16 June 2010
World Cup Forum
Given that LT has such a widespread international readership, along with the fact that the planet’s largest global competition is currently being played out in South Africa, we thought this would be an ideal time to turn over a thread to our fans. So what are your thoughts on the World Cup?
12 June 2010
05 June 2010
WTF! Saturday
We at Lincoln's Trombone have been accused from time to time of exaggeration.
This time, though, no bull, THIS is a MOUTHFUL.....
01 June 2010
Ranking Nothing in Particular
What a difference my teeth make!
Top 5, last time I brushed:
1. ‘I Like Ike’ buttons taught to French kiss
2. Stew that’s all, like, salty for the wrong reasons, know what I’m sayin’?
3. The overlap of concentric circles representing the Franklin Mint and armpit odor
4. Porcelain counter tops that amplify electronic flatulence
5. Middle management techniques that include saying “Wonka wonka wonka” while swallowing junior mints
Top 5, week of, 2010:
1. Overheard in 1958: “That right fielder of the Tigers looks like he’d have some mighty dee-lish spleen juice!”
2. Mountain bikers who wipe their bums with liquid nails
3. Links pertaining to, but not directly referencing, pepper-stained ovaries
4. Seaside gentlemen who seem exceedingly sensitive about their whiskey-scented urine
5. Final French fish that isn’t a rock reference?
Top 5, last time I brushed:
1. ‘I Like Ike’ buttons taught to French kiss
2. Stew that’s all, like, salty for the wrong reasons, know what I’m sayin’?
3. The overlap of concentric circles representing the Franklin Mint and armpit odor
4. Porcelain counter tops that amplify electronic flatulence
5. Middle management techniques that include saying “Wonka wonka wonka” while swallowing junior mints
Top 5, week of, 2010:
1. Overheard in 1958: “That right fielder of the Tigers looks like he’d have some mighty dee-lish spleen juice!”
2. Mountain bikers who wipe their bums with liquid nails
3. Links pertaining to, but not directly referencing, pepper-stained ovaries
4. Seaside gentlemen who seem exceedingly sensitive about their whiskey-scented urine
5. Final French fish that isn’t a rock reference?
22 May 2010
20 May 2010
More Musings about Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll
While not denying their accomplishments, “Beatles” was a really stupid name for a band.
Ted Nugent was born to play guitar. And, it’s now clear, that’s all.
Chuck Berry only seems to sing George Thorogood songs.
In retrospect, Duran Duran still sucks.
Unlike Stealer’s Wheel, I’ve never experienced difficulty keeping this mouth on my face.
Ted Nugent was born to play guitar. And, it’s now clear, that’s all.
Chuck Berry only seems to sing George Thorogood songs.
In retrospect, Duran Duran still sucks.
Unlike Stealer’s Wheel, I’ve never experienced difficulty keeping this mouth on my face.
13 May 2010
Musings About Classic Rock ‘n’ Roll
Too many life-is-so-hard-on-the-road songs. Just play your rock ‘n’ roll, spend your millions, and quit whining.
Lynyrd Skynyrd wins the award for band that looks the most like their own fans.
Why did Bread’s collective girlfriend keep leaving her diary underneath a tree?
And why did Steve Miller get on the big ol’ jet airliner if he 1) didn’t want to go too far away and 2) didn’t know where it was taking him?
Finally, the biggest question of all: I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so, satisfied, I’m on my way...WTF?!
Lynyrd Skynyrd wins the award for band that looks the most like their own fans.
Why did Bread’s collective girlfriend keep leaving her diary underneath a tree?
And why did Steve Miller get on the big ol’ jet airliner if he 1) didn’t want to go too far away and 2) didn’t know where it was taking him?
Finally, the biggest question of all: I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so, satisfied, I’m on my way...WTF?!
08 May 2010
WTF! Saturday
A couple of thoughts come to our minds:
1. Does he duck when they throw the gun?
2. Whatever happened to I and II?
04 May 2010
Seemingly Innocuous Phrases That Seem Suggestive When Followed by a “This” Response
We’re going to vacation in Palm Springs. (“Palm this.”)
Just a lick and a promise. (“Lick this.”)
Plants feed via the process of photosynthesis. (“Photosynthesize this.”) (Admittedly, this one makes no sense.)
Get a grip. (Grip—oh, you get the idea.)
You just want your ego stroked.
Rise and shine!
Want some gum?
Son, you’re getting mouthy.
Don’t bite off more than you can chew.
Think you can handle it?
Close the clasp.
When life presents you with an opportunity, grab it!
Just a lick and a promise. (“Lick this.”)
Plants feed via the process of photosynthesis. (“Photosynthesize this.”) (Admittedly, this one makes no sense.)
Get a grip. (Grip—oh, you get the idea.)
You just want your ego stroked.
Rise and shine!
Want some gum?
Son, you’re getting mouthy.
Don’t bite off more than you can chew.
Think you can handle it?
Close the clasp.
When life presents you with an opportunity, grab it!
01 May 2010
29 April 2010
Final: Secretariat vs. 1972 Dolphins
The mighty Fins barely avoided an upset in the semis. Determined to up their intensity, they come out firing in the final. Big Red weathers the initial storm, but just barely, carrying a sizable deficit into the second period. At that juncture, however, Big Mo changes jerseys and Secretariat actually takes the lead just before the half. Miami attempts a trick play as time runs out, but they quickly realize that they’ve never been up against a defense as smart as this. Bailed out by yet another favorable call, however, the Dolphins score off an error and manage a halftime tie.
The Fins begin the second half with trash talk and posturing. Secretariat goes up by 10. Miami tries some deception. Secretariat by 20. The Dolphins get back to basics. Secretariat by 30. Miami gives up. At this point, oddly, the gap closes as Big Red takes pity on his undermanned opponent. Red then clowns his way through the final period, juggling and break dancing instead of playing. Mercifully for Miami, the spectators, and the record-setting TV audience, time runs out on yet another easy Secretariat win.
The Fins begin the second half with trash talk and posturing. Secretariat goes up by 10. Miami tries some deception. Secretariat by 20. The Dolphins get back to basics. Secretariat by 30. Miami gives up. At this point, oddly, the gap closes as Big Red takes pity on his undermanned opponent. Red then clowns his way through the final period, juggling and break dancing instead of playing. Mercifully for Miami, the spectators, and the record-setting TV audience, time runs out on yet another easy Secretariat win.
24 April 2010
19 April 2010
Ranking Nothing in Particular
What a difference Lincoln’s Trombone makes!
Top 5, week of June 6, 2007:
1. The juicer that may or may not be attached to Al Kaline’s spleen
2. Guys who say “Been a business doin’ pleasure with ya’” just before they vomit on your necktie
3. Those booger-like things you sometimes find in your eyes
4. “More bedrock, Flight Commander?”
5. Primal scream therapy that sounds suspiciously like frat house hooting
Top 5, week of April 19, 2010:
1. Al Kaline’s spleen juice
2. Mopeds divorced from Nick Saban’s outhouse vantage point
3. Guys whose nose hairs remind you of tall guys with poor posture
4. Sexual positions recommended by Ruth Bader Ginsburg
5. French final fish—what once was thought to be…etc.
Top 5, week of June 6, 2007:
1. The juicer that may or may not be attached to Al Kaline’s spleen
2. Guys who say “Been a business doin’ pleasure with ya’” just before they vomit on your necktie
3. Those booger-like things you sometimes find in your eyes
4. “More bedrock, Flight Commander?”
5. Primal scream therapy that sounds suspiciously like frat house hooting
Top 5, week of April 19, 2010:
1. Al Kaline’s spleen juice
2. Mopeds divorced from Nick Saban’s outhouse vantage point
3. Guys whose nose hairs remind you of tall guys with poor posture
4. Sexual positions recommended by Ruth Bader Ginsburg
5. French final fish—what once was thought to be…etc.
17 April 2010
WTF! Saturday
Guess we never thought about asking the Saviour of the Universe "How's it hangin'?"....
15 April 2010
14 April 2010
Rejected Tax Deductions
1. Weight gain therapy for consuming food while watching the commercials during the Biggest Loser.
2. Tuition to the Erik Estrada dramatic acting school.
3. Losses incurred from the treatment of sexual disease given to you by your cousin (or cousin's farm animal - Arkansas only...)
4. Spit valve reconstruction therapy using any method other than Loebig/Muncy.
5. Removal of Al Kaline's spleen
6. Any deduction for adding 'in bed' to the end of a sentence. (will be criminally prosecuted)
7. Claims for lost work time due to re-enacting Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (unless prescribed by a physician)
8. Social hick talking lessons
11 April 2010
WTF! Saturday Special Sunday Edition...
I'm going to Thailand before they outlaw this noble sport....
10 April 2010
08 April 2010
Speaking of Golf...
If you're ever close to the green and can't remember which clubs to take out of the bag, we at LT have composed a song to help you remember (to the tune of Sinatra's whatever-the-hell-that-song-is-called):
Wedge and putter,
Wedge and putter,
Go together like
Bread and butter...
(Actually, that's all we've written so far.)
Wedge and putter,
Wedge and putter,
Go together like
Bread and butter...
(Actually, that's all we've written so far.)
06 April 2010
Sayings that change when golf isn't on the tube...
5. "I think the rough needs trimming..."
4. "I'm dropping off my bag at the club..."
3. "I wouldn't lick your balls like that."
2. "His shaft isn't stiff enough..."
1. "Tiger really is finding the hole this week...."
04 April 2010
A Carolina Easter Poem
In honor of Duke making the national championship game, here's an Easter poem from the Tarheel state (or whatever the hell it's called):
This ain't the day fur deer or pigs
Cuz I is huntin Easter iggs!
This ain't the day fur deer or pigs
Cuz I is huntin Easter iggs!
02 April 2010
01 April 2010
On FaceBook, Every Day is April Fool’s Day
Here are some of the favored pranks you can try:
Find a picture of a wineglass butt (females) or 6-pack abs (males) to use as your profile
Use the words “my son” and “state championship” in numerous posts
State that you rarely have time for FB, even though everyone can see via the chat feature that you’re full of shit
Track down old flames, then act surprised to find them there
Give BS examples of how your kids are oh-so perfectly smart
Express your 6th grade political views with such vehemence that people actually think you know what the hell you’re talking about
Call yourself a “playa” from the safety of Mom’s basement computer
Find a picture of a wineglass butt (females) or 6-pack abs (males) to use as your profile
Use the words “my son” and “state championship” in numerous posts
State that you rarely have time for FB, even though everyone can see via the chat feature that you’re full of shit
Track down old flames, then act surprised to find them there
Give BS examples of how your kids are oh-so perfectly smart
Express your 6th grade political views with such vehemence that people actually think you know what the hell you’re talking about
Call yourself a “playa” from the safety of Mom’s basement computer
30 March 2010
27 March 2010
25 March 2010
Union Label!
Yes, we are getting organized here at Lincoln's Trombone. Based on popular demand, we are beginning the first ever North American Mariachi/Trombonists Union. NAMTU (or AI YI YI YI BLAT, as it will be known) will cover the extensive and underrepresented Mariachi Trombonist.
Sign up and pay your dues today. Casa Bonita awaits!
19 March 2010
Best Trumpet Solos Heard in New Orleans This Month
1. duh duh duh duh DUNH-NUNH!
2. ban a na na na na na na na…BWONK!
3. bwee bwee bweeeeee bweep
4. wonk wonk Bwap wonk wonk (repeat)
5. do do do doooo THWOMP!
2. ban a na na na na na na na…BWONK!
3. bwee bwee bweeeeee bweep
4. wonk wonk Bwap wonk wonk (repeat)
5. do do do doooo THWOMP!
01 March 2010
City Challenge #13: Port Lucaya vs. Kibungo
Friendliness of the people:
Respect for everyone vs. disdain for tourists
Solid edge to Kibungo
Cost:
8 buck for milk vs 60 cent cabs
Another clear edge to Kibungo
Velocity at which food blasts through your digestive system:
Greasy division: Port Lucaya
Spicy division: Kibungo
Women:
Locals in wraps vs tourists in bikinis
No brainer to PL here. In fact, they get 2 for this one.
Roadways:
The K’o drivers are aggressive, but at least they drive on the correct side of the road.
TV:
5 channels vs 3 ESPNs
Edge to PL
Scenery:
Kibungo is beautiful, but everybody knows beaches trump mountains
Wildlife:
Running with zebras vs swimming with dolphins
Tie
Climate:
Cool year round vs ‘What the hell kind of sweat box is this?’
Edge to K’o
Music:
Rwandan music is nice, but, come on, man: PL has kettle drums!
Currency:
Bahamian is interchangeable with US. Still, it doesn’t have gorillas on it.
Aggressiveness of the market sellers:
They’re insistent in PL, but it’s strictly A ball compared to the major leagues of Ko.
Pollution:
Littered beaches vs air that smells like diesel
Edge to PL only because they’re at least making some attempt to clean the beaches
Accents:
French vs understandable
Edge to PL
Winner: Port Lucaya 8-7. They move on to the round of 512.
Respect for everyone vs. disdain for tourists
Solid edge to Kibungo
Cost:
8 buck for milk vs 60 cent cabs
Another clear edge to Kibungo
Velocity at which food blasts through your digestive system:
Greasy division: Port Lucaya
Spicy division: Kibungo
Women:
Locals in wraps vs tourists in bikinis
No brainer to PL here. In fact, they get 2 for this one.
Roadways:
The K’o drivers are aggressive, but at least they drive on the correct side of the road.
TV:
5 channels vs 3 ESPNs
Edge to PL
Scenery:
Kibungo is beautiful, but everybody knows beaches trump mountains
Wildlife:
Running with zebras vs swimming with dolphins
Tie
Climate:
Cool year round vs ‘What the hell kind of sweat box is this?’
Edge to K’o
Music:
Rwandan music is nice, but, come on, man: PL has kettle drums!
Currency:
Bahamian is interchangeable with US. Still, it doesn’t have gorillas on it.
Aggressiveness of the market sellers:
They’re insistent in PL, but it’s strictly A ball compared to the major leagues of Ko.
Pollution:
Littered beaches vs air that smells like diesel
Edge to PL only because they’re at least making some attempt to clean the beaches
Accents:
French vs understandable
Edge to PL
Winner: Port Lucaya 8-7. They move on to the round of 512.
18 February 2010
01 February 2010
The 5 Most Overrated Rivalries
1. Red Sox-Yankees
They play each other what?—18 times a year? Hey ESPN, stop pretending that every one of them is an event! Nobody outside of New England gives a crap.
2. Auburn-Alabama
Such intensity! Such hatred! Such rooting for one another the rest of the year for the glory of the good ol’ SEC!! Duke-UNC you guys ain’t.
3. Evert-Navratilova
Martina went oh for her fat years. Once she got in shape, MarNav laid Chrissie out like Greg Norman on Viagra.
4. Army-Navy
Admirable students at important universities, but the football game has become a big yawner. Quick—who won last year? Yeah, I don’t know either.
5. Duquesne-Fordham
The Dukes rock. Fordham is suck. ‘Nuff said.
They play each other what?—18 times a year? Hey ESPN, stop pretending that every one of them is an event! Nobody outside of New England gives a crap.
2. Auburn-Alabama
Such intensity! Such hatred! Such rooting for one another the rest of the year for the glory of the good ol’ SEC!! Duke-UNC you guys ain’t.
3. Evert-Navratilova
Martina went oh for her fat years. Once she got in shape, MarNav laid Chrissie out like Greg Norman on Viagra.
4. Army-Navy
Admirable students at important universities, but the football game has become a big yawner. Quick—who won last year? Yeah, I don’t know either.
5. Duquesne-Fordham
The Dukes rock. Fordham is suck. ‘Nuff said.
19 January 2010
An Easy Way to Remember the Alphabet
Ambidextrous smelling salts with bad ass Guess Who lyrics;
BRAACK! Excuse the dog just now, you limber toed hysterics.
Cialis and those outdoor tubs—we all say WTF?!
Deodorizing concubines and all the Johns they suck.
Excedrin’s name is righteousness; so says a dink named Stu.
Forget about his sightlessness; the Wonder man can spew!
Gestapo shorts on Templeton; now can he shag a fly?
Horrendous meals atop old Cher and snot that’s rather dry.
Investing onion sandwiches with morbid butt sweat chilled,
Just make me California and the frozen jets are filled!
Key lime and Kaline spleen dessert is over on the moor,
“Less ass!” he cried in Mexico, upon the whore house door.
Mayoral stiffies rock St. Paul, indigenous and ticked.
New lemon pigeons sweep the door. I wish the corn were strict!
Old heads erupt on Santa Claus because he’s Tarzan boy.
Petunia snorting melon balls get mixed with frozen Koi.
Queen’s Freddy was the best one time, but now he’s 6 feet down.
Real soda as a New York thing? You’ve got to be a clown.
Smegmatics and the barns they sell; it’s just a 2-foot winch
That holds a pigeon’s nut sac smell, absorbing nay an inch.
Underwear with new car smell…and flavored oh so right!
VBF’s on Saturday; the sound is rather tight.
Wilted harped-on orbs that rule my neighbor's tights with glee,
Xenophobic monster cracks unguarded by the sea,
Yes men, ass men, and women's stench, plus cataclysmic foam;
Zoologists though none yet are, my wish is for a comb.
BRAACK! Excuse the dog just now, you limber toed hysterics.
Cialis and those outdoor tubs—we all say WTF?!
Deodorizing concubines and all the Johns they suck.
Excedrin’s name is righteousness; so says a dink named Stu.
Forget about his sightlessness; the Wonder man can spew!
Gestapo shorts on Templeton; now can he shag a fly?
Horrendous meals atop old Cher and snot that’s rather dry.
Investing onion sandwiches with morbid butt sweat chilled,
Just make me California and the frozen jets are filled!
Key lime and Kaline spleen dessert is over on the moor,
“Less ass!” he cried in Mexico, upon the whore house door.
Mayoral stiffies rock St. Paul, indigenous and ticked.
New lemon pigeons sweep the door. I wish the corn were strict!
Old heads erupt on Santa Claus because he’s Tarzan boy.
Petunia snorting melon balls get mixed with frozen Koi.
Queen’s Freddy was the best one time, but now he’s 6 feet down.
Real soda as a New York thing? You’ve got to be a clown.
Smegmatics and the barns they sell; it’s just a 2-foot winch
That holds a pigeon’s nut sac smell, absorbing nay an inch.
Underwear with new car smell…and flavored oh so right!
VBF’s on Saturday; the sound is rather tight.
Wilted harped-on orbs that rule my neighbor's tights with glee,
Xenophobic monster cracks unguarded by the sea,
Yes men, ass men, and women's stench, plus cataclysmic foam;
Zoologists though none yet are, my wish is for a comb.
05 January 2010
Things that sort of rhyme with 2010
In honor of the new year, here are some things that sort of rhyme with two thousand ten:
Gentle Ben
Streisand in Yentyl
More smegma, Auntie Em?
Jail's sodomy pen
Those damned ass men
Hate Sascatchewan
Got me a yen
M'cycle zen
Them Sooners did win
My dog's got the runs
Sanford & son
My turd weighed a ton
Big boobies is fun
Let's sue Jackie Chan
What's a henway?
Diarrhea
Gentle Ben
Streisand in Yentyl
More smegma, Auntie Em?
Jail's sodomy pen
Those damned ass men
Hate Sascatchewan
Got me a yen
M'cycle zen
Them Sooners did win
My dog's got the runs
Sanford & son
My turd weighed a ton
Big boobies is fun
Let's sue Jackie Chan
What's a henway?
Diarrhea
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