of all time (bengali style)

With no adieu whatsoever...


10. Sigmund Freud, minutes before he died, claiming that he hit the dirt hole of Greta Garbo

 9.  John Belushi claiming to have won the 1974 Flaggledrop MVP of Glastonbury

 8.  Phil Silvers was said to have suggested that "Hecuba left those poor poor people"

 7.  Al Kaline reportedly secretly stashed all of his remaining spleen juice in a Captian Kangaroo cup stored
      in the refrigerator of a soon to be born A. Rodriguez. (and as a result, did NOT DIE!)

 6. Salvador Dali reportedly crapped on canvas and it sold for $27,000,000 in 2011.

 5. John Denver reportedly said, "Good Luck, Mr Gorsky"

 4. Marching ant #203,402,789,612 claiming to be #309,677,336,101

 3. The "Gipper" confessing to being Jewish and being an Oklahoma fan.

 2. Yul Brynner admitting to shaving his head with Anne Baxter's sandpaper like snatch

  1. Millard Fillmore claimed to have killed a time traveling Erik Estrada