Top 10 Trombonist Monthly Controversies

10. The Cleveland Symphony F trigger debate. Long may it wave!

9. The January 1999 exposé suggesting that Millard Fillmore didn’t really discover the trombone. Rather, it was claimed, he invented the tetherball.

8. Crappington’s alleged “discovery” that a Bach 1862 mute with the slide in 4^th position sounds just like a VBF.

7. June 2007 editorial entitled “The Bass Trombone: I Mean, What Sort of Goofy Shit is That?”

6. The long-running Muncy-Loebig debate re. whether the first and second braces should be named after Erik Bung & Niel Hole.

5. The as-yet unresolved question about P-bones: Can they really approximate a clean sound or do we use them just because they look so damn cool?

4. The Duquesne University study suggesting that the friction inherent in the back & forth movement of the slide will eventually force the spit valve to empty itself under great pressure (a new wrinkle to the old “Is it the size of the slide or motion of the trombonist?” argument).

3. Ted Nugent’s prepared statement that “Ya Shoodn’t give yer horn a female name cuz ya kan’t blow a girl! Yi yi yi yi yi yi yi!! Ahhhhhh!!!”

2. The “tromboner” jokes told by the London Philharmonic’s section and the resulting backlash by their prissy little woodwinds.

1. The question of whether media bias exists against the Cleveland Symphony or if their negative press reflects actual widespread hatred. Once this topic hit the message boards, it took off like smegma from a pervert’s whiz pickle.

Tromboning: Myths vs. Facts

Myth: The mainstream tromboning media have a bias against rust belt players.

Fact: Within the past 2 years, sections from the Cleveland and Toledo symphonies, as well as that of the Gary Pops, have been featured favorably in both Trombone Monthly and Sliding with Sly. Moreover, the first and third chairs from, respectively, Miami and Fresno, have been blasted by the same major publications during this time period.

Myth: The mouthpiece makes the player.

Fact: A nice piece is great, but without decent lip action, you might as well blow a woodwind.

Myth: Pulling the pipe results in greater bell size.

Fact: It may seem that way at the time, but overall mass doesn’t change.

Myth: The Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s one-liners about “slide extension” are the filthiest trombone jokes known to man.

Fact: Only for those with short memories. Back in the day, members of the London Philharmonic told tromboner jokes that were more vulgar than a cellist in heat.

And finally…

Myth: Simply owning a Bach large bore makes one more arrogant.

Fact: 2 words—Niel Loebig.