“There any asswipe on your side?”
“Hey pal, why the hell didn’t you check before taking a—wait a sec! PA, is that you?”
[giggle] “Oh you! I was trying to disguise my voice!”
“Never mind that—what the hell are you doing in the men’s room?”
“It’s quicker.”
“But you can’t be in here.”
“It’s quicker.”
“It’s not for you!”
“It’s quicker.”
“Never mind. Just—”
[ppppp ppppp pppplack]
“—What the hell was that?”
“Sorry—poultry.”
“Whoa! Smells like roadkill. What did you eat-a raw chicken?”
[giggle] “Come on. It’s not supposed to be, like, lemony fresh, now is it?”
“Jeez, I got to get out of here. We have a game in 15 minutes.”
“You’re a tennis coach.”
“So?”
“I’m no expert, but I remember them being called matches.”
“Here’s a match: your face and my—“
“Just give me some TP. Please.”
“OK, here.”
[ppppppppppplllaaaacckkkkk]
“On second thought, never mind.”
“Oh come on RC!”
[ppp ppp ppplack ppplack]
“Forget it. I’m not putting my hand any closer to that crapfest than necessary.”
“Well what am I supposed to use?”
“Got any turds?”
“Uh, of course.”
“There yuh go.”
“I’m supposed to wipe my ass with a turd?”
“Why not?”
“Well, just off the top of my head, it would seem that I would be augmenting, as it were, the very substance I’m trying to remove, thereby—”
“Just do it!”
“OK, OK. Keep your pants on.”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, figure of speech.”
“Look, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that if you really believe something is true, then it is. It’s called visuali- victuals-, vaginal-... It doesn’t matter what it’s called. Just grab the turd and start wiping!”
“Fine! I’ll do it! Never let it be said that I won’t do exactly as I’m told!”
[splash]
“Uh…PA…you OK?”
“This is icky. It fell apart in my hands.”
“Hmm, sounds like you need more protein in your diet. Try a Power Bar.”
[plop]
“Oh yuck!”
“Now what?”
“I made a bigger mess than I started with.”
“You didn’t believe, did you?”
“I did believe!”
“But did you really believe? ‘Cause if you had really believed that turd was toilet paper, you’d have wiped your ass clean.”
“I did, I did believe! I swear!”
“Just get dressed and get out of here.”
“But what about the skid marks up and down my vertical smile?”
“What about them?”
“For one thing, they smell.”
“Nobody will notice.”
“They won’t?”
“Not if you want it bad enough!”
“Oh, OK. Thanks!”
[flush]
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
This is so unfair. In my career, I’ve worked with probably half a dozen Interim Admin’s and only a few of them were complete idiots!
When I picture my last PA's fat wrinkly ass sitting on the can all decorated with mud slides, I just want to... friggin... spew! ...BRAAACK!
If a f*cking PA tried to use my toilet paper, I would pull an OJ move on their ass.
OK, here's the plot for my next project: University dean, who is so far out of touch with reality, promotes the most disgusting chick on the planet to head a department. She's got her nose so f*cking far up his a$$ that she tries to eliminate the real 'hero' (played by ME of, course) as a 'budget cut'. At first, the hawt chick (Loni Anderson) professor convinces me to try meetings and shit, but finally, I just off the poor c*nt in a climactic chase scene through the faculty lounge.
I think it's a winner, but the studio said it's bullsh*t and that no real life person would ever cut profitable personnel as a budget cut. I was like "what the f*ck?" and I hit the bastard in the chops...damn studio PA's....
RC and PA should get the lead roles when they eventually do a movie about the Bill Maher - Ann Coulter debates. E2 could play Anderson Cooper or Mario Lopez or whoever the hell is going to moderate.
This is bullshat! I'm a 'replacvement coach' and I know how to talk good as hell.
I'm no literary critic, at least not by trade, although many have speculated that it might be my true calling. Be that as it may, I offer this beazumus: Projectile diarrhea would have greatly enhanced this story.
Post a Comment