Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference Lincoln’s Trombone makes!

Top 5, week of June 6, 2007:

1. The juicer that may or may not be attached to Al Kaline’s spleen
2. Guys who say “Been a business doin’ pleasure with ya’” just before they vomit on your necktie
3. Those booger-like things you sometimes find in your eyes
4. “More bedrock, Flight Commander?”
5. Primal scream therapy that sounds suspiciously like frat house hooting

Top 5, week of April 19, 2010:

1. Al Kaline’s spleen juice
2. Mopeds divorced from Nick Saban’s outhouse vantage point
3. Guys whose nose hairs remind you of tall guys with poor posture
4. Sexual positions recommended by Ruth Bader Ginsburg
5. French final fish—what once was thought to be…etc.

The 5 Most Overrated Rivalries

1. Red Sox-Yankees

They play each other what?—18 times a year? Hey ESPN, stop pretending that every one of them is an event! Nobody outside of New England gives a crap.

2. Auburn-Alabama

Such intensity! Such hatred! Such rooting for one another the rest of the year for the glory of the good ol’ SEC!! Duke-UNC you guys ain’t.

3. Evert-Navratilova

Martina went oh for her fat years. Once she got in shape, MarNav laid Chrissie out like Greg Norman on Viagra.

4. Army-Navy

Admirable students at important universities, but the football game has become a big yawner. Quick—who won last year? Yeah, I don’t know either.

5. Duquesne-Fordham

The Dukes rock. Fordham is suck. ‘Nuff said.