21 August 2007

Top Ten explanations for General Fester’s absence

1. Sold into slavery by the Duke in order to prevent his publishing of the essay: “Stammering: Proctological and Symphonic Perspectives”

2. Was caught doing the War Eagle chant in downtown Tuscaloosa and subsequently given the “Dueling Banjo” treatment by the locals

3. Hospitalized after ordering a GLBT by mistake at the Broken Spoke Saloon

4. Attending a symposium on the late 1950’s trombone movement known as the “Brass Ass”

5. In crisis emotional health care after realizing that Millard Fillmore was not chosen “Man of the Year” at any time during his term.

6. Interviewing a mime

7. Just couldn’t give up on the Harry Potter movement; was seen stalking Aunt Petunia.

8. Trapped by Yeat’s Beast yet again; forced to perform untoward acts of perversion involving Underwood’s deviled ham, Duncan Hines cake mix and a crazed yak named Patty.

9. Judging an internet fight between the UCLA Bruins and the USC Trojans about who is more ghey. (Unable to decide…)

10. Driving to South Dakota, viewing the blog, driving back so that SD was represented equally with equatorial Africa

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't suck up to Millard (or, as Abigail called him, "The Hammer"). Far more likely than any of these is that you were time traveling with Erik Estrada, ran into trouble, and finally escaped through the virtue of President Fillmore's badassness.

Anonymous said...

You guys are full of shit. Those idiot Auburn fans are far more likely to give the hot hard one. Sheesh. War Eagle? More like "can I get you fries with that order?"

Anonymous said...

Know what I use for lubrication?

Glee Club dingleberries.

Anonymous said...

Ewww!!! Nick, Sie sind sehr disgustmenten! Ich nearly mein chow geblowen!!

Anonymous said...

Put any of them faggots (usc, ucla, ala, aub) in the ACC, theyd be 6-5 teams every yr.