Unusual Ways to spend your tax rebate

1. A bikini wax for those hard to get to places on your pet wallaby.
2. Spanish lessons for the broccoli that refuses to respond to the erstwhile longings of a love stricken japaleno.
3. Buy some watermelons and go door to door on your street telling women "i'll let you touch mine if you let me touch yours"
4. Hoarding off-brand spleen juice at Sam's Club
5. Go to the jail, randomly bail out a drunk and then have him arrested again for indecent exposure.
6. Sponsor the first annual "Erik Estrada film festival and turnip tasting"
7. Trade it all in for dimes and pay for everything for a week in change.
8. Educational experience: Take pacman jones clubbing with the fam....
9. Rent a booth at the county fair and tell 'fortunes' by sniffing armpits
10. Have your name legally changed to Loebig-Muncy.

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference loads of mispronounced grapefruit make!

Top 5, April 21, 2008:

1. Tiger spleen drops not from India
2. Clandestine mortification at disciples of glue
3. Rebellious grandmasters posing as insect dung
4. Guys named Ed whose glasses fog upon sudden bouts of delirium
5. Tiebreakers that end in /n/

Top 5 when removing the nexus of Hendershorts:

1. Acid rain devoid of vinyl Jed Clampett impersonators
2. Laughing at a drunk’s dangling participle
3. Municipal cool dudes, strutting their socket wrenches
4. Dependence upon formaldehyde groupies
5. Dyspepsia removed from the souls of wailing grapes

Tax Day Advice (Actually Random Musings)

If I were ever talking to myself and then suddenly realized someone was in the next stall, I would pretend I was on a cell phone call and say, “You idiot! You do that and it won’t detonate!”

When ranking the melodiousness of 3^rd century dental ailments, I would have to place pericementitis first, although one could make a case for pulpitis.

I firmly believe that Speedy Gonzalez could beat the Road Runner in a short sprint (say, across a room), but would lose miserably at any distance over a half mile.

Mules blasted into outer space would be cool, unless one of them got injured. Then Houston would have to listen to wailing and braying until they got tired of it and exploded the rocket.

I don’t believe Einstein died of an aneurysm. I think he solved time travel, but the technology eventually got into the wrong hands and so, to cover their tracks, the bad guys went back in time and killed Big Al before he actually invented the very system they were using to murder him.

Based on their descriptions, one would think that hot fudge over ice cream was a dumb idea and auto racing would be cool, not the other way around.

If formal diagnostic testing could be used to help scrutinize the leftist leanings of those who like to dress up as albino armadillos, I would worry that the backhoe contingency would do little more than describe saucers of malt liquor.

Although most Americans don’t believe in dictatorships, you have to admit that it’s kind of cool how we might continue handing the presidency back and forth between 2 dysfunctional families.

Tromboning: Myths vs. Facts

Myth: The mainstream tromboning media have a bias against rust belt players.

Fact: Within the past 2 years, sections from the Cleveland and Toledo symphonies, as well as that of the Gary Pops, have been featured favorably in both Trombone Monthly and Sliding with Sly. Moreover, the first and third chairs from, respectively, Miami and Fresno, have been blasted by the same major publications during this time period.

Myth: The mouthpiece makes the player.

Fact: A nice piece is great, but without decent lip action, you might as well blow a woodwind.

Myth: Pulling the pipe results in greater bell size.

Fact: It may seem that way at the time, but overall mass doesn’t change.

Myth: The Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s one-liners about “slide extension” are the filthiest trombone jokes known to man.

Fact: Only for those with short memories. Back in the day, members of the London Philharmonic told tromboner jokes that were more vulgar than a cellist in heat.

And finally…

Myth: Simply owning a Bach large bore makes one more arrogant.

Fact: 2 words—Niel Loebig.

Some Good April Fools' Pranks

Sneak up on your best friend’s wife and, when she’s least expecting it, break her arm.

Take a dump on your boss’s desk. When he asks who did it, say it couldn’t have been you because yours smell like peppermint.

Tell your children that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce because they can’t stand to be around kids who fight all the damn time.

If your girlfriend is feeling amorous, kiss her passionately. Then blindfold her and tell her you have a kinky surprise. Once this step is completed, quietly sneak in your roommate to finish the job.

Go into a co-worker’s office when he isn’t there. Pour beer all over the carpet. Call in the boss and ask if he thinks your colleague might be drinking on the job.

When the meeting chairperson isn’t looking, perform surprise titty twisters on other committee members.

Power staple a slide trombone to a stranger’s back.

Replace your roommate’s mouthwash with cerebro-spinal fluid. If he’s a major league baseball player, do the same to his syringes.

Ask your girlfriend if she wants to rent The Godfather. When she goes out to get it, place a bloody horse’s head under her sheets. Wait 3 hours for the merriment to ensue.

In permanent marker, write “I eat sh*t” on your sleeping spouse’s forehead. Make sure he or she oversleeps and has to rush out quickly in the morning. And hide all the hats.

Call a subordinate into your office. Tell him that you’ve received numerous reports that he’s a Nazi. Turn on a tape player and say, “According to federal law, I’m required to record your response.”

If you’re an identical twin, threaten to break up with your brother’s girlfriend unless she bears you a son.

And, lastly:

Make your mother think she’s pregnant by climbing back into her womb.