Letter to the Editor: Trombonist Monthly

(We at Lincoln’s Trombone are proud to present this editorial and honored that our forum was chosen to break it first!)

Dear Ed:

I am a charter subscriber of your magazine. In fact, I can trace my family roots back to possession of the original Gutenberg edition of “die Holzblasinstrumente bumsen!” (Literally, **** the woodwinds) We have been loyal throughout the life span of the various publications that has become to be known as Trombonist Monthly (including “Sousaphone and sassafras”, “Trigger, the magazine for women trombonists” and more recently, “Slide Greasers”. It’s been a long and rewarding journey, UNTIL NOW।

I was incensed beyond reason to read your most recent editorial “Times be a changin!; Love a fellow woodwind”. The very thought of the words in this article bring bile to my throat (causing me to miss a high “C” when playing Moonlight Serenade at the local monthly karaoke and tuning meeting) It is simply too preposterous for words, but I shall persevere. It is a common belief, and has been since the invent of brass, that woodwinds are of lesser nobility (if at all noble), and good for only one thing (and I think you know what I mean). These ‘skirts’ of music provide much needed recreation and refreshment between sets. They do what they are told, they are subservient in all ways to us. In earlier days, dare I say it, they were ‘indentured’ to the brass.
The notion that they should be equal is ridiculous enough; the idea that they are to be equally loved and cherished is heresy। I caution to take care with your words. The last time this ‘notion’ was forward, it ended ugly in the spit valve incident of ‘53. I don’t think any of us want to return to that, do we? (I mean, for heaven’s sake, man, how do you compare fast fingering to the stroke of the slide?)

I have contacted the local 101st about this piece (of you know what)। Actions will be taken, up to and including CANCELLATION OF MY SUBSCRIPTION (yeah, you read that right).

I eagerly await your response in this space।

TROMBONISTS UNITE!

Jonas Slot