Bad Santa 2008

As has been custom for many a year, a collection of prose, for the season, from a different point of view....

Twas the month before Obama
and all through the land
Democrats and Republicans
Joined in the F**k you America, band.
F**K fannie, f**k freddie, f**k AIG;
F**k Citi f**k Morgan and screw Goldman with glee!
Most of all, f**k Lehman and f**k old bear stearns;
With the largest f**kstick, probe till they yearn!


Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Looks like I'll be jerking off again.


Dear Johnnie:

Thanks for your letter;
(But I liked the way your Mom sucked my d**k much better!)
You asked about elves
and to this I reply,
Yes, I have them
until they all cry.
As the reindeer; of course they can fly!
The secret ingredient? Mrs Claus' pie.
How can I make that trip in a night?
Wild Turkey and Red Bull until I'm higher than a kite.
As for your present, you ask, in your Christmas sock
Of course, you shall have one! (next line too graphic...)


Dear Santa:

I left you a salad instead of Milk and Cookies. I'm worried about your cholesterol. Signed, Martha S.

Dear Martha S:

Thanks for the salad. I left you a big black dildo for you to go f**k yourself. Santa

Dear Santa:

Could you get me outta here before the 25th? Signed, Orenthal S.

Dear Orenthal S:

No problem. You should be meeting Johnnie C. soon - I'll set up an appointment for you.

Dear Santa:

I'm sick of this place. Signed, George B.

Dear George B:

I guess so! You sold it to a f******g ******!
(illini)

In Honor of President's Day

A little known list of some 'dirty little secrets', in honor of the day.....

1. George Washington, 1789-1797 – frequent snatch grabber
2. John Adams, 1797-1801 – had boils on his left testicle
3. Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809 – ‘spoke’ to the spirits of dead spleens
4. James Madison, 1809-1817 – dressed up like Dolly’s sister and played nurse
5. James Monroe, 1817-1825 – little known ‘doctrine of flatulence’
6. John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829 – friends called him JQ polyp popper
7. Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837 – known for his shadow puppet likeness of a dead wolverine
8. Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841 – discouraged when his pet rock urinated on his new shoes
9. William Henry Harrison, 1841 – smoked the wildwood weed with Dick Johnson
10. John Tyler, 1841-1845 – first foot fetish POTUS….
11. James Knox Polk, 1845-1849 – average guy in the list, but his **** tasted like ****
12. Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850 – spent hours pondering the asterisk
13. Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853 – GREATEST PRESIDENT NEVER ELECTED
14. Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857 – world class dingleberry collection
15. James Buchanan, 1857-1861 – kept saying ‘turd burglar’ during inaugural address
16. Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 – greatest Trombonist to ever sleep with Mary Todd
17. Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869 – spoke profanity in strict Elizabethan method
18. Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877 – had a doll collection all named “Jeffie Boy”
19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881 – breast fed until he was 42
20. James Abram Garfield, 1881 – first woman president
21. Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885 – invented the ‘festering puss’ sarsaparilla
22. Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889 – irritated parents by filing name change to “Kalamazoo”
23. Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893 – spanked pet gerbils before feedings
24. Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897 – sang in the tub, fully clothed
25. William McKinley, 1897-1901 – the original ‘heartbreak of psoriasis’
26. Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909 – ‘bully’ meant ‘fu**stick’
27. William Howard Taft, 1909-1913 – consumed his first VP candidate (and a side of gravy)
28. Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921 – until 1993, most practiced POTUS in the Kama Sutra
29. Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923 – collected toenails of former First Ladies
30. Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929 – bladder control issues highlighted his term
31. Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933 – bowel control issues highlighted his term
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945 – first POTUS to say ‘obnoxion’ in a speech
33. Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953 – kept opening the icebox after hearing the fruit ‘talk’
34. Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961 – first POTUS to bang Marilyn
35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963 – second POTUS to bang Marilyn
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969 – last POTUS to bang Marilyn (sick, I know)
37. Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974 – gambled away life savings on aardvark fights
38. Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977 – incredibly graceful, often did the samba naked
39. James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981 – largest porn collection of POTUS (until 1993)
40. Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989 – Originally named each of his children “Bonzo”
41. George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993 – liked to trick or treat dressed as M. Fillmore
42. William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001 – first non-inhaling virgin POTUS
43. George Walker Bush, 2001- thinks Iraq is just outside Coral Gables