Were I a time traveler, I would go back to my sixteenth year and re-pop that one unforgettable zit. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that it splashed so intensely I looked as if I’d gone face-first into a vat of mayonnaise.
Good times.
Once that mission was complete, I would go to the early 1800s and explore, just like Lewis & Clark. For companions, I would bring Caroline of Brunswick, who was Queen of Britain for about 10 minutes right around 1820, and, of course, Klaus Meine, lead singer for the Scorpions. It seems like the perfect combo: Klaus and I could talk about ‘70’s music (“My name is Michael, I’ve got a nickel? What the hell was that?” “No, wait! I got a better one: ‘I’m not Leeee-sa…’”), we’d have someone from the century we were in to guide us (Lady Caroline), we’d have a woman’s point of view (Caroline again), and, based upon historical reports, the woman in question would be so exceedingly repulsive that any thought of sexual tension (which can ruin the best of exploring) would be laughable.
The dangers faced by Lewis & Clark—new diseases, hungry wildlife, fierce warriors, and such—are admittedly more than the 3 of us could handle. So rather than exploring uncharted America, we would instead blow air horns at Thomas Paine’s funeral.
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4 comments:
In what year was Base Ball invented?
Good point, Ian. Surely within my lifetime if I add the remaining span to the year Paine croaked. But, and this is key, I wouldn't want to miss the 2003 World Cup Rugby final, if you catch my drift.
I'm pretty sure I would have gone with Cobain and Sacagawea.
I don't know, anonymous. I'd be a little afraid of too much "Courtney could light up a room with her smile" or "I loved how Courtney wasn't afraid to give anyone the finger" or "Courtney made such a cute little face every time she jammed a peyote button up her ass", ad nauseum.
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