Lincoln's Trombone Presents Honest Answers to Your Sports Questions

What'd you think of the Super Bowl?

Meh.

Was Peyton Manning's legacy diminished?

He threw some bad passes. It's not like the guy plagiarized a cure for rectal discharge. Who gives a shit about some musclehead's legacy?

What are your thoughts on the Wells Report?

Turns out that, deep down, guys who bang their heads into each other for a living are assholes. Shocker.

We all know this year's Winter Olympics are in Sochi. Where will the next ones be held?

I'm sure it'll be some other snowy shithole you never heard of.

Can Nadal top Federer's grand slam record with Djokovic in his way?

I wonder about that myself.

Which major league baseball team will surprise everyone this season a la '12 Giants or '13 Pirates?

Who the hell knows?

Is Florida State a shoo-in for the next college football national championship?

History says it’s far more likely they'll go back to beating up cupcakes in September, lose to NC State, then limp into some bowl named after a product you would never buy.

Who got the best recruiting class this year?

You’re asking which group of current 17-year olds will eventually be the best 22-year old players? Seriously?

March Madness: Most exciting way to pick a champion?

If by "most exciting" you mean "least valid," then yes.

What about that Marcus Smart spitting thing?

The fan is clearly a grade A number one fuckstick. On the other hand, Smart plays for a school best known for causing sheep bung to bleed for all the wrong reasons. Tough call.

Do you think Michael Sam's announcement will hurt his draft status?

It shouldn't. Any good GM will be more concerned with how well he inflicts brain damage on opponents than on where he sticks his cock after practice.

The Browns need a QB. Think they'll draft Manziel?

Who the fuck cares?

Is Miami-OKC the next great NBA rivalry?

You think Lincoln's Trombone can predict injuries, player attrition, coaching changes, draft successes, trades, how well new players mesh, blind luck, and 100 or so other variables? You're an idiot.

How about that All-Star game?

Every bit as good as the Pro Bowl. And by 'good' I mean unwatchable.

Who's your bet for this year's Stanley Cup?

Oh shit. Is it time for that again?

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition

Olympic Cringe Moments, Sochi Edition


5. Watching Michael Sam 'do' the half-pipe to Scott Hamilton

4. The hotel water as a kicker for Germany's Shizer Team

3. Vladimir Putin's celebratory Gold Medal Rim-Job

2. Selfies by Miley Cyrus and the Jamaican Bobsled team, au natural

1. Mary Carillo licking Bob Costas' eyeballs

Guide to the Winter Olympics

We all love the Olympics with its wide variety of games. But how well do we really understand sports we watch once every 4 years? For those having trouble, we present a list of Olympic sports & their objectives.

Bobsled--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Luge--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Skeleton--get down an icy slope as quickly as possible
Snowboarding--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Skiing--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible
Ski jumping--get down an snowy slope as quickly as possible, then fly
Speed skating--get across an icy surface as quickly as possible
Short track speed skating--get around tiny icy circles as quickly as possible
Figure skating--smile pretty for the judges
Curling--like Jarts except you don't end up putting a hole in little brother's hand
Biathlon--nobody knows

16 Activities that are no Dumber than Some Olympic Sports

Balancing a beach ball on one’s foreskin
Cultivation of arm pit juice
Estimating the correct circumference of Ashlee Simpson’s butt pimples
Spork tossing
Molding Cheez Whiz into the shape that best approximates a tortoise pancreas
Vomiting handkäse on the side of a stagecoach museum
Sucking navel lint (judged per poundage)
Molecularization of ear wax
Measuring J’s with a straight edge
Dancing around drops of urine on a rusted shower drain
Blowing spit bubbles sans milk
Turning textbook pages with the blade of a scythe
Making Disney jokes in the vapid netherworld of space
Stare downs with crotch rot
Goin’ all “Sal Muncy” at square dances
Making lists of activities that are no dumber than some Olympic sports

Semifinals

Match 1: 1972 Dolphins vs. Mark Spitz.

Spitz emerges from the locker room clearly unimpressed with the record-setting Fins. The Olympian seizes the early momentum, cruising to an ever-widening lead at the break. Coach Shula makes an impassioned halftime speech, screaming at his team that 1972 belonged to them, not some lousy 7-0 swimmer. At the start of the second half, the Dolphins come out charged, quickly cutting into the lead. Then Spitz scores again, appearing to sew up the contest. But Miami isn’t done. A strange and inarguably lucky Griese to Yepremian to Mandich trick play, along with some questionable officiating, forces overtime. In the extra session, Spitz is obviously upset and begins making mistakes. Dolphins win an OT thriller.

Match 2: Secretariat vs. Millard Fillmore

Another nail-biter. President Fillmore is tough, intense, and ready to give everything he has to win this semi. His unwillingness to back down in the face of his opponent’s superior athletic ability keeps him in the contest until the end. Unfortunately for his fans, it is also the prez’s undoing. Late in the match, with the score tied, the Triple Crown winning steed begins to taunt Fillmore. The president responds by losing his poise and drawing a costly penalty. Secretariat jumps to a late but insurmountable lead. Seeing that he’s been outsmarted, Fillmore finally concedes this hard-fought affair. It’s Big Red to the final.