SUPER BOWL 2014: PREDICTIONS

1. Dan Dierdorf's lisp will become self aware

2. The kickoff will be precisely at 4:20

3. Peyton Manning's forehead will be interviewed by a posthumous Tom Mees forehead.

4. Jim Brown threatens to return to the game to preserve any record broken by "those niggas hoes        who dissed my mama, yo"

5. The entire Seahawks team is discovered to use a little know, first to be found, Performance enhancing drug: Al Kaline's Spleen Juice. Rather than a forfeit, they are forced to watch Pete Carroll take a dump on Howie Long's yard.

6. ESPN will promote the SEC as being better than the NFL - just look at the damn competition!

7. Nick Saban will make a guest appearance. Promptly screams at Terry Bradshaw for "NOT WANTING IT ENOUGH GAWD DAMMIT!"

8. Al Michaels will shout DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, YES! over and over. Madonna's boyfriend responds with a sad, knowing nod.

9. Michael Jackson suddenly appears to the do the halftime show and quickly dissipates when he realizes it isn't the Little League World Series and Catholic priest hummer rally.

10. A variety of half thought out and mildly clever commercials appear. Erik Estrada tells his gathering that he 'turned down roles in each of them' because they didn't invite Jon or his astrologer onto the set.

How to be an Internet Asshole

Step 1. Get drunk.

Step 2. Post something stupid. And don't pretend you don't know how. You've seen the posts. "Obama got into Harvard on a Muslim scholarship. It's been verified!" or "Christie can't relate to me cause all the fat **** does is suck on his diabetic sores! I hope he dies!" If you're still stuck, use this formula: Choose a country, state, town, team, civic organization, church, or random building and announce that we should "burn the f***** place to the ground!"

Step 3. Take the resulting flak. When anonymous Internet responses begin with "Suck cocks in hell you f**** asshole" you know you've done steps 1 & 2 correctly.

Step 4. Sober up. Realize you crossed the line. Time to rally!

Step 5. Post that you never really believed what you said in step 2. Rather, you were just trying to get people talking about such an important matter.

Step 6. Sit back and watch as the ever-present flak gets balanced with some sympathy and even support. Someone will comment on the "guts" it took to post something so "provocative." This will momentarily confuse you until you realize it is simply a reference to your stupid post by somebody even stupider.

Step 7. After reading everything that everyone said about you, state that you don't really care what anyone says about you.

Step 8. Repeat step 7. Often. Make certain that everyone knows that you don't care what anyone thinks. 

Step 9. Go back to step 1. Repeat sequence with a new stupid opinion.


One final note: This same basic sequence works for sportswriters who give away their Baseball Hall of Fame vote.

Top 10 Death Bed Confessions of all time (bengali style)

With no adieu whatsoever...


10. Sigmund Freud, minutes before he died, claiming that he hit the dirt hole of Greta Garbo

 9.  John Belushi claiming to have won the 1974 Flaggledrop MVP of Glastonbury

 8.  Phil Silvers was said to have suggested that "Hecuba left those poor poor people"

 7.  Al Kaline reportedly secretly stashed all of his remaining spleen juice in a Captian Kangaroo cup stored
      in the refrigerator of a soon to be born A. Rodriguez. (and as a result, did NOT DIE!)

 6. Salvador Dali reportedly crapped on canvas and it sold for $27,000,000 in 2011.

 5. John Denver reportedly said, "Good Luck, Mr Gorsky"

 4. Marching ant #203,402,789,612 claiming to be #309,677,336,101

 3. The "Gipper" confessing to being Jewish and being an Oklahoma fan.

 2. Yul Brynner admitting to shaving his head with Anne Baxter's sandpaper like snatch

  1. Millard Fillmore claimed to have killed a time traveling Erik Estrada

World Cup Forum

Given that LT has such a widespread international readership, along with the fact that the planet’s largest global competition is currently being played out in South Africa, we thought this would be an ideal time to turn over a thread to our fans. So what are your thoughts on the World Cup?

WTF! Saturday

It's true:

they play with their food in China....

WTF! Saturday

We at Lincoln's Trombone have been accused from time to time of exaggeration.

This time, though, no bull, THIS is a MOUTHFUL.....

Very Horny, baby....

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference my teeth make!

Top 5, last time I brushed:

1. ‘I Like Ike’ buttons taught to French kiss
2. Stew that’s all, like, salty for the wrong reasons, know what I’m sayin’?
3. The overlap of concentric circles representing the Franklin Mint and armpit odor
4. Porcelain counter tops that amplify electronic flatulence
5. Middle management techniques that include saying “Wonka wonka wonka” while swallowing junior mints

Top 5, week of, 2010:

1. Overheard in 1958: “That right fielder of the Tigers looks like he’d have some mighty dee-lish spleen juice!”
2. Mountain bikers who wipe their bums with liquid nails
3. Links pertaining to, but not directly referencing, pepper-stained ovaries
4. Seaside gentlemen who seem exceedingly sensitive about their whiskey-scented urine
5. Final French fish that isn’t a rock reference?

WTF! Saturday

We don't what to say other than hail is f**king underrated......

Screw hurricanes.....

More Musings about Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll

While not denying their accomplishments, “Beatles” was a really stupid name for a band.

Ted Nugent was born to play guitar. And, it’s now clear, that’s all.

Chuck Berry only seems to sing George Thorogood songs.

In retrospect, Duran Duran still sucks.

Unlike Stealer’s Wheel, I’ve never experienced difficulty keeping this mouth on my face.

Musings About Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll

Too many life-is-so-hard-on-the-road songs. Just play your rock ‘n’ roll, spend your millions, and quit whining.

Lynyrd Skynyrd wins the award for band that looks the most like their own fans.

Why did Bread’s collective girlfriend keep leaving her diary underneath a tree?

And why did Steve Miller get on the big ol’ jet airliner if he 1) didn’t want to go too far away and 2) didn’t know where it was taking him?

Finally, the biggest question of all: I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so, satisfied, I’m on my way...WTF?!

WTF! Saturday

A couple of thoughts come to our minds:

1. Does he duck when they throw the gun?

2. Whatever happened to I and II?

Keep those hands at 10 and 2 kids....

Seemingly Innocuous Phrases That Seem Suggestive When Followed by a “This” Response

We’re going to vacation in Palm Springs. (“Palm this.”)

Just a lick and a promise. (“Lick this.”)

Plants feed via the process of photosynthesis. (“Photosynthesize this.”) (Admittedly, this one makes no sense.)

Get a grip. (Grip—oh, you get the idea.)

You just want your ego stroked.

Rise and shine!

Want some gum?

Son, you’re getting mouthy.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew.

Think you can handle it?

Close the clasp.

When life presents you with an opportunity, grab it!

WTF! Saturday

We'll have what he's having please....

But does he play trombone?

Final: Secretariat vs. 1972 Dolphins

The mighty Fins barely avoided an upset in the semis. Determined to up their intensity, they come out firing in the final. Big Red weathers the initial storm, but just barely, carrying a sizable deficit into the second period. At that juncture, however, Big Mo changes jerseys and Secretariat actually takes the lead just before the half. Miami attempts a trick play as time runs out, but they quickly realize that they’ve never been up against a defense as smart as this. Bailed out by yet another favorable call, however, the Dolphins score off an error and manage a halftime tie.

The Fins begin the second half with trash talk and posturing. Secretariat goes up by 10. Miami tries some deception. Secretariat by 20. The Dolphins get back to basics. Secretariat by 30. Miami gives up. At this point, oddly, the gap closes as Big Red takes pity on his undermanned opponent. Red then clowns his way through the final period, juggling and break dancing instead of playing. Mercifully for Miami, the spectators, and the record-setting TV audience, time runs out on yet another easy Secretariat win.

WTF! Saturday

How bad can jail possibly be?

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference Lincoln’s Trombone makes!

Top 5, week of June 6, 2007:

1. The juicer that may or may not be attached to Al Kaline’s spleen
2. Guys who say “Been a business doin’ pleasure with ya’” just before they vomit on your necktie
3. Those booger-like things you sometimes find in your eyes
4. “More bedrock, Flight Commander?”
5. Primal scream therapy that sounds suspiciously like frat house hooting

Top 5, week of April 19, 2010:

1. Al Kaline’s spleen juice
2. Mopeds divorced from Nick Saban’s outhouse vantage point
3. Guys whose nose hairs remind you of tall guys with poor posture
4. Sexual positions recommended by Ruth Bader Ginsburg
5. French final fish—what once was thought to be…etc.

WTF! Saturday

Guess we never thought about asking the Saviour of the Universe "How's it hangin'?"....

http://s3.amazonaws.com/newsok-photos/912545/medium.jpg

China here we come...

Here's hoping that future expansion includes a 76 trombone band....

http://www.hulu.com/watch/141950/abc-nightline-dwarf-theme-park-in-china

Rejected Tax Deductions

1. Weight gain therapy for consuming food while watching the commercials during the Biggest Loser.

2. Tuition to the Erik Estrada dramatic acting school.

3. Losses incurred from the treatment of sexual disease given to you by your cousin (or cousin's farm animal - Arkansas only...)

4. Spit valve reconstruction therapy using any method other than Loebig/Muncy.

5. Removal of Al Kaline's spleen

6. Any deduction for adding 'in bed' to the end of a sentence. (will be criminally prosecuted)

7. Claims for lost work time due to re-enacting Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (unless prescribed by a physician)

8. Social hick talking lessons

WTF! Saturday Special Sunday Edition...

I'm going to Thailand before they outlaw this noble sport....

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1264865/Orangutans-kickbox-parade-bikinis-cheering-tourists.html