Giving Thanks

Ever been at Thanksgiving dinner when suddenly you’re asked what you’re thankful for and you have nothing to say? Next time, instead of looking like a dweeb in front of the entire extended family, use some or all of the following.

I’m thankful for…

• Seeing most of you only once a year

• Mom not making, for once, that crappy bean casserole no one ever eats

• Sewage pipes tough enough to handle the Thanksgiving J I’m soon to dislodge

• A day that people actually care about the Lions playing football

• Time travel (assuming you know about this)

• The statute of limitations on public nudity

• Learning to hit Ignore when people I used to hate request to be my Facebook friend

• Learning to hit Ignore when people I like request that I accept a drink or some sort of ****** plant

• 2 things: Internet porn and a limber left hand

And, finally:

• Lincoln’s Trombone, that’s what I’m ******* thankful for!

Overheard in the Caribbean

Look at those fat people getting’ off the cruise ship, mon! I surely feel sorry for their toilets!

Ever’ time I visit Bob Marley’s birthplace, I come back hungry.

Big Black Dick, meet my phosphorescent white a**!

Say something in Jamaican!

Do you tell time the same way we do?

Is this a nude beach or a giant prune farm?

Will trombonists of yesteryear update the backhoe contingency if no scattered winds enter the Rio territory?

This water is so clear I can see the wrinkles on my nut sac!

Why did you shave your nut sac?

Dear, cover up your nut sac. Goodness, we’re in public!

That rum cake went through me faster than Usain Bolt through owl sh**!