The Godfather
Supposedly one of the greatest movies of all time. I say bullsh*t. Jon and I would have arrested the little rat bastard in a high speed chase, sans shirts. After the chase, with my bare heaving six-pack glistening in the sun, I would have said: "Looking for cannoli? Here's an offer you can't refuse: you're under arrest!"
You've Got Mail
I really like this movie. I cry every time I see it. It brings out the sensitive side in me. My astrologer says that it's tough to have jupiter in gemini and I shouldn't be worried about wearing a terri cloth robe and smelling sharpened pencils. Jon and I like to watch it together, with tissue and lots of lotion handy.
Caged Fury
Definitely my favorite movie of all time. I love women in prison. I love seeing myself in great roles that stretch my acting abilities. I really liked the part where the mime kind of randomly walks through the scene (with the monkey in the cage!). That was my idea; it made the movie more artsy. I had a big argument with the producers about my pulling a hammy right before the big prison escape scene. They said it was more believable that the sister from Oregon broke into and saved the day, since it was an all-girls prison anyway. I wanted to show off my Spanish, too, but they just told me to shut up and take my shirt off! It was awesome!
Spiderman I, II and III
Crap, crappier, crappiest. Who would believe that Seabiscuit's jockey would save the day? He's a f***ing nerd! I thought I should play Peter Parker. I have a much better body for the part and a much better Peter Parker, I've been told. (Get it? that was one of my funny jokes) I think my latino hotness would have been so much better. No way I'm an idiot photographer, though. I would have banged that high school chick rotten.
Interview with a Vampire
I love this movie! It has blood and stuff and I think Brad Pitt is totally hot. I think a bloody faced Tom Cruise may be the most sexy thing I've seen, since I watched the Chips reruns with my shirt off (did I say that again? ooops! LOL! I can't stop myself). It also has a younger version of the chick I would have banged in Spiderman. The only thing I didn't like about it is that there are no motorcycles, and of course, the fact that I'm not in it.
Oldie of the Week: Casablanca
Total piece of crap. My numerologist told me to watch it because of something that my online tarot reading said. When that happens, I always do it. But damn it, I couldn't get my tv to work. There wasn't any color and it was in English. I finally just gave up and watched the stupid thing. No motorcycles, no ME WITH MY SHIRT OFF, no funny stuff or naked women. Again, I would have banged the sh*t outta the girl and put her on the f***ing plane crying, like he did, except for the fact she would be crying in pain and knowing she would never have Ponch again, if you hear what I'm saying.
I've got to go now. I've got my daily hair appointment and then my astrologer told me I needed to go try out for some dancing show that I know is bullsh*t. Send me your movie ideas or questions and I'll do my best to answer them. Don't even think about it if you are a Taurus with a rising sign of Leo. I'll kick your mother f***ing a** for even thinking about it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Erik: I recently watched "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?" While the cinematography and wardrobe work were obviously superb, I couldn't help but wonder if Steckler and Kevke could have further developed Jerry's zombie character. I'm really on the fence as whether to give this one a thumbs up or down. What do you think?
P.S. The only reason I never appeared on your show is because I thought it sucked.
Dear Ed:
I liked that movie a lot other than the fact I was not in it, which would have made it better. I could have played all the roles, kind of like Peter Sellers did in that one movie that I forget the name of (sort of like parent trap, but not). It was awesome. I think I could do that (unless I had to be fat or something).
You suck for not being on my show. I had you penciled in for my gruff captain that was tough, but you found out he was really gay. Confidentially, though: Did you bang that MTM chick? I did... not bad for an older broad....
What do you think of the movie Rumors? I'm asking because you sure like to spread them (and, I might add, that's the ONLY thing you spread)!
Oh quit acting like a saint, Mary. Even Ted Baxter(God rest) shagged you rotten. And don't tell us you and DVD weren't doing the saturday hummer, even in those twin beds....
Erik:
3 Godfathers and only 2 Weekend at Bernie's. Where's the justice?
P.S. I've never attacked you because, if I did, the other zombies would make fun of me (because you suck).
Post a Comment