Downton Abbey Recaps the Sochi Winter Olympics

Adieu is quite in order for the rich and poor of Downton Abbey as they summarize the goings on in that 'dreadful' country with the bald old chap in charge...

Cora: I was so enthralled by the Ice Dancing and the bulging manhood of the dancers! I don't know if they enjoy the company of women, sadly. I can't get Robert to clean my ice anymore.

Thomas: Wow, my Lady, are you reading my mind? My formal servant attire was getting tight in the midsection if you know what I mean. The throbbing vibration of the ice brings juice to the loins! Being gay in Sochi is very similar to the 1920's in England!

Bates: Fuck the Olympics and anyone who isn't first. Keep you damn smegma stained hands off my wife - I know where to find sharpened luge blades, pal. Oh, and my limp was from a triple salchow accident.

Robert: Bates has taken on such an aggressive attitude of late hasn't he? I suspect VBF in the homeplace, which is why Cora goes without my 'attention', if you please. The brits made quite a show, good chaps, though I do not understand why women and servants compete. This should be for gentleman only, by God!

Sybil and Matthew: Yeah, we are dead. But we are banging each other daily and laughing at your tears. Olympics? You should see Matthew and I in the two person bedroom luge! FUCK!

Branson: I am torn between who I was and who I am and who I am meant to be and have annoyed everyone throughout.

Dowager Countess: Branson, you pitiful fool. You are dreadful regardless. And I find myself ashamed at this family. Watching Shaun White suck ass publicly was righteous! Word!

Edith and Rose: We love us some 'N' word booty!

Lincoln's Trombone Presents Honest Answers to Your Sports Questions

What'd you think of the Super Bowl?

Meh.

Was Peyton Manning's legacy diminished?

He threw some bad passes. It's not like the guy plagiarized a cure for rectal discharge. Who gives a shit about some musclehead's legacy?

What are your thoughts on the Wells Report?

Turns out that, deep down, guys who bang their heads into each other for a living are assholes. Shocker.

We all know this year's Winter Olympics are in Sochi. Where will the next ones be held?

I'm sure it'll be some other snowy shithole you never heard of.

Can Nadal top Federer's grand slam record with Djokovic in his way?

I wonder about that myself.

Which major league baseball team will surprise everyone this season a la '12 Giants or '13 Pirates?

Who the hell knows?

Is Florida State a shoo-in for the next college football national championship?

History says it’s far more likely they'll go back to beating up cupcakes in September, lose to NC State, then limp into some bowl named after a product you would never buy.

Who got the best recruiting class this year?

You’re asking which group of current 17-year olds will eventually be the best 22-year old players? Seriously?

March Madness: Most exciting way to pick a champion?

If by "most exciting" you mean "least valid," then yes.

What about that Marcus Smart spitting thing?

The fan is clearly a grade A number one fuckstick. On the other hand, Smart plays for a school best known for causing sheep bung to bleed for all the wrong reasons. Tough call.

Do you think Michael Sam's announcement will hurt his draft status?

It shouldn't. Any good GM will be more concerned with how well he inflicts brain damage on opponents than on where he sticks his cock after practice.

The Browns need a QB. Think they'll draft Manziel?

Who the fuck cares?

Is Miami-OKC the next great NBA rivalry?

You think Lincoln's Trombone can predict injuries, player attrition, coaching changes, draft successes, trades, how well new players mesh, blind luck, and 100 or so other variables? You're an idiot.

How about that All-Star game?

Every bit as good as the Pro Bowl. And by 'good' I mean unwatchable.

Who's your bet for this year's Stanley Cup?

Oh shit. Is it time for that again?

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition


5. Watching Michael Sam 'do' the half-pipe to Scott Hamilton

4. The hotel water as a kicker for Germany's Shizer Team

3. Vladimir Putin's celebratory Gold Medal Rim-Job

2. Selfies by Miley Cyrus and the Jamaican Bobsled team, au natural

1. Mary Carillo licking Bob Costas' eyeballs

Guide to the Winter Olympics

We all love the Olympics with its wide variety of games. But how well do we really understand sports we watch once every 4 years? For those having trouble, we present a list of Olympic sports & their objectives.

Bobsled--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Luge--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Skeleton--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Snowboarding--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Skiing--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Ski jumping--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible, then fly
Speed skating--get across an icy surface as quickly as possible
Short track speed skating--get around tiny icy circles as quickly as possible
Figure skating--smile pretty for the judges
Curling--like Jarts except you don't end up putting a hole in little brother's hand
Biathlon--nobody knows

Best and Worst Super Bowl Commercials of 2014

Best, in no particular order:

· That Bud Light one that made some of the people at my Super Bowl party laugh.
· Millard Fillmore singing with Ironic Smegma was genius.
· Nancy Reagan farting the FOX NFL jingle was mildly amusing.

I don’t actually remember any of the others. Oh wait—the last one I saw that was actually funny had Letterman, Leno, & Oprah on a couch. Can’t remember exactly when it played though.

Worst:

· That Bud Light one, ‘cause it made only the stupid people at my Super Bowl party laugh.
· The Queen of England deep throating Richard Sherman crossed the line, in the humble opinion of this writer.
· The ones where the ad execs were trying so hard to be clever that they not only failed in that endeavor, but no one even remembers the product (at last count, there were 188 of these).

SUPER BOWL 2014: PREDICTIONS

1. Dan Dierdorf's lisp will become self aware

2. The kickoff will be precisely at 4:20

3. Peyton Manning's forehead will be interviewed by a posthumous Tom Mees forehead.

4. Jim Brown threatens to return to the game to preserve any record broken by "those niggas hoes        who dissed my mama, yo"

5. The entire Seahawks team is discovered to use a little know, first to be found, Performance enhancing drug: Al Kaline's Spleen Juice. Rather than a forfeit, they are forced to watch Pete Carroll take a dump on Howie Long's yard.

6. ESPN will promote the SEC as being better than the NFL - just look at the damn competition!

7. Nick Saban will make a guest appearance. Promptly screams at Terry Bradshaw for "NOT WANTING IT ENOUGH GAWD DAMMIT!"

8. Al Michaels will shout DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, YES! over and over. Madonna's boyfriend responds with a sad, knowing nod.

9. Michael Jackson suddenly appears to the do the halftime show and quickly dissipates when he realizes it isn't the Little League World Series and Catholic priest hummer rally.

10. A variety of half thought out and mildly clever commercials appear. Erik Estrada tells his gathering that he 'turned down roles in each of them' because they didn't invite Jon or his astrologer onto the set.

How to be an Internet Asshole

Step 1. Get drunk.

Step 2. Post something stupid. And don't pretend you don't know how. You've seen the posts. "Obama got into Harvard on a Muslim scholarship. It's been verified!" or "Christie can't relate to me cause all the fat **** does is suck on his diabetic sores! I hope he dies!" If you're still stuck, use this formula: Choose a country, state, town, team, civic organization, church, or random building and announce that we should "burn the f***** place to the ground!"

Step 3. Take the resulting flak. When anonymous Internet responses begin with "Suck cocks in hell you f**** asshole" you know you've done steps 1 & 2 correctly.

Step 4. Sober up. Realize you crossed the line. Time to rally!

Step 5. Post that you never really believed what you said in step 2. Rather, you were just trying to get people talking about such an important matter.

Step 6. Sit back and watch as the ever-present flak gets balanced with some sympathy and even support. Someone will comment on the "guts" it took to post something so "provocative." This will momentarily confuse you until you realize it is simply a reference to your stupid post by somebody even stupider.

Step 7. After reading everything that everyone said about you, state that you don't really care what anyone says about you.

Step 8. Repeat step 7. Often. Make certain that everyone knows that you don't care what anyone thinks. 

Step 9. Go back to step 1. Repeat sequence with a new stupid opinion.


One final note: This same basic sequence works for sportswriters who give away their Baseball Hall of Fame vote.

Top 10 Death Bed Confessions of all time (bengali style)

With no adieu whatsoever...


10. Sigmund Freud, minutes before he died, claiming that he hit the dirt hole of Greta Garbo

 9.  John Belushi claiming to have won the 1974 Flaggledrop MVP of Glastonbury

 8.  Phil Silvers was said to have suggested that "Hecuba left those poor poor people"

 7.  Al Kaline reportedly secretly stashed all of his remaining spleen juice in a Captian Kangaroo cup stored
      in the refrigerator of a soon to be born A. Rodriguez. (and as a result, did NOT DIE!)

 6. Salvador Dali reportedly crapped on canvas and it sold for $27,000,000 in 2011.

 5. John Denver reportedly said, "Good Luck, Mr Gorsky"

 4. Marching ant #203,402,789,612 claiming to be #309,677,336,101

 3. The "Gipper" confessing to being Jewish and being an Oklahoma fan.

 2. Yul Brynner admitting to shaving his head with Anne Baxter's sandpaper like snatch

  1. Millard Fillmore claimed to have killed a time traveling Erik Estrada

World Cup Forum

Given that LT has such a widespread international readership, along with the fact that the planet’s largest global competition is currently being played out in South Africa, we thought this would be an ideal time to turn over a thread to our fans. So what are your thoughts on the World Cup?

WTF! Saturday

It's true:

they play with their food in China....

WTF! Saturday

We at Lincoln's Trombone have been accused from time to time of exaggeration.

This time, though, no bull, THIS is a MOUTHFUL.....

Very Horny, baby....

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference my teeth make!

Top 5, last time I brushed:

1. ‘I Like Ike’ buttons taught to French kiss
2. Stew that’s all, like, salty for the wrong reasons, know what I’m sayin’?
3. The overlap of concentric circles representing the Franklin Mint and armpit odor
4. Porcelain counter tops that amplify electronic flatulence
5. Middle management techniques that include saying “Wonka wonka wonka” while swallowing junior mints

Top 5, week of, 2010:

1. Overheard in 1958: “That right fielder of the Tigers looks like he’d have some mighty dee-lish spleen juice!”
2. Mountain bikers who wipe their bums with liquid nails
3. Links pertaining to, but not directly referencing, pepper-stained ovaries
4. Seaside gentlemen who seem exceedingly sensitive about their whiskey-scented urine
5. Final French fish that isn’t a rock reference?

WTF! Saturday

We don't what to say other than hail is f**king underrated......

Screw hurricanes.....

More Musings about Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll

While not denying their accomplishments, “Beatles” was a really stupid name for a band.

Ted Nugent was born to play guitar. And, it’s now clear, that’s all.

Chuck Berry only seems to sing George Thorogood songs.

In retrospect, Duran Duran still sucks.

Unlike Stealer’s Wheel, I’ve never experienced difficulty keeping this mouth on my face.

Musings About Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll

Too many life-is-so-hard-on-the-road songs. Just play your rock ‘n’ roll, spend your millions, and quit whining.

Lynyrd Skynyrd wins the award for band that looks the most like their own fans.

Why did Bread’s collective girlfriend keep leaving her diary underneath a tree?

And why did Steve Miller get on the big ol’ jet airliner if he 1) didn’t want to go too far away and 2) didn’t know where it was taking him?

Finally, the biggest question of all: I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so, satisfied, I’m on my way...WTF?!

WTF! Saturday

A couple of thoughts come to our minds:

1. Does he duck when they throw the gun?

2. Whatever happened to I and II?

Keep those hands at 10 and 2 kids....

Seemingly Innocuous Phrases That Seem Suggestive When Followed by a “This” Response

We’re going to vacation in Palm Springs. (“Palm this.”)

Just a lick and a promise. (“Lick this.”)

Plants feed via the process of photosynthesis. (“Photosynthesize this.”) (Admittedly, this one makes no sense.)

Get a grip. (Grip—oh, you get the idea.)

You just want your ego stroked.

Rise and shine!

Want some gum?

Son, you’re getting mouthy.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew.

Think you can handle it?

Close the clasp.

When life presents you with an opportunity, grab it!

WTF! Saturday

We'll have what he's having please....

But does he play trombone?

Final: Secretariat vs. 1972 Dolphins

The mighty Fins barely avoided an upset in the semis. Determined to up their intensity, they come out firing in the final. Big Red weathers the initial storm, but just barely, carrying a sizable deficit into the second period. At that juncture, however, Big Mo changes jerseys and Secretariat actually takes the lead just before the half. Miami attempts a trick play as time runs out, but they quickly realize that they’ve never been up against a defense as smart as this. Bailed out by yet another favorable call, however, the Dolphins score off an error and manage a halftime tie.

The Fins begin the second half with trash talk and posturing. Secretariat goes up by 10. Miami tries some deception. Secretariat by 20. The Dolphins get back to basics. Secretariat by 30. Miami gives up. At this point, oddly, the gap closes as Big Red takes pity on his undermanned opponent. Red then clowns his way through the final period, juggling and break dancing instead of playing. Mercifully for Miami, the spectators, and the record-setting TV audience, time runs out on yet another easy Secretariat win.

WTF! Saturday

How bad can jail possibly be?