Lincoln's Trombone Presents Honest Answers to Your Sports Questions

What'd you think of the Super Bowl?

Meh.

Was Peyton Manning's legacy diminished?

He threw some bad passes. It's not like the guy plagiarized a cure for rectal discharge. Who gives a shit about some musclehead's legacy?

What are your thoughts on the Wells Report?

Turns out that, deep down, guys who bang their heads into each other for a living are assholes. Shocker.

We all know this year's Winter Olympics are in Sochi. Where will the next ones be held?

I'm sure it'll be some other snowy shithole you never heard of.

Can Nadal top Federer's grand slam record with Djokovic in his way?

I wonder about that myself.

Which major league baseball team will surprise everyone this season a la '12 Giants or '13 Pirates?

Who the hell knows?

Is Florida State a shoo-in for the next college football national championship?

History says it’s far more likely they'll go back to beating up cupcakes in September, lose to NC State, then limp into some bowl named after a product you would never buy.

Who got the best recruiting class this year?

You’re asking which group of current 17-year olds will eventually be the best 22-year old players? Seriously?

March Madness: Most exciting way to pick a champion?

If by "most exciting" you mean "least valid," then yes.

What about that Marcus Smart spitting thing?

The fan is clearly a grade A number one fuckstick. On the other hand, Smart plays for a school best known for causing sheep bung to bleed for all the wrong reasons. Tough call.

Do you think Michael Sam's announcement will hurt his draft status?

It shouldn't. Any good GM will be more concerned with how well he inflicts brain damage on opponents than on where he sticks his cock after practice.

The Browns need a QB. Think they'll draft Manziel?

Who the fuck cares?

Is Miami-OKC the next great NBA rivalry?

You think Lincoln's Trombone can predict injuries, player attrition, coaching changes, draft successes, trades, how well new players mesh, blind luck, and 100 or so other variables? You're an idiot.

How about that All-Star game?

Every bit as good as the Pro Bowl. And by 'good' I mean unwatchable.

Who's your bet for this year's Stanley Cup?

Oh shit. Is it time for that again?

World Cup Forum

Given that LT has such a widespread international readership, along with the fact that the planet’s largest global competition is currently being played out in South Africa, we thought this would be an ideal time to turn over a thread to our fans. So what are your thoughts on the World Cup?

The Legend of Tim Tebow

It’s a cryin’ shame that the mighty Tim was robbed of the Heisman. Yes, a shame—and here’s a short list why:

• Tebow put the team on his back after their undeserved loss. Percy Harvin and the rest of the untalented stiffs simply tagged along for the ride.

• Tebow will head butt a wrecking ball if that’s what it takes to inspire his lazy-ass teammates.

• Tebow actually coaches his team behind a cardboard cutout of “Urban Meyer”

• Tebow never pees in the shower. And if he did, drains would unclog, I’ll tell you that right now!

• Tebow is Santa Claus.

• Tebow solved Lost and knows all the secrets of the island.

• When Tebow shakes hands, metacarpals turn to dust.

• When Tebow takes a dump, fields of lilies wish they smelled so good.

• When he’s in a bind, Jack Bauer calls Tebow for advice.

• Tebow collects for the Salvation Army while simultaneously playing Flight of the Bumblebees on a bass trombone.

• Obama prayed daily that Tebow wouldn’t run.

• Tebow satisfied your girlfriend like she’s never been satisfied before.

• Tebow pulled Pete Carroll’s pants up and chased him off my porch.

• Tebow prosecuted OJ.

Semifinals

Match 1: 1972 Dolphins vs. Mark Spitz.

Spitz emerges from the locker room clearly unimpressed with the record-setting Fins. The Olympian seizes the early momentum, cruising to an ever-widening lead at the break. Coach Shula makes an impassioned halftime speech, screaming at his team that 1972 belonged to them, not some lousy 7-0 swimmer. At the start of the second half, the Dolphins come out charged, quickly cutting into the lead. Then Spitz scores again, appearing to sew up the contest. But Miami isn’t done. A strange and inarguably lucky Griese to Yepremian to Mandich trick play, along with some questionable officiating, forces overtime. In the extra session, Spitz is obviously upset and begins making mistakes. Dolphins win an OT thriller.

Match 2: Secretariat vs. Millard Fillmore

Another nail-biter. President Fillmore is tough, intense, and ready to give everything he has to win this semi. His unwillingness to back down in the face of his opponent’s superior athletic ability keeps him in the contest until the end. Unfortunately for his fans, it is also the prez’s undoing. Late in the match, with the score tied, the Triple Crown winning steed begins to taunt Fillmore. The president responds by losing his poise and drawing a costly penalty. Secretariat jumps to a late but insurmountable lead. Seeing that he’s been outsmarted, Fillmore finally concedes this hard-fought affair. It’s Big Red to the final.

Potential Names for English Football Teams

1. Silly Nannies
2. Meat pie and a pint, mate.
3. The Dentists
4. Revolutionaries
5. Sheep Bangers
6. Freudian Slips
7. Chartered Accountancy R Us
8. Potter Party
9. Churchill's Busteirs
10. Sniveling Piles of Pretentious Poo

Questions to ask on Super Bowl Media Day

Are you guys going to try to win, or just keep from getting blown out?

Do you like me?

Who would you rather, you know—your wife or a Dolphins cheerleader?

As a follow-up, why do your cheerleaders look like an Iditarod sled-pulling team?

Have you ever vomited handkäse on the side of a stagecoach museum?

How hard was it to look your coach in the eye after you found out he’s a cheater?

Why isn’t Adrian Petersen here? He’s a lot better than you.

What’d you think when The Bachelor didn’t select any of the remaining babes?

If you had even half the personality that Peyton does, do you think you’d get more endorsements?

If you had even half the personality that your brother does, do you think you’d get more endorsements?

Are New Yorkers like me—do they giggle every time someone says Y. A. Tittle’s name?

Who’s your favorite Romanticist? And don’t say Blake!

When did Boston fans go from “nobody is as unlucky as us” to “nobody knows how to win like we do”?

Do you realize that every boxer alive thinks you play a pussy sport?

I heard the public schools in New York City are awful. Do you find your fans to be somewhat stupid?

Which of your teammates would you say has the sluttiest wife?

If you were gay, would you find me attractive?

Is it true that the word “Massachusetts” is Native American for “the smegma is caking”?

Think that Strahan guy ever heard of dentistry?

Without naming names, how many of your offensive linemen are on steroids?

Where’s Tiki?

Football Season Is Upon Us

Football season is starting, and that means over the next 5 months you can expect the following:

· During a sideline interview at halftime, the coach of the team that’s ahead will be more or less pleased about how the game is progressing, but will caution that “there’s a long way to go.”
· After a play that worked in the first half doesn’t work in the second, a color commentator will inform the viewing audience that the offensive coordinator “went to the well once too often.”
· A fat guy in a sports bar, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, will yell over his plate of onion ring carcasses that it’s time for his team to “dig deep” and you’ll wonder how deep Tubby has to dig to make it up a flight of stairs.
· Three weeks into the NFL season, some team will still be undefeated and pre-game shows will begin parading out the ’72 Dolphins.
· Six weeks into the season, you’ll grab the remote and announce to everyone in the room that you “can’t watch that damn Peyton Manning commercial again.”
· Troy Aikman will babble on about how it’s the slot receiver’s job to get open in the flat and Ijust don’tknow howaguycanpossiblyrunaroutethatbad, etc. and you’ll suddenly realize he hasn’t inhaled in over 4 minutes.
· A play-by-play announcer will yell that a punt returner has “one man to beat!” seconds before 3 guys tackle him.
· Your TV Guide will list “SEC Football” and for the third or fourth time since the beginning of the season you’ll become excited at the possibilities of who might be playing: Florida-Tennessee? Georgia-LSU? Auburn-Arkansas? Then you’ll once more deflate when you see that it’s Vanderbilt and Kentucky, two teams you’ll swear have played each other at least twice already.
· A radio sports talk host will term a caller an imbecile for expressing a theory about the local team.
· The same radio sports talk host will fawn all over some assistant coach who expresses a theory identical to that of the aforementioned imbecile.
· Chris Berman will say, “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills” with such conviction that, for a while, you’ll think it actually means something.
· A player on a team with only a remote chance for the playoffs will state that his team must henceforth play “one game at a time” and then “see what happens.”
· You will look at the commentators’ “Keys to the game” and think, “Score a lot of points and limit their scoring. Got it.”
· The twelfth time you hear someone say that the BCS is one letter too many, you’ll stop even pretending to laugh.
· After the Super Bowl, you know you’re going to miss football over the next 7 months, but not desperately enough to actually watch the Pro Bowl.