Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference a new year makes!

Top 5, December 31, 2007:

1. Frat boys who try to say, “Eciuj neelps s’enilak la”
2. Reviewable tapir doo-doo
3. Calculations done within the wind tunnel of a dragon’s queef
4. The old “Cheez Whiz in the urine specimen” prank
5. Jokes about corn products that talk like water polo aficionados

Top 5, January 1, 2008:

1. The comeback of Al Kaline’s spleen juice
2. Starting the bow meister on his way toward Funky Town
3. Tragedy void of fish eggs
4. Pipe tobacco scented to resemble Britney’s love handles
5. “Perhaps mine glances are a touch woozy, Admiral Kite!”

Cojoined twins Christmas returns

A note, found at a grisly suicide scene...

1. Plaid sweater from the Gap (makes us look fat).
2. Chic-Fil-A calendar (he's getting fat). **** you asshole! You are the tub of lard! Please don't go messing up my post. EAT ME.
3. Starbucks gift card (makes fat dumb**** gassy). I'm gonna kick your ass! Oh wait....you DON'T have an ass, lamebrain.
4. My turn ****stick....We are taking back that book of romantic poetry your faggot boyfriend bought you. Oh no you don't! That is my favorite gift and Harold was so sweet to think of us. US? I hat that mother-*****...always sticking his tongue in my side of our mouth! And he can't keep his hands off my ****. Your ****? I don't think so, girlfriend! But he does like your pretty little ass! SHUT THE **** UP!
5. That stupid tea set and biography of Liberace. RUBBISH you lotharian! It WILL NOT go back. I love formal tea service and Liberace was a graceful, loving human being. A man's man! You are a ****ing flaming faggot! Liberace was a turd pounder. And we won't have tea..NOT ON MY WATCH. OK, just fine. Do you want everyone to know about that night you went camping with Thad? I tried to sleep...I tried to forget about it....Great, you ***che-bag. THANKS A ****-LOAD. Now EVERYONE knows. IT WAS JUST ONE TIME. And it's your fault -made me go see Brokeback with your 'girl' friends. That's it. You've gone too far. I'm hurt. I'm taking back the Skil-Saw. The HELL you will! Thad bought that for ME! It was our first Christmas. What am I saying... I think we all know who the meat lover is in the family....OH MY GAWD....Does Mom know? I can't take this anymore....where's my 5 in one screwdriver set? PUT THAT DOWN. You'll put out our eye! Stop it! That hurts......NO!

Text ends......

A Surrealist Dog on Christmas Day

Kids up early. Let me out! Open door! Must go pee! Let me out! Make circles ‘til someone looks. They’re ignoring me! I’ll pee on the floor. I’ll do it! Wet circles of paint form mist in the construction of urban dungeons.

Finally, door open! Run, pee, go over by the bird bath, pee more, move toward the door, pee again. The unknown spirits plant severed feet beneath the basket of sleeping puppies.

Back inside. Wrapping paper being torn, discarded. Sniff a bow, smells like nothing. Everyone excited. Petunias serve as forks to kings in elderberry estates.

Room a mess. Paper scattered everywhere. New toys and clothes. Strange lighted tree still in house, blinking. Now people tired. Washing the red compass results in a wary glitch of observable time.

Finally! Someone feeds me. Dry food, no wet. Sniff first, then eat. Marionettes with daggers frighten alley cats beneath a shadowed moon.

People keep arriving. Bark, then bark more. It’s my house! You come in, I bark! Someone pets me, I stop. Shave the cast from the mummified remains; the energy of ancient thought floats visibly, then evaporates.

Tired. Nap time. Too much running, barking. Too many people. Growl at infant touching my face. Get kicked by master. Cortical functions become levers racing in orange.

All good now. Strangers leaving, me being fed, new toys to sniff, kids happy, masters tired. Must eat, take dump, go sniffing, then nap in peace. The wind finds serenity amongst the dead as camera eyes flicker in frustration.

A Ghey Family Christmas

“Oh Father, the tree is ever so lovely this year!”

“Merci, my dear. When I first laid eyes upon it, I thought it was splendid and, with a knowing wink, said to the gentleman in the lot, ‘My good man, the Gheys simply must have this gorgeous specimen!’”

“Let’s unwrap the gifts!”

“Yes, let’s shall!”

[unwrapping noises]

“Oh my! This sweater is exquisite! My everlasting thanks, m’lady!”

“Oh Father!”

[laughter, followed by more unwrapping noises]

“The complete works of Truman Capote! A touch naughty, but I likey!”

“I’m pleased that you’re pleased!”

“Oh Father, we love all your presents. Thank you so so so so so much!”

“Shopping is even more of a treat when guided by love!”

“I was about to opine that Christmas is the best, but no.”

[gasps]

“Father, you are the best! You fill the Ghey home and hearth with such love!”

“I bow to your compliments, for I am humbled.”

“But still incorrigible!”

“Ho ho!”

“What shall we do next? Try on our new outfits?”

“Is there a foot ball match on the telly?”

“Ho ho! Foot ball?! You always were the black sheep of the family!”

“Speaking of such, Father, I have a confession. At University, I shan’t be majoring in theatre.”

[silence]

“Then what? Literature? Willst thou be a playwright?”

“Oh my! I sense a tiff arising and must ask who would like to partake in snow sledding.”

“Oh, let’s shall!”

“Yes!”

“Oh yes!”

“Not I.”

[silence]

“Say again? You’d miss such jollification? Is your heart too light for the dales on this morn?”

“Nothing like that. It’s just that someone has to prepare the hot chocolate for when the hardy sledders return from their sporty endeavor.”

“Last one out has lumps of coal in their stocking!”

Bad Santa 2007

For our 'newer' readers, it has become tradition among the staff (pun intended) of Lincoln's Trombone to offer distasteful, off-color greetings, suitable for the season. Enjoy...share...Merry ****ing Christmas!

Three openers, from the pen of Millard Fillmore.......

It's Christmas two-thousand and seven
Santa's ready for sex with his elven.
They all get up at three
For Claus to bury his tree
And they ride his red rocket to heaven.


Oh you better watch out
You better not cry!
You better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa's giving you a dirty sanchez for Christmas, bitch.



**** the sleigh
**** the holly
**** the mall
Let's ****

Advice for the Holidays

Should a German family invite you to a Christmas costume party, and you decide to go as Fox news commentator Brit Hume, remember to sing the following song:

I’ll be Hume for Christmas.
Du kann count auf mich.
C-N-N and F-O-X
Would ne-ver hire dich…

Ironic Smegma Liner Notes

It is with great pride that I announce that I have been selected to write the liner notes for the new Ironic Smegma boxed set, due out in time for the holidays. Below is my rough draft. I welcome any comments, critiques, advice, etc.


I remember the first time I heard of ‘80s icons Ironic Smegma. The breathless coed practically screamed in my ear that I had to hear this band!

“They’re tits and beer,” her boyfriend agreed.

At that time, IS had a new age influence I didn’t much care for, but there was no denying the talent. What’s more, they stayed within themselves: The four chords they played, they played damned well.

Curious, I followed the band through the decade, watching them add 2 additional chords, 4 hairdressers, and countless spandex jumpsuits. Over and over again, I examined the video for Foreskin Hair Gel, wondering if the band had peaked. Then, of course, came their tour de force, My Spandex is Stretchin’ (Because You’re so Fetchin’). Yes, the video featured the leather bikini, but there was more to it than that. For example…there was…um…oh hell, all I remember is the leather bikini.

In any case, through all the women, fame, women, hairstyles, and more women, IS never lost touch with their essential principle: Make as much money as possible and do it damned quickly. Perhaps, when the history of ‘80s music is written, that will serve as their greatest legacy.

Ranking Nothing in Particular, Special Holiday Edition

What a difference one holiday makes!

Top 5, week of November 24, 2007:

1. Formless voices that suggest saying “AH-lou” when discussing Moises Alou
2. Florence Henderson’s false dance card
3. Statuesque lawn gnomes with bloody gums
4. Billy goats who rant about the flavor of the dress code
5. The World Series of Pork

Top 5, pre-Thanksgiving:

1. Spleen juice well behind first
2. Mispronouncing “meatus”
3. Minuscule lawn gnomes with bloodless gums
4. The curse of the odorous shaft
5. Flash drives emitting sparks of everlasting menstruation

Every College Football Message Board

There’s no way we loose this game. [Name of opponent] has no running game, no D, and there coach is a retart!

I’m with ya bro. Our third team would take em by 2 TDs. LOL!

Anyone see we got a chance of signing Laerton? Isn’t he the #1 recruit nationally? We do that, we win the next 4 NCs!

He’s coming. Mark it down.

That asshat [name of columnist] wrote that we’re “really good” but have a few areas to “tweak.” How does a f***ing idiot like that even get a column?!

LOL! Who cares what that a-hole says? If I ever see [columnist], I’ll kick his a** I promise you that!

Just another example of how the media NEVER gives us a break. Do they ever say [name of rival] or [name of other rival] need to tweak? Bastages!

Almost game time. Let’s start an official game thread so we can write down what we’re all watching.

Aw geez! [Name of quarterback] just threw an INT. When are they going to play [Backup QB]?

ROFL! You must be kidding!

I assure you, I don’t kid about football!

You ever play the game, asswipe? Some a you fems need to learn about football before you post. I’m LMAO at some a the crap I’m reading here. If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us who to play!

No reason to switch QBs. [Name of coach] knows what he’s doing.

Maybe, but [Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran!

LOL! Who cares what you think?

ROFL! Would you rather be [name of rival team] and win by cheating? That’s what most teams do. Thank God we’ve got class.

Not most teams—practically EVERYBODY cheats. I don’t know how [name of coach] plays so clean and wins. I guess that’s greatness for you. Like you said, pure class. We’ve got it, they wish they had it. LOL!

It’s almost halftime and we’re only winning by 10. Why are we so flat?

The reffing hasn’t helped. Has [opponent] gotten a single flag?

Only the ones they deserved. Meanwhile we get flagged for scratching our nuts.

The [name of conference] hates us. No big story there.

[Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran. Calling a run on 2nd and 10 doesn’t fool anyone if you keep doing it!

LMAO! You ever play the game, asswipe? If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us what to call!

Bad news on Laerton. [High school player ranking service] just announced he’s going to [rival school].

Good riddance to bad rubbish! We’re better off without him.

He wouldn’t have played a down here.

That a-hole will regret this day after we win the next 4 NCs. LOL!

3rd and 1. There out of time outs. We pick this up, the games over.

You ever play the game, asswipe? If you never strapped it on, don’t tell us how many time outs they have left!

Did that idiot [announcer] just ask who our 2nd string tailback is? Hello?! Does the name [of 2nd string tailback] mean anything to you?

ROFL!

Guess we no who the asshats in the booth our rooting for.

They did just say we were great…

LOL! That’s just speaking the truth! No credit for that.

YESSS! First down! Put it in the books, bay-bee!

My congrat’s to any fans of [opponent]. Your a good team. No disgrace to loose to us. Hold your heads up.

We’ll probably move up in the BCS after this.

Maybe, but our O sucked.

What do you expect? [Name of offensive coordinator] is a moran!

16th Century Hyperbole

"Famisheth me wot; mine starvation thou horse for vitual wouldst erstwhile absolve."

"Thine brain, O Lord, is mightiest of all peas."

"Jocluarity of thine tale hast been told of the millionth"

"Doth thou not behold thine ladies bosom? powered vessel upon them, I wouldst 'til dawn!"

"Mine appendage; glorious and mighty, bringeth measure to thy meter!"

"Emit from thy buttocks, would most surely gaggteth lowly maggot"

"Thy visage is thus homely that canine posterior wouldeth mightly improve upon"

"Width and measure of thy girth is wot immeasurable: royal elephants doth fling legumes at thy sight!"

"Kaline, thy juice of spleen, 'een gold competest not!"

Some Thanksgiving Conversation

“Please pass the stuffing.”
“Why don’t you have your new little trophy wife pass the stuffing, you f***ing a**hole?!”

* * * *

“You didn’t have to bring a dessert. We have plenty.”
“Yeah, but last year yours were a bit, oh, let’s just say tart.”

* * * *

“You did a great job on this. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too dry or juicy.”
“The aroma is absolutely yummy!”
“And the color is a perfect brown.”
“Uh…are you guys talking about the turkey or the dump I just took?”

* * * *

“Do you like my pie, dear?”
“If I didn’t, would there be 12 people seated around this table?”

* * * *

“So Joe, you married yet?”
“No. And to answer your next question, I’m still straight.”

* * * *

“These potatoes have a weird aroma.”
“Maybe you’re smelling the SBD I just cracked.”

* * * *

“What’s that noise? Oh... Hey, dogs throw up cranberries! Who knew?”

* * * *

“I think you’ll find this wine satisfying, if a bit amusing. White, but not dry; possessing a zesty essence.”
“As long as it gets my ass buzzed, it can dry the zest off my shaft for all I care.”

* * * *

“Eat the food before it gets hard.”
“Would that be so bad? Hell, that’s what I’m most thankful for!”
“Before the food gets hard.”
“Oh, right.”

* * * *

“So you’re an accountant now. Hey, sounds gripping!”
“So you’re still a smartass. Hey, grip this!”

How to Order Pay-Per-View

Here are the steps to ordering pay-per-view in my area. Your results may vary (though I’m guessing not by much).

1) Try to order the game by hitting the correct button on the remote.

2) Read an error message stating that it’s not yet available.

3) Repeat step 1 closer to game time.

4) Observe the new error message, telling you it is now too late to order this particular game.

5) Call cable customer service.

6) Wait on hold and hear ads about how great their service is.

7) Listen to customer service rep tell you the game’s not available in your area.

8) Call again.

9) Wait on hold again.

10) Get a different rep and ask if the game is available in the area.

11) Be told no again.

12) Repeat steps 8-10 until you get a rep who says yes.

13) Ask this last rep to hook up the game.

14) By then it’s halftime, so wait 15 more minutes to see if it’s actually the second half of the game for which you just paid full price.

15) If yes: Enjoy. If not, return to step 5.

Quarterfinals

Match 1: 1972 Dolphins vs. Bobby Fischer. Fischer opens well, but this is one group match that is simply too much for his insane cortex to handle. With a quick fake and limber execution, Jake Scott single-handedly snatches victory away from “The Fischer-Man” in the final seconds.

Match 2: 1927 Yankees vs. Mark Spitz. First upset of the day, as the ’27 team is surprised by Spitz’s speed and stamina. Gehrig leads a valiant comeback, but too late in the day and the Yanks fall short.

Match 3: Secretariat vs. Taylor Hicks. A complete mismatch. Big Red, fresh off his qualifying annihilation of Larry Storch, defeats Hicks before the opening bell stops ringing.

Match 4: Bill Tilden vs. Millard Fillmore. Though Vegas installed him as a slight favorite, Tilden can’t hang with the tougher and more seasoned prez. Fillmore gets the early lead and coasts.

Semifinal pairings: Dolphins-Spitz; Secretariat-Fillmore.

Rejected Disney Theme Park Atractions

Top 10, as of early this morning:

10. Simba's Buffet, featuring the grisly deaths of Timon and Poomba
9. Roy Disney's Polyp Collection
8. Regis and Kathy Lee starring in "The Rescuers go North of 90th Street"
7. "So you want to be a fairy?" narrated by Richard Simmons
6. Michael Eisner presents "Reasons I am God"
5. Interactive videos: "What lonely pirates do at sea"
4. The world is freaking HUGE, dude!
3. Discounted park hopper pass that doesn't include bathroom admission
2. Bambi's Bordello
1. Al Kaline's spleen juice adventure

Something for the Thursday-Friday Commenters

I did a little research and discovered that over a quarter of the comments we get come on Thursdays and Fridays. To show our appreciation, we will open this entry to the many end-of-the-work-week folks.

Tell us what's on your minds.

Halloween Costumes I’ve Been Unable to Find

1. That translucent liquid that squirts out the first time you use the mustard
2. The saddle sores on Lady Godiva’s ass
3. Danny Bonaduce’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
4. The nose hair fairy
5. A Dolphin fan celebrating a win
6. The guitar solo from The Torture Never Stops
7. Rudy Giuliani's impersonation of Hannah Montana
8. The semaphore version of the wind beneath Abe Vigoda's scales
9. Mark McGwire’s Hall of Fame acceptance speech
10. The perfume my ex-girlfriend wore that night she vomited Boone’s Farm all over the console
11. A guy with his hand in his pants
12. An unpopped blackhead
13. Nick Smegma
14. A sporkful of Cheez Whiz
15. The act of merrily awakening to scofflaws with sunburn
16. An UFC fan on his way to a Mensa meeting
17. Cranial nerve VIII
18. Man O’ War’s rotting corpse
19. That stuff on sunny-side up eggs that looks like snot
20. Snot

Trading Places: Jack Bauer and Cosmo Kramer

While trying to bring down an terrorist cell, Kramer's weapon is entangled in his mansiere. Hilarity ensues.

Jack goes with Jerry to the Soup Nazi kitchen. After a terse exchange, Jack blows the mother f**king soup man to pieces.

Kramer promotes Frank Costanza to director of field ops in exchange for smuggling actual Cubans into the country (who turn out to be Dominican knock-offs).

Jerry complains to Elaine that Jack says 'dammit' way too much.

Kramer attempts to court Chloe by going to the ladies room to show her his 'protocol'.

Jack is seen torturing the doorman for information about Newman's whereabouts.

Kramer makes a phone call to the President about a 'sure thing' in the 4th at Aqueduct.

Elaine passes out on the floor when Jack bursts into Jerry's apartment 'commando' style.

Kramer is reprimanded by the powers that be for asking Audrey's Raines to "do the Nina for me, baby".

Jack is accused by Jerry of being a 'low-talker'.

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference several ranking points can make.

Top 5, week of October 8, 2007:

1. Pedestrian greed associated with burlap panties

2. The quarter minute between mastication and deglutition

3. Coeds claiming to major in pre-Horsecrap

4. Reruns of the classic Goefflingmeyer-Horst semifinal

5. “If sweltering fistulae are so delightful, why sleep near the gravy?” (when used as an insult)


Other notables:

6. Clandestine fornicators in a buzz saw of tripe

11. Al Kaline’s spleen juice

25. One-liners about morning wood

58. Word play that leads to nose vomit

339. Carefully executed scene stealers who double as license plate tags

Words that in no way rhyme with Steve

My current list:

filching
brandished
spleenguard
Lewinsky
wassail (german derivation)
blarney
putrid
vbf
Loebidness
mandingo
splotchy crotch
maniacal melvin's mystery meat
autocoprophagy

I would usually add the word whorn or puke orange faggots, but it just pisses me off, generally (and specifically).

Feel free to add to the list.

Notable Essays, Part MCXXVII: Grappefroot

The following excerpt is from an essay, entitled “Republicans and Democrats,” written by Stanley Grappefroot, the only American writer known to simulate bodily noises every 13 syllables.

Perhaps I was naïve, but as a young adult, I—sniff—viewed American political parties far dif—ah-choo!—ferently than I do today. My mental image—BRAAACK!!—of Democrats was an idealistic son, full—[grunt]—of ideas and wanting desperately to save the—ack!—world, if only he had the money to do so. Re—BLAH! LURCH! SPLASH!—publicans, on the other hand, were the dad with the—hack!—checkbook, saying, “Son, I respect your goals, but we sim—ssssssss… “Ah, the pause that refreshes!”—ply cannot afford them all. Let us choose some and re—squeek—visit the others later.” To my way of thinking— Ptttt!—both were needed and both needed each other. Nowa—“Oof! Uh!” [Ker-plunk!] “Ahh!”—days, however, the GOP stands for power, as—Wah! Wahh!—in accumulating as much as possible, damn—ptui!—those in the way. But, unlike the Dems, at least they stand—zzzzzzzzzz—for something.