Contemplating Gouda

I've spent a lot of time lately consuming various cheeses as scientific research. How, specifically, does each varietal impact the following: Mood, Bowels and Embouchure. (I briefly considered testing each for tensile strength and general knowledge of botany, but I was talked out of it by my pet turtle, Sparkle, who despite his appearance is quite the man about town and possesses a razor-sharp wit.) Results were tested in a double-blind method using 'exhaustive' procedures, discounting the possible permutations involved in both seasonal and regional bias. Striving for optimal results, maximum testing efficiency (conformity assessment) was utilized. Basically, I went to the store, bought the cheese and ate it.

Frankly, I was surprised by the range of results. Many had virtually no effect on any of the three above mentioned study parameters; swiss, goat, gorgonzola, muenster (though some spotting of the 'bowl' was noted with the latter). Edom, Camembert and Brie elicited responses of spontaneous laughter followed by bouts of rage and the general inability to hit a high "C" on command (though the frito chili pie at lunch might have skewed the results). Stilton and marscapone made me down right pissy both figuratively and literally.

But Gouda, dear God, holy mother Mary, all the saints and Mary....Beemster X.O. (extra DOUBLE aged Gouda), elicits what I would term a virtually sexual response. It was provocative in only the way something that rots for 18 months can be. It was arousing (yes, I got laid that night). Almost better than the night before was the virtually perfect, 10 point beauty of a BM that graced my morning after; better than an empty bed (or waffles!). Beautiful and breathtaking (again, figuratively and literally). Were that not enough, I wailed the rest of the morning on my Bach Concert Series Trombone as if I were a child again. If Beemster X.O. were a woman....scratch that.....if Beemster X.O. were a tree.....scratch that......If Beemster X.O. were President....well, we might have a new namesake on the blog......