More Musings about Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll

While not denying their accomplishments, “Beatles” was a really stupid name for a band.

Ted Nugent was born to play guitar. And, it’s now clear, that’s all.

Chuck Berry only seems to sing George Thorogood songs.

In retrospect, Duran Duran still sucks.

Unlike Stealer’s Wheel, I’ve never experienced difficulty keeping this mouth on my face.

Musings About Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll

Too many life-is-so-hard-on-the-road songs. Just play your rock ‘n’ roll, spend your millions, and quit whining.

Lynyrd Skynyrd wins the award for band that looks the most like their own fans.

Why did Bread’s collective girlfriend keep leaving her diary underneath a tree?

And why did Steve Miller get on the big ol’ jet airliner if he 1) didn’t want to go too far away and 2) didn’t know where it was taking him?

Finally, the biggest question of all: I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so, satisfied, I’m on my way...WTF?!

Speaking of Golf...

If you're ever close to the green and can't remember which clubs to take out of the bag, we at LT have composed a song to help you remember (to the tune of Sinatra's whatever-the-hell-that-song-is-called):

Wedge and putter,
Wedge and putter,
Go together like
Bread and butter...

(Actually, that's all we've written so far.)

Best Trumpet Solos Heard in New Orleans This Month

1. duh duh duh duh DUNH-NUNH!

2. ban a na na na na na na na…BWONK!

3. bwee bwee bweeeeee bweep

4. wonk wonk Bwap wonk wonk (repeat)

5. do do do doooo THWOMP!

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference cell topography makes!

Top 5, June 1, 2009:

1. The spleen beat of the Kaline tympani
2. Poetic references to Turkish sausage production
3. Pillsbury roadkill at a Ghanaian wake
4. Data that do what they should (yes, I said do!)
5. My name is Mephistopheles but you can call me “Sugar Tits”

Top 5 prior to Jennifer Biel’s last BM:

1. Stegosaurus dreams and the resulting mixed fruit pies
2. Black market vinyl atop motorcade tribute bands
3. Crotch grabbing rubberneckers in the heat of fluoridation
4. Pamplona “Eat me’s” during playoff years
5. Whatever it is that keeps sliding into Rafa Nadal’s butt crack before he serves

Chicago City Streets/Bad Lyrics

Dearborn/Guilty feet have got no rhythm

Michigan/If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar

State/I had a dream, I had an awesome dream

Balbo/If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?

Rush/What you say about his company is what you say about society

The Mag Mile/Told my girl I’d have to forget her; rather buy me a new carburetor

Ohio/And then he went and he ate up all of my corn

Tromboning: Myths vs. Facts

Myth: The mainstream tromboning media have a bias against rust belt players.

Fact: Within the past 2 years, sections from the Cleveland and Toledo symphonies, as well as that of the Gary Pops, have been featured favorably in both Trombone Monthly and Sliding with Sly. Moreover, the first and third chairs from, respectively, Miami and Fresno, have been blasted by the same major publications during this time period.

Myth: The mouthpiece makes the player.

Fact: A nice piece is great, but without decent lip action, you might as well blow a woodwind.

Myth: Pulling the pipe results in greater bell size.

Fact: It may seem that way at the time, but overall mass doesn’t change.

Myth: The Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s one-liners about “slide extension” are the filthiest trombone jokes known to man.

Fact: Only for those with short memories. Back in the day, members of the London Philharmonic told tromboner jokes that were more vulgar than a cellist in heat.

And finally…

Myth: Simply owning a Bach large bore makes one more arrogant.

Fact: 2 words—Niel Loebig.

An Interview with Ted Nugent

In something of a surprise development, the Motor City Madman agreed to a sit down with one of our interviewers. What follows is a transcript of that meeting.

Lincoln’s Trombone: Ted, you’ve been made fun of several times on this blog. In fact, we’ve often portrayed you as a complete idiot. So I have to ask: Why did you agree to this interview?

Ted Nugent: F**kin’ A, man. Hey-ya, bee-ouch! Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya!!

LT: As a child, the story goes, you were something of a classical guitar prodigy. Any truth to that?

TN: That’s some sh*t, mutha-F! Hilary sucks! Wango tango! YEAHHHHH!!!!

LT: Why did you switch to rock and roll?

TN: I knew…Oh, I knew…I knew, mutha f**ker…that I had to have me some dat pus-say! Yeah, ya ya ya ya ya ya ya, bitch!

LT: In your ‘70s hey day, you packed stadiums coast to coast. Those must have been some heady times.

TN: Obama sucks too! Whah-HAH!!!! Oh baby! Oh baby! I like me them guns!

LT: You appeared in an episode of ‘That ‘70’s Show.’ What was that experience like?

TN: It was like WAH! Like WAHH!! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

LT: Tell us how the fascination with hunting began.

TN: Bill Maher never call no more, that mutha f**—I ever see that pussy, I’ll kick, I say I’ll KICK…oh yeah, I’ll kick…I’ll kick his ever lovin’ ass! I will I will I will I will I will. I will, mutha!

LT: Some entertainers shy away from expressing their political views for fear it distracts people from their art. Do you ever think about that?

TN: I worry about what ain’t sh*t, ya dig? Aw-right, aw-right aw-right aw-right! YEAH-HAHHHH!!

LT: So what are you doing these days?

TN: [7 minutes of unintelligible screaming]

LT: Well Ted, thank you for your time.

TN: [3 more minutes of screaming] …and f**k you!