A New Yorker Visits New York

I was recently forced to visit the fair (as in average) city of New York. Quite a place, this metropolis—sort of a Toledo in drag. What follows is a run-down of my excursion.

On a recommendation of someone from whom I will never again take advice, I dropped by the Museum of Natural History. The animal exhibit was really something—for anyone who has never seen actual animals! Hey, New Yorkers, it's called a zoo! It has real creatures and they’re alive!

Getting out of the museum as quickly as possible, I walked through a field of barren trees and hookers that the locals call Central Park. From there I took a filthy subway to FAO Schwartz, thinking a toy store might be fun. And it might have been, had any of the overpriced exhibits worked. As it was, I witnessed such an abundance of overacting and saccharine cutesiness that I contracted diabetes.

No worries; I was hungry anyway, so I dined in a real New York deli. And let me tell you, it was some of the finest stale bread and indiscernible meat I ever gagged down. Actually, "dined" may be the wrong word to use for food that becomes projectile diarrhea that quickly.

The locals are quite proud of a large statue in their harbor. What the hell, I thought. Why not?

I'll tell you why not: 1200 people in a boat that could comfortably seat perhaps 35. From there it gets worse, a combination of water, cold, wind, and stairs that lead to basically the same view I had from the ground. Oh yes, then another boat ride.

All in all, a miserable experience, though not an unexpected one. Remember, readers, to find me next week when I visit some backwater known as Disney World.