How to be an Internet Asshole

Step 1. Get drunk.

Step 2. Post something stupid. And don't pretend you don't know how. You've seen the posts. "Obama got into Harvard on a Muslim scholarship. It's been verified!" or "Christie can't relate to me cause all the fat **** does is suck on his diabetic sores! I hope he dies!" If you're still stuck, use this formula: Choose a country, state, town, team, civic organization, church, or random building and announce that we should "burn the f***** place to the ground!"

Step 3. Take the resulting flak. When anonymous Internet responses begin with "Suck cocks in hell you f**** asshole" you know you've done steps 1 & 2 correctly.

Step 4. Sober up. Realize you crossed the line. Time to rally!

Step 5. Post that you never really believed what you said in step 2. Rather, you were just trying to get people talking about such an important matter.

Step 6. Sit back and watch as the ever-present flak gets balanced with some sympathy and even support. Someone will comment on the "guts" it took to post something so "provocative." This will momentarily confuse you until you realize it is simply a reference to your stupid post by somebody even stupider.

Step 7. After reading everything that everyone said about you, state that you don't really care what anyone says about you.

Step 8. Repeat step 7. Often. Make certain that everyone knows that you don't care what anyone thinks. 

Step 9. Go back to step 1. Repeat sequence with a new stupid opinion.


One final note: This same basic sequence works for sportswriters who give away their Baseball Hall of Fame vote.