How to be an Internet Asshole

Step 1. Get drunk.

Step 2. Post something stupid. And don't pretend you don't know how. You've seen the posts. "Obama got into Harvard on a Muslim scholarship. It's been verified!" or "Christie can't relate to me cause all the fat **** does is suck on his diabetic sores! I hope he dies!" If you're still stuck, use this formula: Choose a country, state, town, team, civic organization, church, or random building and announce that we should "burn the f***** place to the ground!"

Step 3. Take the resulting flak. When anonymous Internet responses begin with "Suck cocks in hell you f**** asshole" you know you've done steps 1 & 2 correctly.

Step 4. Sober up. Realize you crossed the line. Time to rally!

Step 5. Post that you never really believed what you said in step 2. Rather, you were just trying to get people talking about such an important matter.

Step 6. Sit back and watch as the ever-present flak gets balanced with some sympathy and even support. Someone will comment on the "guts" it took to post something so "provocative." This will momentarily confuse you until you realize it is simply a reference to your stupid post by somebody even stupider.

Step 7. After reading everything that everyone said about you, state that you don't really care what anyone says about you.

Step 8. Repeat step 7. Often. Make certain that everyone knows that you don't care what anyone thinks. 

Step 9. Go back to step 1. Repeat sequence with a new stupid opinion.


One final note: This same basic sequence works for sportswriters who give away their Baseball Hall of Fame vote.

Halloween Costumes You Can Make at Home

Guy with butter knife imbedded in his hand

Stripper looking for her pole

Mr. Band-Aid Moustache

Mrs. Lost Pants

Football fan who dresses his wiener like Kenny Stabler

David Letterman (requires dental equipment and condoms)

A head floating in a trash bag of Cocoa Puffs

The Abominable Nosebleed

Coagulated Vaseline

Joe the Plumber

Mark the Governor (requires hiking boots)

Mark the Congressman (requires candy)

A prison whore with a purty mouth

Sarah Palin (just wear your glasses & say stupid things)

Barack Obama (this one works better if you’re the one who stays home and hands out the candy)

Af-Am Veterans for Truth Raise Questions About Obama

A group calling themselves “African-American Veterans for Truth” is questioning the veracity of Barack Obama’s assertion that he is of African ancestry. Claiming to be former colleagues of the Illinois senator, this newly formed organization is going public with what they term “the real story.”

The leader of the group, who goes only by the name “Cement Head,” had this to say about the presidential candidate: “It’s falsehood, that’s all it is, claiming to be African-American when you’re clearly not. It would be like a stapler pretending to be wiffle ball, you know?” Other members chimed in on the topic as well.

“He’s not been honest with America,” said one unidentified woman. “We have what I consider sound evidence that he watches NASCAR.”

“A friend of mine knows someone who heard Lee Greenwood coming from his car stereo,” added a middle aged man who wished to be identified as H. “All I’ll say is the next time somebody says ‘all African-Americans raise your hands,’ you can bet he won’t.”

Although admitting he never met Obama, or saw him in person, Cement Head stated that he grew up “just a few states” from Illinois and that he “knows and hears shit.” He was not as quick to respond to the question of why his group is called “African-American Veterans for Truth” when neither he nor any of his cohorts are black.

“Now Obama can see what it’s like,” he finally opined, adding that “at least one” of the members is a veteran.

“So we’re basically representing ourselves honestly.”