An Easy Way to Remember the Alphabet

Ambidextrous smelling salts with bad ass Guess Who lyrics;
BRAACK! Excuse the dog just now, you limber toed hysterics.
Cialis and those outdoor tubs—we all say WTF?!
Deodorizing concubines and all the Johns they suck.
Excedrin’s name is righteousness; so says a dink named Stu.
Forget about his sightlessness; the Wonder man can spew!
Gestapo shorts on Templeton; now can he shag a fly?
Horrendous meals atop old Cher and snot that’s rather dry.
Investing onion sandwiches with morbid butt sweat chilled,
Just make me California and the frozen jets are filled!
Key lime and Kaline spleen dessert is over on the moor,
“Less ass!” he cried in Mexico, upon the whore house door.
Mayoral stiffies rock St. Paul, indigenous and ticked.
New lemon pigeons sweep the door. I wish the corn were strict!
Old heads erupt on Santa Claus because he’s Tarzan boy.
Petunia snorting melon balls get mixed with frozen Koi.
Queen’s Freddy was the best one time, but now he’s 6 feet down.
Real soda as a New York thing? You’ve got to be a clown.
Smegmatics and the barns they sell; it’s just a 2-foot winch
That holds a pigeon’s nut sac smell, absorbing nay an inch.
Underwear with new car smell…and flavored oh so right!
VBF’s on Saturday; the sound is rather tight.
Wilted harped-on orbs that rule my neighbor's tights with glee,
Xenophobic monster cracks unguarded by the sea,
Yes men, ass men, and women's stench, plus cataclysmic foam;
Zoologists though none yet are, my wish is for a comb.

Things that sort of rhyme with 2010

In honor of the new year, here are some things that sort of rhyme with two thousand ten:

Gentle Ben
Streisand in Yentyl
More smegma, Auntie Em?
Jail's sodomy pen
Those damned ass men
Hate Sascatchewan
Got me a yen
M'cycle zen
Them Sooners did win
My dog's got the runs
Sanford & son
My turd weighed a ton
Big boobies is fun
Let's sue Jackie Chan
What's a henway?
Diarrhea

Christmas Gift Ideas for Those Hard-to-Shop-For Loved Ones

A closed head injury

“A Dummy’s Guide to Infidelity” by David Letterman (with Foreword by Tiger Woods)

“Soldier or Anteater” NFL locker room hidden camera guessing game

Frat Party Simulator (pay the extra for the projectile vomit sprayer)

Cleveland Browns season tickets (the deals on these keep getting better)

Petrified smegma

An electric balloon

Earwax statue of Millard Fillmore (get started early on this one)

Barbed wire jockstrap (unsalted)

Backhoe contingency lair spotters fresh off the highway of lust

Hemorrhoid glitter

A subscription to Lincoln’s Trombone

Giving Thanks

Ever been at Thanksgiving dinner when suddenly you’re asked what you’re thankful for and you have nothing to say? Next time, instead of looking like a dweeb in front of the entire extended family, use some or all of the following.

I’m thankful for…

• Seeing most of you only once a year

• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats

• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge

• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football

• Time travel (assuming you know about this)

• The statute of limitations on public nudity

• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend

• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant

• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand

And, finally:

• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!

Overheard in the Caribbean

Look at those fat people getting’ off the cruise ship, mon! I surely feel sorry for their toilets!

Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.

Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!

Say something in Jamaican!

Do you tell time the same way we do?

Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?

Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?

This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!

Why did you shave your nut sac?

Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!

That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!

Halloween Costumes You Can Make at Home

Guy with butter knife imbedded in his hand

Stripper looking for her pole

Mr. Band-Aid Moustache

Mrs. Lost Pants

Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler

David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)

A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs

The Abominable Nosebleed

Coagulated Vaseline

Joe the Plumber

Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)

Mark the Congressman (requires candy)

A prison whore with a purty mouth

Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)

Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)

A Floridian Visits Tampa

I was told to visit 4 places. That’s right, these were the recommendations; the best Tampa has to offer.

1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.

2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!

3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.

4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.

4 x 4

People who should have been trombonists:
1. Niel Loebig
2. Stretch Marks O’Malley
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Martin Van Eat me

Unused names for racehorses:
1. Bloody Diarrhea
2. Smegmatozoan
3. The Scar on my Shaft
4. Whiz Pickle

Concepts severely divorced from cellophane:
1. Hitting behind the dyspeptic runner
2. Old Fashioned Dung Meters and the carbon dating they elucidate
3. Batting cage larks that become dirty entendres
4. Marinated centipedes in a race designed for multiple births

Nothing in particular:
1. Juicy Kaline spleen
2. Programmatic flesh tone (“Eh, Bobby?”)
3. Presidential firmaments housed in Clark Kellogg’s bath water
4. The frankness with which Tina Yothers impersonators relish their own taints

Things to do on a Trans-Atlantic Flight

Order a Pepsi. When the attendant tells you they only serve Coke, yell, “Imperialist Swine!” in a thick middle eastern accent.

Try to clear your row by telling people you need the space to simulate the moors in which you typically pray.

When the meal cart comes out, start sniffing loudly and asking the people around you, “Who farted?”

Whenever the pilot talks over the sound system, grab your head and scream, “There’s that voice again!”

Put your paperback in the overhead bin. Tear out one page. When you finish, stand up and get the next page. Continue until the book is finished.

“Accidentally” miss your mouth with your coffee, thereby spilling it on that kid behind you who keeps kicking your seat.

Smear Vaseline all over the seat back. If anyone says anything, explain that you’ll be masturbating later.

When waiting in line for the bathroom, describe your nastiest episode of diarrhea; keep track of how quickly you get to the front of the line. Race your friends.

Blow spit bubbles into the food of the first-class passengers. Tell them you’re part of their in-flight entertainment.

Lesser known Military acronyms

We all know FUBAR and SNAFU, but did you know these?

BITE: Bile is trickling everywhere

SNARF: Shit No, Ain't Rectal F**king

SPLEEN: Spit polish, lick, eat each nut

OBNOXION: Made up fu**ing army word

ESTRADA: Eat shit, then rape all dumb asses

PLEBE: Please let each boy ejaculate

FYCSCLFPOS: F*ck you, c*ck sucking c*nt licking f*ckstick piece of shit.

Peculiar Statements Made in the Bahamas, Summer 2009

Get your ass out of my rum.

Why is Schistosomiasis so fun to say, but such a pain to have?

I got your Grand Bahama, right here!

Eight bucks for a box of cereal? You got a lot of nerve calling this Free Port!

The backhoe contingency necessitates spiritual interpretations any way the wind blows, Herr Scheiss Monster.

Nassau?! Is dat named aftuh da one in New Yawk?

The ocean water is so warm there's no difference when I pee!

If conch fritters rhymed with diarrhea, I could write a poem about this place.

The next one who sings 'Glass bottomed boat, you make the rockin' world go 'round' gets knifed in the gizzard. Don't believe it? Try me!

Best Team Nicknames

Southern Illinois University Salukis (college sports)
Albuquerque Isotopes (minor league baseball)
Springfield Isotopes (Simpsons)
Oslo Ice-O-Dopes (Scandinavian flaggledrop)
Macon Bacon (soft core sports)
Fredericksburg Flatulence (wedding planners associated)
St. John’s Shaft (actors’ guild of Wichita)
Otsego Nads (poetry club)
The (Sherman bowling)
Warrington Pink Funpockets (Eastern field hockey)
The Norton, Marion, & Worth, Esq. That Deep Crack Itch You Sometimes Get From Sitting Around Too Much (legal debating association)
UK Sniveling Piles of Pretentious Poo (Lincoln’s Trombone)
Atlanta Stoops 2 (Owen Field)
Cleveland Tromboners (symphonic Paleolithic circuit)
The Oklahoma If You Don’t Know the Backhoe Contingency You May as Well Reinforce Your Pants With Cellophane (inside jokesters)

Shit from Shinola

Shinola: Lebron

Shit: Lebron's ego

Shinola: Niel Loebig

Shit: Sal Muncy

Shinola: Al Kaline's spleen juice

Shit: Ochocinco's spleen juice

Shinola: Michael Jackson

Shit: Michael Jackson's sleepover with the Culkin brothers

Shinola: The glory of "Lost"

Shit: Getting Lost in my pants

Shinola: Tim Tebow

Shit: Tim Teboner

Shit: Erik Estrada's body of work

Shit, part 2: Erik Estrada

Shinola: The magnificence of Stoops to Atlanta

Shit: Liver and Beets greatest hits

Shinola: Lincoln's Trombone

Shit: Fillmore's Kazoo

Top 5 things heard on the 1 train

5. A huffing glue addict sings an on-key version of 'If I were a rich man' from Fiddler on the roof after a 2 minute speech that had less than 25 words in it.

4. A one-man band of three trombones and a drum asks me to 'make some room for the band'.

3. Two old Jewish women discussing the horrible lunch they just ate, equally mentioning the small size of the portions, blissfully unaware of the opening lines of Annie Hall.

2. A Michael Jackson impersonator, that neither looked, sounded or danced like the King of Pop.

1. A human 'Statue of Liberty' belching (almost sounded like the 'William Tell Overture')

Indepence Day: Ode to feral pigs

I sing of those that rode the ark

and wonder why they traveled?

Did not the pig of ham suffice for man?
I suppose not, these non-cud chewers

Have lived life abundant, though hunted.

HAIL THE BOAR! HAIL THE RAZORBACK!

Ye Arkansas clan unite as one!

Your mighty mascot dwelleth

In swamps and shit and scum untold

Not unlike your fellow kinsmen.

Feral pride is beyond measure to all

Whose bathroom hole is dug without septic

And relief for urges cry "cuzzin"

HAIL THE BOAR! HAIL THE RAZORBACK!

An answer to those who think writing a regular blog requires filler material

No way.

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference cell topography makes!

Top 5, June 1, 2009:

1. The spleen beat of the Kaline tympani
2. Poetic references to Turkish sausage production
3. Pillsbury roadkill at a Ghanaian wake
4. Data that do what they should (yes, I said do!)
5. My name is Mephistopheles but you can call me “Sugar Tits”

Top 5 prior to Jennifer Biel’s last BM:

1. Stegosaurus dreams and the resulting mixed fruit pies
2. Black market vinyl atop motorcade tribute bands
3. Crotch grabbing rubberneckers in the heat of fluoridation
4. Pamplona “Eat me’s” during playoff years
5. Whatever it is that keeps sliding into Rafa Nadal’s butt crack before he serves

Why Guys with Phony Accents Don't Like May

"Eet's Seenester! Eet's Seee-nester!"

A Floridian visits Disney

All right readers; let’s get this over with so we can move on to something more important. Navel lint, for example.

Here’s all you need to know about the 4 parks.

Magic Kingdom: Creepy oversized characters and a roller coaster that would be tolerable were not all the suspense removed by placing it under a darkened dome. Oh—that other ride where they strap you in so an alien can spit on you? Pass.

Hollywood Studios: Another unlit roller coaster (what’s the deal?), only this time riders get to hear Aerosmith filler songs at a volume level of distortion as they twist along undaunting loops. All told, this park is about as Hollywood as a NASCAR double-wide.

Animal Kingdom: Sort of like a zoo, but without any real proximity to animals.

Epcot: The front is dominated by a giant Titleist that houses the slowest park ride in captivity. The back has an international flavor, provided you believe that Denmark borders China.

Tune in next time readers, as I give this column a truly international flavor!

Chicago City Streets/Bad Lyrics

Dearborn/Guilty feet have got no rhythm

Michigan/If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar

State/I had a dream, I had an awesome dream

Balbo/If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?

Rush/What you say about his company is what you say about society

The Mag Mile/Told my girl I’d have to forget her; rather buy me a new carburetor

Ohio/And then he went and he ate up all of my corn