A Floridian Visits Tampa

I was told to visit 4 places. That’s right, these were the recommendations; the best Tampa has to offer.

1. Busch Gardens—unsightly roller coasters, shows featuring local theater dropouts, and grease shaped to resemble food. At least the diarrhea was interesting.

2. USF—why are they called the Bulls? Given the look of the campus, they should be nicknamed Nothing But Cement. Students pointed out that there’s a stream winding through the quad. Turtles and ducks: Whoop-de-damn-do!

3. MOSI—sorry, but this is simply the dumbest acronym any Science Museum has ever cooked up. On the other hand, it does accurately describe the speed at which the unwashed patrons move through the dated exhibits.

4. Tampa Aquarium—last and least is this oversized collection of swamp life. Somebody please kill me.

A Floridian visits Disney

All right readers; let’s get this over with so we can move on to something more important. Navel lint, for example.

Here’s all you need to know about the 4 parks.

Magic Kingdom: Creepy oversized characters and a roller coaster that would be tolerable were not all the suspense removed by placing it under a darkened dome. Oh—that other ride where they strap you in so an alien can spit on you? Pass.

Hollywood Studios: Another unlit roller coaster (what’s the deal?), only this time riders get to hear Aerosmith filler songs at a volume level of distortion as they twist along undaunting loops. All told, this park is about as Hollywood as a NASCAR double-wide.

Animal Kingdom: Sort of like a zoo, but without any real proximity to animals.

Epcot: The front is dominated by a giant Titleist that houses the slowest park ride in captivity. The back has an international flavor, provided you believe that Denmark borders China.

Tune in next time readers, as I give this column a truly international flavor!