Tax Day Advice (Actually Random Musings)

If I were ever talking to myself and then suddenly realized someone was in the next stall, I would pretend I was on a cell phone call and say, “You idiot! You do that and it won’t detonate!”

When ranking the melodiousness of 3^rd century dental ailments, I would have to place pericementitis first, although one could make a case for pulpitis.

I firmly believe that Speedy Gonzalez could beat the Road Runner in a short sprint (say, across a room), but would lose miserably at any distance over a half mile.

Mules blasted into outer space would be cool, unless one of them got injured. Then Houston would have to listen to wailing and braying until they got tired of it and exploded the rocket.

I don’t believe Einstein died of an aneurysm. I think he solved time travel, but the technology eventually got into the wrong hands and so, to cover their tracks, the bad guys went back in time and killed Big Al before he actually invented the very system they were using to murder him.

Based on their descriptions, one would think that hot fudge over ice cream was a dumb idea and auto racing would be cool, not the other way around.

If formal diagnostic testing could be used to help scrutinize the leftist leanings of those who like to dress up as albino armadillos, I would worry that the backhoe contingency would do little more than describe saucers of malt liquor.

Although most Americans don’t believe in dictatorships, you have to admit that it’s kind of cool how we might continue handing the presidency back and forth between 2 dysfunctional families.

Leap Day Thoughts

As February 29 only comes around every whatever it is (14 or 15 years?), it marks a perfect time to take a break from the mundane and contemplate life’s larger questions. As a public service, I will provide some concepts for our readers to wrap their minds around on this Leap Day 2008. Happy thinking.

How can the universe keep expanding? What’s out there beyond it? And if it’s nothing (not even space), what would that look like?

How can pi be infinite and the universe not?

If there are parallel universes, is there a me out there who didn’t tell Erika Elaniak to take a hike?

Can people really make deals with the devil? And if not, how do you explain David Lee Roth?

If diarrhea dehydrates you, would holding it in keep you moist?

Are there bowl games in heaven? If not, how do they waste away New Year’s Day?

When guys tell stories that involve taking a leak, why do they invariably hold their right hands like they’re gripping a can of Fosters?

Why didn’t they make crap a cuss word? It’s got 4 letters, it refers to a bodily function not discussed in polite company, and it sounds vulgar—in short, all the usual prerequisites for profanity. And yet, it never achieved such status.

Were down actually the dreams of black spotted puppies, would geese be any less mobile in the rain?

Why does armpit hair stop growing after it reaches a certain length?

What would happen if Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne were hunting each other down?

And finally,

If the backhoe contingency were followed to the letter, would basic delays of gamesmanship result in an infiltration of the obtuse combination of regulations known as flaggledrop?