Dear General Fester: I have recently been pet shopping and have had trouble deciding which young pup would look best on my wall (in pictures, of course). My friends won't talk to me anymore (they found new, BETTER friends). Can you help? Also, any advice you might give on keeping a recent 'test' out of the public eye would be appreciated. Signed, Falcon Forever (PS: My agent helped me write this)
Dear Canine Hitman: I knew you didn't write this letter. You couldn't spell DOG if I spotted you the D and the G. Stay out of the f***ing pet store, fool. By the by, I understand you have Fluffy rated as a 3 point favorite over Spot? Bite me, Fly boy. Say hi to your brother. Maybe they will put you two together soon. I wouldn't worry about the test; I don't think anyone knows about it!
Dear General Fester: I recently was on a really cool TV show! It was AWESOME! I took the opportunity to yell at a bitch who had said some naughty things about one of my friends. Of course, it was all true (what she said), but I figured, since I was on TV, and my hair was especially spikey, that "what the hell?" Hell, a couple of the people in the audience (Mommy and Daddy) even clapped! Why doesn't anyone like me any more? I am really hawt and smart and I have all of my teeth! Signed: Coach G.
Dear Aggie: No one likes you now? Uh, earth to stoolwater: they never did......idiot. PS: When hand feeding children with teeth, be especially careful.
Dear General Fester: Why would people intentionally mispronounce someone's name? A 'friend' of mine, with a pretty unusual name, is being called "Satan" which sounds a LOT like his real name. In fact, a rather hurtful little song was written in this space with the word "Smegma" instead of my 'friend's' real name was posted recently? How do I make it stop? Signed: Rick Fabian
Dear Satan: Repeat after me: I (state your name) promise to never, ever, Dolphins, ever (repeat it) ever, Spartans, ever (repeat) ever, Tigers, ever (repeat) ever, GO F*CK YOURSELF, ever (repeat and go to beginning and repeat continuously until you feel better)
Dear General Fester: I am just a regular gal, wondering what it takes to get into your pants? It seems that Blow Me! is mostly made up of celebrities and sports people, not just regular people like me. Seriously, how do I get lucky? Signed: PSA
Dear google search engine queen: QUIT STALKING ME. It's over, baby......
CONFIDENTIAL TO JUICE MAN: Of course I believe you! I would want my gloves back, too!
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7 comments:
I had to use a fake name because I'm like famous. Not Nick Saban or Paris Hilton famous. Or even Carrot Top famous. I'm REALLY famous! Anyway, I've been like reading your columns and you seem like someone who would know stuff about like raising kids and stuff. Here's my situation: I'm like the most fun mom in the world. I don't work any more, which keeps me from getting old and like bogus and shit. I party, I skinny dip, I don't even bother wearing undies if I forget to like do the wash. Still, my ex-parasite wants to like take away my kid! What should I do?
Dear fat bald skank:
You aren't famous? Give us a break! Your puddin' pie has been seen by more men than the '72 superbowl! I wouldn't worry my pretty little head too much sweetie; you're kids are lot better off staying the night with Jacko. (BTW, Have you told your ex just how awesome his sound is? He rawks!)
Hey GF, I was wondering something: How would Mr. Estrada do at that stand-around-run-a-bit-stand-around-yet-more "game" you yanks call "football"?
Dear arse sucker,
Here's my opinion: While he might look good in uniform, he's pretty much a pussy without his gun and nightstick.
However, I took the time to phone "Mr. Estrada" (as you call him) and relay your question for his response, which is as follows:
"Hey you ****-sucking, tea loving faggot, welcome to GOD BLESS AMERICA. I suppose you are the soccer-head sort, the posh/beckham watch party, oh my gawd, the queen wore white after labor day type. Here are the all-time best and worst football movies and my thoughts:
Best Ever Football Movie:
Friday Night Lights. Pretty good flick, I could have been in there as Booby Miles and would have been better. I would have called him Ponch, though. And I would have made it about Utah, not Texas.
Worst Ever Football Movie:
Bend it Like Beckham. Ok, I trashed you pretty good about this already, but how much does this movie suck? I'm a damn good actor and I'm not sure I could have saved the bloody mess! I would have made it more urban with a lot of violence, featuring me with my shirt off and get rid of all the british chicks and maybe use Madonna as my love interest. Then, I would have made it more about real football and killed off all the soccer guys in a bus accident or something.
I think you all should know that my palmist says that her tarot readers numerologist told her to tell him to tell me that I was very likely to win some sort of major award for a sports movie in the not to distant future. Nuff said."
Dear GenFes:
I got a brother who WAHHHHH! I say WAHHHHH!! I mean WAAAAHHHH!!!! Aw rite Aw rite Aw rite Aw rite Aw rite Aw rite Aw rite!!
YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Where you at on this shit (oh yeah, I said 'shit'! I ain't afraid of sayin shit!! Anyone who say I afraid of sayin shit will only say it once, you know what I'm sayin bitch????!!!!!)?
Dear Gonzo, the Whackmaster:
I can take your shit...YEAAAA BABY WAAAHHHH.... RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKK ONNNNNNNNNNN! How's that you little punk-ass biaaaaaaaaaaaatch?
I've GOT A CAT SCRATCH FEVER and the only prescription is a FREE FOR ALL, YEAH!!!!!
Seriously, aren't you 60 now? Why don't you and your DAMN YANKEES take a shotgun and jack up one of Fly-boys dogs?
PS: Michigan SUCKS ASS!
Thank you for your help!
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