Halloween Costumes You Can Make at Home

Guy with butter knife imbedded in his hand

Stripper looking for her pole

Mr. Band-Aid Moustache

Mrs. Lost Pants

Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler

David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)

A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs

The Abominable Nosebleed

Coagulated Vaseline

Joe the Plumber

Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)

Mark the Congressman (requires candy)

A prison whore with a purty mouth

Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)

Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)

A Floridian Visits Tampa

I was told to visit 4 places. That’s right, these were the recommendations; the best Tampa has to offer.

1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.

2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!

3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.

4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.